WAW#9 Feelings

[Jeremyt]

Preach on upside_downer! I can echo what you are saying because I forced my W from "maybe" to "no" in short order.

Phil, take the pain level down. All these feelings are completely reasonable and ones that pop up for me occasionally (every day) too.

To get all philosophical on you this can be part of removing your attachment. A lot of folks on here use detachment. I don't really care for that term since it hints at negativity.
Buddhism would look at it like this and it resonates with me well:
There's attachment - connected to someone/thing
There's detachment - pushing away, removing from someone/thing
There's no-attachment - allowing someone/thing to be on it's/their own.

You are working to detach now, turn that to no-attachment and allow yourself to breath too.

Was that over the top?

[LostPhil]

No I'm not bipolar....

Yes that is exactly what I do. I'm a yes/No black/White person and my wife is a maybe and I push her into the no.

It is the same thing while she was still at home wonder whether or not to leave. She kept saying maybe, and I pushed her into a Yes I'm leaving.

I asked her when she was at home?

Do you still want a divorce? I don't know.
Do you still want to leave? I don't know.
Do you want to make it work? Maybe.

Then I just could not take it and I forced her out of the house.

You see her idea was to divorce me and still live under the same roof.

Great more of me hurting my feelings this morning. I find out that my daughter has softball practice tonight and will get placed on a team for the all stars. I know she works at ten and and she was driving to work, so I called and left her a voice mail at quarter to ten. Why would I think she would pick up or call back and acknowledge that I'm picking up the kids.

[Jeanette1120]

Phil,

I'm sorry your hurting.

I don't want to add to you already kicking yourself with all the right answers and all the wrong actions you keep making, so just tell us what it is you need?

I'm trying to understand how it is that you know what your doing is self destuction yet you keep lighting the bombs?

Self punishment Phil will not make this easier.

Hugs,

Jeanette

[upside_downer]

It is the same thing while she was still at home wonder whether or not to leave. She kept saying maybe, and I pushed her into a Yes I'm leaving.

Do you still want a divorce? I don't know.
Do you still want to leave? I don't know.
Do you want to make it work? Maybe.

Then I just could not take it and I forced her out of the house.

I did the EXACT same thing.

And, I continue to do it by placing expectations on her, and you are doing the same. We are both having a hard time letting go of the unknown, but that is exactly what we need to become comfortable with. I'm starting to see that the more I embrace the "maybe," the more I can breathe easier. Have you noticed that?

If so, you need to do the same as me and find out how to have more moments where we can leave our anger/bitterness/resentment at the door and actually HEAR that there is still a possibility of a future because that is exactly what they are saying when they say "maybe."

Lean on me, man. I'm in the same boat as you and it's way easier to have someone there to help you through the trenches than to do it alone.

[Jeanette1120]

that is exactly what they are saying when they say "maybe."

No it's not.

Them saying "Maybe" means nothing more than....

If I say maybe perhaps that will satisfy his/her incessant need for an immediate answer when I have none, and he/she will go away and leave me alone so I can get a few moments of peace in my head.

Your continued poking at the hornets nest is only going to piss off the already pissed.

Eventually they will pack up and move even further away from you.

Just be still.

Do not keep antagonizing them or yourself.

Shhhhh.....

[sgctxok]

Phil,

Your words are erratic enough to concern folks about your actions. I think I understand your need to vent...however, please be careful about your choice of words.

Your 'dance' with your wife isn't working....do something different.............you've been given lots of great advice...

sg

[craig54]

phil, just to let you know, you are not a failure. we have all made mistakes with our spouses. rest in the lord. he will take care of you.

[upside_downer]

that is exactly what they are saying when they say "maybe."

No it's not.

Them saying "Maybe" means nothing more than....

If I say maybe perhaps that will satisfy his/her incessant need for an immediate answer when I have none, and he/she will go away and leave me alone so I can get a few moments of peace in my head.

Yes, it is. You just proved it by saying "perhaps that will satisfy....need for an immediate answer when I have none."

You have no answer because you don't know. Which means.....maybe yes, maybe no.

[LostPhil]

Ok, please stop arguing with one another on my thread. Thank you.

SG, sorry I'm not sure what choice of words you are questioning. I will however try and watch the words I use.

Being still....

You know last night I think I was during the commotion of her calling when her shift was up in 5 minutes. Not answering her phone, and then showing up twenty minutes later with a cockamamie story. I could have easily spazzed out about any of those issues, but I know that will not help.

I could have spazzed because if I would have done any of those things she would have spewed venow.

Even today I called her cell before her shift to try an arrange daughters softball practice tonight. She didn't answer. What if I would have not answered my phone for her. Then I called her work two hours later. Did you get my message? No, I didn't even check my phone. (I'm thinking more lies) Then I arrange with her that I'm picking up kids and she will meet us at the house to get son. I was the first to say good bye to her too, as I didn't let it drag on.

You know I am nortorious for letting things drag on.

Here we go... Friend and I were discussing the issue of our marriage was always on the rocks, and she wanted a divorce since the first year. You don't get pregnant to someone five times and then decide you don't love them anymore. There are other external issue in this. Feelings and outside influences. Immaturity on both parts. Failure of communication. Etc... etc..

Help me Jesus... Set my feet upon a rock and make my footsteps firm.

[AmyC]

Help me Jesus... Set my feet upon a rock...

Psalm 40.

I waited patiently for the LORD and He turned to me and heard my cry.

He picked me up out of the miry clay and sat my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand...

For every promise of God that a believer can claim, there is a qualifying statement which precedes it.

You are missing the qualifying statement, Phil.

"I waited patiently"

It doesn't say "I waited while screaming like a banshee and acting like a fool to such an extent that I could barely hear Him when He spoke but lucky me mercy came runnin'..."

Note that you also have to be reaching up out of your own crap before He can pull you out of it and set your feet on the Rock.

Stop.
Turn around.

Listen to your own prayers.

Line your actions up with the Word.

It DOES NOT work the OTHER WAY AROUND as HE has already done ALL that HE EVER WILL DO.

The rest is on you.

He left instructions.

As a believer, to claim the promises of God, meet the qualifying statements.

That's the deal.

You don't have to like it.

But He will test you to find out just how truly and deeply you believe Him.

Do you know there's a reason the Bible says Jesus is SEATED at the right hand of God today, Phil.

Have you ever thought about it?

He is SEATED.

When do you sit down, Phil?

When the work is done.

Phil, the work is done.

Families are healed and whole and restored and it's just the PEOPLE that won't allow themselves to be touched and turned for fear their flesh will miss out on something or heaven forbid, they actually have to sacrifice something...like perhaps foolish pride

Don't be like that.

This is on you.

Meet the qualifying statements.

And pray for your wife.

That her heart be softened, turned back to Christ and you.

Your family's fate is quite literally in your hands.

You were chosen.

You didn't choose HIM, Phil.

He chose you.

For this.

So you might as well just shut up, get in and hold on.

Because they're ain't no getting away from it.

Not if you're called...

Are you called, Phil?