Been with my w for 7+yrs (3mairred) have 2 kids from other mairrage who I have custody 50%. I missed the signs. My wife went through cancer early in the relationship. It was tough on her and I but we beat it and I was there always. It changed things intimately and probably how affection was shown. I have had trouble showing it, but do,, just not enough,, even though I thought it. Other issues with ex and the kids, parents etc. Regular things along with the blended family.
Few months back I had the bomb dropped saying how bad things are and that my w had unintentionally shut down. Still loves me but just not the way she should and no idea how to turn it back on. I want nothing more in life then to be with my wife and have the chance to show her that I mean it. She says she wants to fix it as well but.......finding the trust in her heart that we can do it is the thing. Many outside factors made us put other things ahead of eachother. I now see it and want to change. W has issues herself and guilt. I told her I mairred her for her and will accept whatever we have intimately as long as we are a mairred couple and I dont want anything but her and the two kids who love their stepmom to death. She showed the walkaway wife syndrome article and said that is a good way to explain some of the issues. I cried my eyes out reading it. Now she knows I and the kids are trying very hard,,, but she feels so much pressure,, that she wants to do a trial separation. It may help I dont know. It could be 3,6,12 months without her. I am not sure how much space she needs and how much contact we will have.I will do anything. I love the women more then anything and could use advice.
I am going to counselling and she has and agreed to go together once I have gone and dealt with some issues on own. advice please
HI, Sorry that you have found yourself in the situation that brings you here. There are lots of things in your post. There a few WAW's (Walk away wives) here with differing experiences and situations to share their advice with you.
What specifically are you looking for?
Reassurance? Information?
If you have not already.. buy the Divorce Busting book and start reading that. I'd also recommend the 5 love languages, by Chapman.
Have you posted in Newcomers? that gets a lot more traffic than here, and while there are good people in both, you may want a quicker & more response than what you will get posting only here.
peace to you.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I was trying to understand all this. I was very confused when it was dropped on me,,, didnt see anything coming. I want nothing more then my wife in my life. I will do whatever it takes and she knows that,,,, now its her believing or trusting this and getting her to believe our marriage is worth fighting for and having the chance to make it better. Divorce or running away is not the answer at least how I see it and hope she sees that as well.
My w says she loves me and cares deeply, but shut down has unintentionally happened. She needs space and only way we can do this is by her llviing somewhere else while she works on her stuff and me mine, and giving that breathing room and then begin to rebuild. The outcome obviously is unknown,,, the positve is she is not saying anything about ending this. Wants to go to couselling together and separate.
Some of the issues that have built up is the blended family, dealing with ex wife, issues with my sisterinlaw, and a mother who means well but interferes to much. I know she is only trying to help but it makes my w feel like she is not good enough or able to do this stuff. I finally told her to back off a few wks ago, and will make that very clear in coming wks.
hi 911 do you have goals that you have set for you?
Have you read the DB & DR books?
You need to change you and make those changes visible to your wife, which is hard I know when she is living somewhere else.
She is telling you she will go to counseling and will go to MC with you once she has worked on her stuff.
That is great!
Go work on your stuff, keep a positive mental attitude, learn about validating & empathetic listening, so you can see your wifes POV in all this and show her you 'get it'. When she wants to talk about it. Don't push her, don't beg, plead, etc.
Because for me, until my H 'got it' and understood it and how it impacted me and the feelings it created for me, I was not willing to give him a 2nd chance or listen to the begging.
You can't 'get her to believe or see' anything. She has to look for herself. So do your work, shine the light so she sees that you believe in her and in you and how the M could be different with you being 'wiser' now. But you can not tell her, you have to show her.
Keep posting.. there are many people here who have been where you are at now. I see you had a response on your newcomer posting.
Keep those connections going.
What are you goals for today?
Peace.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
w is in process of finding a place to rent so she can getaway from the pressures and all and just destress and search for reasons why she shut down, and how to restart herself. We both know this is a slow process, which could take months or even a yr. My goals, are to learn to be a better communicator with her but that goes both ways. She needs to feel the affection and feel secure,,,, as she always displayed it to me,, and I miss that,, as I took that for granted,,,, I wont do that again, I have to confront a few issues in the family, as we put everything ahead of us and let alot of that interfere with us. Some changes are a team thing between us, being on the same page. Others I will have to show her eventually,,, she already said she sees some change but its got to be lasting change.
I will continue with couselling I told her I will do whatever it takes to have that chance at making us better. She did appreciate that. I think the hard part is knowing she wont be coming home soon for a period of time til we hopefully can rebuild. The helpless part is I want to do all this,, but she is the one who has to find that key to unlock her innerself for us. THats what I hope she can do as ending this is not a good alternative. someone recommended the good husband good marriage book,, so I ordered that to read. I hear this is a common thing among men, going through this,,, I tell you if I only knew how to read the signs or,,,,,,, I would have not let this happen.
just back from getaway with the kids. It was tough without her and seeing friends with their wives. I order the books, and also picked up good husband/great marriage book.
