Freak Flag Waver!

[mkultra]

Hi! I am new to MLC. I was in the Separated for one year. I love DB and the principles have saved my sanity but not my M. Although I remain freindly with my H and we spend time together as a family. My children are happy and so am I. The major problem is that much of my H's MLC continues and it reminds me a lot of Heath Ledger, the actor who died recently.

Does anyone else fear that their spouse's MLC could end tragically like that?

I feel that my H's MLC has taken a very nasty toll on his health.

Does anyone else see that? Drugs, drinking, diet, bizarre clothing, risky behavior, bad people, enablers may be a few examples.

I cannot prove what my H does as I did go dark with contact for several months and I did not want to know the sordid details but he does look very bad and almost disturbing.

I would love to talk with other survivors who see these strange creatures in MLC.

No one even recognizes my H anymore.

I wish I could post a before and after pic but the best way to describe it is that movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks! My H actually looked like the Tom Hanks normal Dad man and then he became the Tom Hanks weird cave man on a deserted island, like a homeless weirdo after a 30-40 lb weight loss!!!

He has actually had to call me twice to join him at the City Park because other parents were wondering why he was there, like he looked like a creepy child predator. He said that happens to him all the time. People see him and want to call the cops! I have also had moms come up to me and say their teens were disturbed by my kids' dad's appearance. he may take off his shirt or wear really revealing clothes as if he were a teen age girl. He now weighs about 110 lbS!!!
Help!!

[job]

M,
The description of your h sounds like he's definitely in mlc. MLC isn't just about getting a young girl or a sports car, but it goes much deeper than that. He's going to be shedding quite a bit of his old self in the months to come and it appears that he's in the throes of replay.

Many will lose a lot of weight during this time, exercise more than usual, change the way they look, i.e., body piercings, tattoos, hair color, botox, change the style of dressing, music, drinks, diet, etc. They become the walking dead, so to speak, and look like h@ll for quite a while until they get over the hump of shedding their old selves. Dead eyes, an effort to smile, etc. are also part of this. Depression and guilt are the driving forces for this crisis. They are running from what they were and had in the former life.

The "shedding: is part of reinventing themselves because they aren't happy with the way they look and they think that changing these things will make them happy. Yes, it will for a short period of time. The problem is that they aren't looking within for that happiness--it's exterior happiness that they think will do the trick. They will try a lot of things before it's over with to find that illusive happiness.

We do understand your concern because we all have seen our spouses looking like this or close to it. Many of them will end up with health conditions, i.e., ulcers, heart problems, blood pressure problems, knee injuries, etc. The stress of the crisis really puts them through the wringer (emotionally and physically).

What can you do about it? Pray. I know that you are worried, but you can't do anything about the way he is mistreating his body at this time. You generally can't carry on a rational conversation w/him because he's operating on emotions. All you can do is be there and listen when he opts to talk to you. It's extremely difficult watching the person you love trying to recapture his youth and knowing full well that his body at his current age can't compete with the youth he left behind.

I'm very sorry to see that you are here and joining our family. You are going to need a lot of support in the months to come and this is a wonderful place to seek out that support. We always advise posters to keep the focus on themselves and their children at this time, for you are the stable parent and will need to be strong for them.

Please continue to post. Others will be along shortly to offer support.

[sleeper]

Many mlcers (like mine) actually say:

"I don't know who I am anymore."
"I just want to run away."

And if you observe them, that's exactly what they are doing. It really is as if they are going through adolescence all over. They are literally trying on different "things" to find what fits. And just like an adolescent appearance is everything. Mine got a boob job, changed her hairstyle and hair color and bought clothes that were more appropriate for a teenager or college age woman. Since she already had tattoos she has had a couple removed and has discussed more cosmetic surgery. We must remember part of normal adolescenct activity is to "try on" different identities until they find the one that is right for the individual. This really is something they must go through, just like an adolescent. I wonder if the time frame is about the same too.

Mine also has displayed that lost look in her eyes. I too have wondered if she was using drugs. Her weight was pretty stable for the first year but she has lately put on 15-25 lbs.

I once believed replay meant going back to their youth but now I have a different belief. I believe my X-W is literally replaying her youth, doing it over. Many of the activities and even the type of people she associates with are mirror images of her youth as she once related it to me.

That may give you a clue to what your h is doing. Was he skinny as a youth (many of us were). Did he do drugs when he was young?

If you are looking for a positive thought in all this it will come to an end one day. I also hold onto the hope that it will end the way our mlcer's first adolescence did, the product of which was the person we once knew as a young adult who wanted a home and a family.

