So, I learned today that my wife has consulted with the toughest L in town, and quite possibly retained her already (I checked the accounts online and noticed a $1200 withdrawal from savings on 7/3). The question is, should I bring the withdrawal up to her or should I act as if I don't know? Also, should I begin to protect myself financially, ie changing my direct deposit from our joint and into my solo acct? Will this push her?
Please help!!!
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
LS, hard questions. Does she know you check the accounts on line ? If so, don't you think she'll figure that you noticed ? I know my H sure would notice a $1200 withdrawal. If you consider the money hers, I wouldn't mention it. Wait til she does, then just say "I know".
I think you should protect yourself financially. But with some attachments...does she work ? Does she have a solo account ?
Changing the deposit without notifying her could really piss her off. I know I was furious when my H froze our accounts.
How do you guys handle the money already ? Are you concerned that she'll wipe out the accounts & run off with it ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Smartcookie has some very good questions. Do you need to protect yourself financially, of course, but also don't do anything too drastic that might push her into battle mode.
Are you and W able to discuss things like this rationally or will she feel like you are checking up on her?
FWIW, if you feel like you might be in a bad spot, then go with your gut and see what you need to do to protect you. If you have to make the moves then do so, but I would get more information first. Just my humble opinion.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I did inquire about the $1200 and she said it was for the retainer for her L. She also said that her dad would be picking up the tab and reimbursing the $1200 into the account. Not necessarily what I wanted to hear but it is what it is.
As for the financials, I have been bouncing back and forth whether to do anything. There's not much except for cash flow and by moving it to my solo account, would basically tell her that I am gearing up for battle and that's what we both don't want.
I guess I am walking the tight rope, trying not to do anything that pushes her closer to the D while at the same time, protecting me and my kids.
Also, last night we agreed (I had little choice, be served or...) to opt for mediation rather than the lawyers. Not sure how good of a choice that was, but she says she is not vengeful and knows how little if any financial gain there is with this process.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
LS, I feel for you. It's a very hard place to be because you want to save the situation as well as protect yourself. She has already drawn first blood and is probably much more aware than you of the legal and financial outcome of a D. Her Dad getting involved is also a bad sign. Looks like you are keeping your cool so far. You are probably better off going the mediation route but separately consulting a tough L so you can do what's possible before she files - if/when she gets hostile or she demands more than what's fair you'll need the tough L and DBing is all downhill from there. I think SC's H did the right thing to freeze the accounts because now she's still married to him ;-) - tho' its hard to freeze a joint account so I'd be curious how he did it. Once D is filed it is illegal to mess with the joint accounts - but my W did it anyway, so it may be a good idea to put your paycheck in your solo a/c for your protection because bills have to be paid. And keep ALL statements, checkbooks, etc. carefully and preferably locked up - I was naive about that too. Is there anything you can do to keep her from filing for sometime so you can buy some time to DB? I bet SC or her H can come up with something devious! The WAW over the edge could be vicious.
Actualli we talked and she said she preferred mediation over lawyers as do I. She is still full steam ahead but bought a little time with the mediation. New crisis of the week is she wants me to get her an apartment, which we can't afford. Oh the fun and joy of the sitch but it gets easier with each pasing day to not get caught up with the roller coaster. Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Also, my mom and dad opened their war chest to buy her out of the house and will pay whatever is necessary for me not to be taken to the cleaners. She knows that and it has helped to diffuse the lawyer thing too. Trying to do this civily and we'll see what happens.
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
Chris, no matter how civil, it still sucks. Sorry that you're going through this.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thx SC and you are right. What saddens me the most is how this will impact the kids. She hasn't been around so she hasn't seen the increased crying and fighting that is going on between them.
So W left for lunch at noon...must be a long wait for a table as it's 8 pm now. I could care less for my sake but how she's been ignoring the kids is just so amazing.
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
