Well the thread locked, or it was locked by someone. How else does it happen.
Wow, you know my anxiety went away. I did the bills today and didn't have an attack. Earlier today I felt so overwhelmed. Yard work, house work, school. I had the day to myself and even did a little shopping. I found a great painting of St. Marks Square by painter Canaletto that was period for the pirate theme room. I didn't buy it though. It was thirty at the thrift store. I'm going to try and get it half off on the green tag day. Loved the schooners in it.
So much for the anxiety level.
She just called. She is going to the bar to meet her friend for her birth day. The b girl, and she wants me to go and pick up our son at her parents. She asked about my day and what I did. I even told her that my anxiety went away until she just called and aasked me for this. I said I don't like you going to that bar it is a meat market. She said she is just having one and leaving. Yeah OK... well she does have to work early tomorrow.
Why do I have to be so accomadating to her.
I apologized about last night. I said I think a lot of communication is getting misinterpreted. I think you hear things I'm saying differently and your getting mad.
We were having a good conversation and then she starting getting annoyed. Probally because I a dork. I even said I was a dork. I said look I like it when the kids are with you it relives my anxiety, because my imagination goes crazy thinking there is someone else. I said I trust you, but its just my imagination. I man you are so damn gorgeous showing up with little skirts and heels on and you know I love that stuff. I'm a shoe guy.
Well she got annoyed because she just wanted me to pick up son, and she was there and had to call her mom back.
I mean if she is just staying for a drink, then drink one or two leave and pick your son back up and drop him off to me.
I mean I know she works early tomorrow so she isn't going to be out late.
Now she just texted me and said her mom said our son is ok.
"I even told her that my anxiety went away until she just called and aasked me for this."
Why Phil? She did not want to hear about her impact on you. She wanted to hear about your day.. and all the great things you did.
"I said I don't like you going to that bar it is a meat market."
She is a big girl now Phil.. she has her own place. She wants to do what she wants to do. She is still showing her attachment with the "Ok.. I will have one and go home."
"I said I think a lot of communication is getting misinterpreted. I think you hear things I'm saying differently and your getting mad."
I think the same thing too. I am sure I could have left that out.. but it says so much. I had to say it. Another point.. she will hear things based upon what she has heard from you before.
No Drama Phil.. Please.. No Drama.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I said look I like it when the kids are with you it relives my anxiety, because my imagination goes crazy thinking there is someone else. I said I trust you, but its just my imagination.
You wonder why she gets annoyed and upset???? You are sending mixed messages Phil.
I trust you.......
But when the kids are with you it's easier to trust you.
So this screams out, when you don't have the kids I don't trust you.
Phil, you have got to try and help yourself and stop talking. When you talk, you cause problems for yourself and don't even realize you are doing it.You have to stop talking so darn much.
Example:
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Well she got annoyed because she just wanted me to pick up son, and she was there and had to call her mom back.
Damn skippy she got annoyed, it was a yes or no question and you instead gave her a dissertation on your lack of trust. Here's how it should have gone.
W: Phil can you get our S from my mom's, my friends bday is today and we are going for a drink.
Phil: Yep, no problem OR No, sorry I can't tonight.
That's it...........
You ever heard of self fulfilling prophecy Phil? Maybe you want this to fail, because you are sure as hell not changing the behaviors that are going to make it fail.
Of course, now I realize that the English amongst us (and perhaps those from Down Under, as well) will read that totally differently than the Americans!
Whatever! Forrest I think you have no life. You nick pick everything I say.
Ian, you nick pick too. She got annoyed because I was basically telling her no, and she was going to have to leave. So I wasn't rescuing her. Did you ever think of that?
I told her not to call me. I said I don't want any anxiety tomorrow. You want to shut me out of your life then don't call me tomorrow. So why did she wait until quarter to 12 to call me to bail her out of a problem. She left her children at her parents so she could go out. She thought son was going to be ok. So why was she driving there asking me to pick him up. If she was only going to have one. Then have you one, pick him up and bring him here. I'm not going to drive 15 minutes both ways to rescue her, when she is already in the area.