[job]

Sleeper,
They go back to a time where they were emotionally stunted. At that place is where the paths not chosen await them. They go back and to it "one more time", so to speak. It's a treasure hunt for that illusive happiness that they thought they missed out on. It's the place where they need to go back and grow up and face the demons that were never faced during that time. Peter Pan goes back in time to search for Wendy, but unfortunately Wendy grew up and now Peter needs to decide whether to grow up or remain Peter.

Oh, yes, the dressing, etc. Reminds me of my xh's replay days....swore never to get an ear piercing. Yep, got the biggest "imitation diamond" he could find on the market. OW needs shades to look at him in the sun. Changed his drink from ice tea to several six packs of beer a night. Began chewing gum like a cow chewing her cud. Music went from country to hip hop and some God awful dark gothic music you listen to in some of those creepy funeral homes. Had a beautiful head of hair and shaved it completely off and thought he was a cool fat boy. Gained an awful lot of weight and the lost it. Plenty of phone cards and knew where to get them very cheaply too.

Well...now the ow, I just had to find out what he was running to so, I found her at work. Went to her floor at the hospital and had a really good look at her and then laughed all the way down from the cardiac unit. She was a spitting image of her mother in her hey day. Same coloring, height, weight and even the down to the clothing. Now, there's something seriously wrong w/this picture, don't you think? Well...we divorced in 2002 and somewhere between 2002 - 2004, fat boy, or should I say Eggbert married the reincarnation of his mother. I can tell you this, I met w/him in November of 2005, just to see where he's at and that isn't a very happy camper and it's still all about him. Peter Pan got caught by Captian Hook and most likely is still flying around in Neverland. Haven't seen him since, but periodically he pops his head out to leave hang up calls and move things around in my yard. I just shake my head and laugh because Wendy grew up a long time ago and has moved on.

The most valuable lesson in all of this is if Peter wants to fly away and find Neverland, let him. For Peter will never find that land because it's nothing more than an illusion. Wendy grew up a long time ago and Peter could never understand why or how that happened. Time doesn't stand still and you do have to continue moving forward. For Peter, it is up to him to grow up and find a way back to Wendy if it is meant to be. So, all of you Wendys out there, spread your wings and try flitting around a bit, don't worry Peter will find you again some day. When that day comes, you'll be the one who holds the cards and will determine what the future will have in store for the both of you.

[MissH]

Snodderly, thanks for sharing. You have such a way with your postings.

[mkultra]

Thank you all for sharing! I sometimes wonder if I am also following in suit with a MLC at times? I look way better than I ever did. I threw away anything remotely frumpy. I used to wear my Mommy sweat suits like a badge of honour because I am a happy Mommy and supposedly I had a husband who worshipped me regardless of how I dressed or weighed. Now I feel like I have to look cute all the time.

Peter Pan is a disturbing sight at almost 40. It goes beyond the weird punky clothes. A lot of people do that in California. It is that he UGH, looks like he is trying attract really young folks.... You are all so comforting. I feel so alone. Most of my friends' husbands have normal or professional jobs and have to wear a certain "uniform". My H does not fit in anywhere. Even the local punk scene must think he looks like a freak. Thanks for the advice to stay focused on my kids.

Question: kids. They hear the snickering but they adore their Dad. What do you say to your kids? Do we just say nothing?

[job]

M,
I don't know how old your children are...but here's what I would say "daddy's trying to find himself and until he doesn't we have to be patient".

Your children will not understand what is going on w/him except that he's acting very strange. Unfortunately your h is trying to attract people of the age he's stuck in. He doesn't want to focus on the fact that he's almost 40 and by this time, he's suppose to be acting like a mature adult.

I feel for you. Been there, done that!

[kml]

Is it MLC, or is it methamphetamine addiction????

Ellie

[job]

That's a million dollar question. Many of his behaviors scream mlc, but some of the others sound really off the wall.

I know my lawyer thought my xh was on drugs because his behavior was way out there, but he wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to say what they are on or are doing when they are out in neverland.

[mkultra]

I also think my H's MLC is peculiar because my H was a nonconformist to begin with so his MLC is going to be off the wall. My D's TH said to treat the depression the same as though he were on drugs or sick because of the erratic behavior. That he was most likely not on drugs but who cares what was the cause? His behavior towards me was not acceptable to put up with in front of my D. I agree. He had to go. He was too angry and depressed to keep under our roof. Might as well been a drug addict. The thing is H has a job that drug tests so this is probably organic. Someone once told me that I was forced to "kick him out". That he behaved horribly to get me to kick him out to justify his actions. Has anyone else seen that? A spouse getting themselves kicked out so they can say, "My wife kicked me out now I can move in with a new OW."??