Coming to Terms

[RSmiles]

Hi all,

I've got a thread over in 'Surviving the Big D', but I realize I'm still coming to terms with A and ILYBNILY issues, so I thought I'd post here too and hopefully meet new friends. My story is one of a long, slow decline.

Now that my D is in progress, it finally hit me that I don't even remember what it's like to have a romantic relationship. H has not slept in the same bed with me for over 2 yrs now and has had repeat EAs- possible PAs/one night stands at his shows (H is musician). H skipped our past three wedding anniversaries(out of town at shows). H hides it well, I don't have solid proof of PAs, but he openly admits he has not been 'in love' for a long time and has problems with the concept of being M. He basically admits to the EAs. The first bomb was only a year and a half after we got married (1997-98). I remember being so crushed when I found emails from H to his OW saying how much he hated me and loved her so passionately. I cried for days.Then, that one died like 6 months later but a couple years later, he met more OW online and started traveling to out of town shows all the time overnight but didn't want me to come along. I was always suspicious. He'd make lame excuses "There's not enough room for you in the band van" or "I don't want to have to worry about you while I'm performing a show" I kept thinking I could do something to improve our M- and I picked up DB/DR in 2003. I guess as the years went on, I got less and less stunned by it and sort of buried my emotions. Then, since I have no formal proof of PAs it's always been a confusing question to me about where the truth lies. This feels so sad to me now. H's latest EA (started in Jan?)is some musician OW that sings so he writes songs for her. He even had the nerve to play me her music and ask me if I liked it. (H didn't ever really write a song for me in our 14 years together by the way). Whatever. I feel so disconnected. I guess that is what I'm coming to terms with - realizing how deprived of love I've felt for so long. It's like there's a part of me that has been dead inside, but is possibly starting to wake up now. For some reason it's hitting me now that the D is going on, like I didn't realize it's impact before. I hope I find real love again someday.

[RSmiles]

A few more ramblings... I guess it's natural to keep reflecting on my R at D time. I think I just got 'used' to our distant R. I knew I didn't feel happy, but I put up with it for so long. I guess i kept hoping it could get better. H has had depression and substance abuse issues for so long and I kept thinking it could get better if he was happier, it could get better if I Db'd enough..... I also think I've been scared of being D and being "alone". Although the funny thing is, I've felt pretty "alone" in this R with H for a long time. Since H is musician, he likes to spend most of his free time alone in his studio- which meant we didn't often do a lot of things together during the weekends or evenings. I often felt like we were living separate lives but had the convenience of each others company if we sought it out. When we were S in 2003-2004, I felt so committed to making it work. One of H's friends set him up with some woman in her early 20s during that time (sickening) and they possibly slept together. Who knows. Then after 6 months of S, H and I moved back in together as "roommates" and 5 months later he put his ring back on. This time, after everything that's happened, I know in my heart it's the best choice to finally get a D but it still hurts and feels like a rejection/failure.

[RSmiles]

The kicker- H says to me the other day "I don't know why you ever came back (after our S) last time" Like he has no respect or idea about how hard I have been trying to save our M for so long. This, combined with everything I mentioned above, and his blame on me and our M for his unhappiness pretty much makes me know I am doing the *right* thing getting this D. What a crazy mix of feelings I have right now. Doubt, anger, grief- I know it's to be expected, but it's definitely a rollercoaster ride.