Look then next time I get a chance to talk to her. I'll ask for you guys to give me the walkie talkie version. What should I say.
I'm being myself. Ok she called me and said she was going to the bar to meet her friend to have one drink. Her voice made it sound like don't be mad at me. Why she even told me she was going there was beyond me. Yes, I'm doing the 180 thing too. She never felt like I loved her. She never felt I gave her affection. All bull crap. So I say to her she is gorgous and I worry about her being at those kind of bars.
Now I for one would have never been able to go to that bar. Because it is a meat market. I throughly and explicitedly told her in the past I didn't like when they went there for girls night out. Now has she ever once gone to the bar with me.
Never... But it is ok for her to go. Did you ever think that if she would have went to the bar with me, she would have just saw me drinking a couple of beers, getting something to eat, and then leaving.
You are all a bunch of relationship experts.
Here some more proof she is just crazy. I went out. I sat there and drank ice tea. A mutual friend of ours walked in. She asked me to have a drink with her. I said I don't drink anymore. She said why. I said that's why my wife left me. Yes I heard she left you, but she said she left because our marriage was always on the rocks. She didn't mention anything about your drinking.
Ok which is it that came first...? The chicken or the egg...
She is a big girl now. She wants to do what she wants to do. Didn't I already say the woman always did what she wanted to do. Her rules, but those rules do not apply to her.
Seriously I don't need her. I certainly do not want her back in the condition she is in. I certainly do not want her to come back and act like she did before. Constantly b|tching about everything.
I domesticated myself. I changed. When she dropped the bomb and she was serious, I quit drinking. I was willing to do anything, anything to save the marriage.
She needs to change.
If I want to say I'm worried about you and my imagination drives me crazy thinking you are with someone else. Well then that's what I will say. You are so distant and cold to me, it makes me think there is someone else. You dress in short skirts and show up here driving me nuts and I can't even touch you.
I told her a million times she wasn't fat, but she wore them damn granny panties for eight years and now all of sudden I'm wearing skimpy and you can't touch me. hahahahahahaha
Maybe she is growing up. Maybe she is chaning, but she is doing it without me. During the live in waw stage things were better in a weird way. She stopped the constant b|tching, and maybe that was a sign that she didn't care anymore.
Do you ever think that maybe if she would have held back from the constant b|tching at me, to me, about me, about the neighbors, about the house, about the kids. I wouldn't have reacted to her. I let a million and half things slide off my back, and then after a point you lash out.
Your advice is not working. I can't implement DB... I need to find my own way. By myself.
The conversation with her friend last night. The same friend she was going to have a drink with. She said to my wife that she believes my changes are pemenant. Now I did ask her for help, which may blow up in my face. I said to her friend. Just tell her I love her.
She needs to reflect things she did wrong. I have already done mine. I will continue to do mine.
She needs to come home and say I want to work on us, and do the right thing.
I need to stop talking. Ok, well I even told her that. I said dear look I don't know what to say to you because I think you are not hearing what I'm saying and you take it wrong way. Then you get all mad.
Yeah she was getting all annoyed trying to put on her makeup in the parking lot and talk on the phone. Then she was probally having an anxiety attack looking in a mirror or something. Constantly primping. She was annoyed because I didn't give her what she wanted.
Your advice is not working. I can't implement DB... I need to find my own way. By myself.
Phil, I just don't see where you have followed any of the advice given to you! How can you say it isn't working when it hasnt been implemented? A couple of hours or even a day of doing something is certainly not going to bring about any noticable changes, especially when a situation is where yours is (wife out of the house).
I will give you the best advice I got: When someone posts something here that annoys you, dig deeper into it. Usually you are annoyed because there is some truth that you don't want to deal with.
When you post things that you did/said and someone gently tries to show you a different way, they are not "nit-picking." They are simply trying to help. If you knew your wife as well as you say you do (since you disregard the things that the people here are telling you may be going on in her head), well, Phil, you woulnd't be here right now. Please take into account the things that people are telling you! Heck, we may be wrong, too, but at least you will have another perspective.
I think people are just trying to point out to you that your wife is not mean or evil or trying to hurt Phil. WAS's are hurt, too. It takes a lot to move out and break up a family. But, they do it because they feel they have no other choice. Do I agree with that choice? Of course not! I believe in those marriage vows, too. But, here you are, so all you can do is look at this as an opportunity to make your marriage better.
From the sounds of it, your marriage wasn't so great. In your posts you are going back to many situations that made you angry or hurt you. But, it still seems like you would gladly take all of that back if only she would move home. Phil, I doubt you really want that. This is your chance to get the marriage that you truly desire. The one where both of you are happy, can communicate, and are partners.
Here, I will nitpick for a sec, too.
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Because it is a meat market. I throughly and explicitedly told her in the past I didn't like when they went there for girls night out.
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Why she even told me she was going there was beyond me. Yes, I'm doing the 180 thing too. She never felt like I loved her. She never felt I gave her affection. All bull crap. So I say to her she is gorgous and I worry about her being at those kind of bars.
So, where exactly is the 180? Basically it is all the same. In a nutshell, you are saying "I don't trust you. I am insecure about this." Just adding "you are gorgeous" this time does not change the message.
Do you have to like the fact that she is in a place that you find to be a "meat market?" Nope. But can you control it? Nope. This is where "acting as if" comes in. Tell her to have a good time. End of story. If you want to be with your son, offer to keep him. If you don't, say "Oh, I'm also going out. I'm sorry, I can't help you out tonight." Exercise your own control here.
You don't need the walkie talkie conversation, Phil. You just need to follow the rule of George Costanza here.... Do and say the opposite of every instinct that you have. (Seinfeld fan?) This does not mean to compromise your own values or to not be yourself. If you want to improve the relationship with your wife, though, you will have to find a way to tone yourself down. You are reacting to her from pure emotion instead of thinking things through.
Phil, this is a long process and you want it done yesterday. Please listen to the people here. Everyone is really trying to help. My friend Meredith used to tell me that sometimes it is as if a person is lost in a forest and the rest of the people here are up in a helicopter and can better see the path. You have people trying to guide you. Don't strike out on your own. Your own is what got you here. And, I mean no offense by that. Hell, we are all here for different versions of the same thing.
You don't have to agree with everything given you here. Just consider it. Slow your fast-moving brain down and consider it. You just may see things in a different way.
One more thing... Besides here, do you journal? It would be helpful if you kept track of interactions with her. See what works and what doesn't. You seem intent to do this on your own. Maybe you need to see it all in front of you, in black and white, to understand what works and what pushes her further away. You are quick to argue with what people are telling you that they see, and it seems that you are occupying yourself with only the argument...not the analysis.
Sometimes in this you are going to feel a bit like a doormat. Letting your wife act and do things that aren't in character, or even what you'd agree with in the confines of your marriage in a healthier state.
The things you need to keep in mind so you aren't a doormat is that life goes on for you no matter what she does. If she comes home again or not you still have to live with you. Telling her that you don't approve of her activities etc will likely cause you to see more of the same crud coming out of her.
Just ignore that stuff and hope if fizzles out. You and I both know the singles scene isn't so great. Let her go and get eyed by random guys in the bar and flirt. My wife does the same stuff. She tells me she doesn't need a man for validation and then she goes out and looking all hot and chats it up with other guys.
Just ignore it. Nothing will be less attractive to her than hearing about your insecurities. I have them too and made the same errors you are talking about. My fine catholic church going wife is out doing the same stuff and skipping mass on sunday. Let it play out and hope for the best man!
M:32 W:29 D:8 D:10 M 6 T 10 bomb 5/20/08 separated 5/22/08 sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1471393&page=5&fpart=1
