My wife told me about 2 weeks ago that we needed to start thinking about getting a divorce. We had a conversation about 2 years ago that she was not happy because I did not communicate very well. I tried to make changes after that conversation and thought I was doing the right things. I wish I had read all of the books I have been reading the last 2 weeks.
I thought I was making the changes she wanted but the problem was I did not really know what I needed to change. I thought I was smart enough to figure it out on my own. I am so much more educated from all of the reading and realize the areas I needed to work on. I really believe that I know what I need to do make myself a better husband now. I have told that I realize my mistakes and will work hard to correct them. I told her that I did not want a divorce. I told her that I would go to counseling on my own or with her to work things out. I think that she has some work to do in the communication department as well but most of our problems were a result of what I was not giving her. I told her that and apologized to her from the bottom of my heart. I believe that I need to change and want to change badly. I think that the changes she would see would bring back the happiness she was missing. It would also give me the happiness I wanted in our relationship and I don't just mean more sex.
I have been faithful to my wife and have never been abusive. We don't even have that many big arguments. While we were talking, she told me I was a great father. She had never said that before. The big problem has been my lack of real communication. Growing up, my family was not big communicators in the family relationship area which probably caused me to not communicate enough in my marriage and I want to improve on this. It seems like all she is having are negative thoughts and not thinking about the good times we had along with 3 great kids.
She is a very strong willed woman and said that she has pretty much emotionally checked out on me. I know that she is serious beacuse she has begun looking at the finances and how we can handle our living arrangements. In some ways, I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. I just want to do the right things to get her emotionally checked back in with me. I know it will take time. I will be moving out tomorrow (July 6, 2008) to give her some space. I don't know how long I will be able to be strong and stay away even though I will have my kids some during the week. I will kill me not being there for my kids every day.
For the women reading my post, I am really interested in your point of view. Would you be more ready to let your husband back in if he sincerely wanted to changed and was willing to work harder than anything not to make her feel hurt again.
I welcome any comments from the men as well. I know I am not the only husband in this situation. Please offer any construcitve criticism on how to handle things from the very beginning. I just started reading Divorce Remedy so I have not had a chance to put any of the advice to work.
Thanks.
Me - 43 W - 38 Together - 14 yrs Married - 13 yrs S - 10 S - 8 S - 5 Separated - 7/6/08
Would you be more ready to let your husband back in if he sincerely wanted to changed and was willing to work harder than anything not to make her feel hurt again.
He needed to do what he said, not just say what he was going to do.
Wanting to change is not the same as changing, consistently and regularly.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I know i have changed permanently and my wife has acknowledged the changes even before she left.
However a month after she left she said "that my changes were only on her superficial level" i.e they had not totally sunk in. It's my view that by the time they walk they probably don't want to accept the changes or subconsciously find the changes very suspicous as a ploy to get them back in a place they relly don't want to be.
So make the changes permanent - your wife will hopefully in time accept them and possibly want to recommit.
Feel for you with the kids. I'm in the same boat and it sucks big time. I can see mine every day if i like - just can't stand the pain of being with my W who i ca't stop loving not even a little bit.
Sorry you are here - dig in deep cos it probably will be along one - good luck
Kptch~ I am sorry you are here but welcome....I hope you find the support and encouragement you will need during this time. I am a WAS and will help you as much as I can. I left in Jan 07 and have been DBing for well over a year...any questions,comments etc...ask...I try to be on the boards daily, and will try to help you out as much as I can...so here goes!
"I wish I had read all of the books I have been reading the last 2 weeks."
We all wish we had done things different; and hind sight is ALWAYS 20/20...you are here now...so as my awesome friend Forrest Gump says..."lets Do Work!"
"I thought I was making the changes she wanted but the problem was I did not really know what I needed to change. I thought I was smart enough to figure it out on my own. I am so much more educated from all of the reading and realize the areas I needed to work on. I really believe that I know what I need to do make myself a better husband now. I have told that I realize my mistakes and will work hard to correct them."
What has she "really said"...if you think back to the one or two single things that your wife has said in passing that hurt or bothered her the most that you did...what would it be? Here's an example...my H always said things were my way or no way, I was a princess....one of my goals is to work on my selfish behavior...he called wanting to bulldoze the pool at our house(i moved out) we got in a huge argument because I said what if we work out, i would like to have the pool there...i text msgd him a week later...said I would pay for the rental of the dozer!! One can't just say I will work on XY and Z...it has to be shown and proven examples for the spouse to see....I hope I am making sense....these are true 180's...taking the things that hurt/bothered the H/W the most and turning it around!! It's a little shock and awww factor as well. I've also learned a great dr. phil saying...do i want to be right or do i want to be happy? at this point in life...i choose happy!!
"It seems like all she is having are negative thoughts and not thinking about the good times we had along with 3 great kids."
She won't think of anything good about your past right now...and I'm really, truly sorry to say that. She is what I was when i left my H. I called myself during that time frame a "mean angry monster"! The truth is most of the anger was within myself...but I didn't know how to deal with it...taking it out on my H was the only thing I could do. He resents me now for these actions.
"I don't know how long I will be able to be strong.."
This is soooo tough and emotionally draining; however, you have 3 great reasons to stay strong and motivated. Any time you feel overwhelmed and are ready to throw the towel...post here...the people on the boards will pick you up and encourage you to keep fighting...this place has kept me strong for well over a year now! you can do this...you are doing it! I don't know know if you are spiritual or religious, but if you are there are 2 websites that are recommended around here....rejoiceministries.org and joelosteen.com. I subscribe to both...keep me going on my bad days! the rejoice site is scripture oriented and the joel site is more motivational oriented.
"Would you be more ready to let your husband back in if he sincerely wanted to changed and was willing to work harder than anything not to make her feel hurt again."
In a heartbeat i would;but, he is so emotionally hurt from what I did...i don't know what it will take for him to be able to forgive me. it's been 18 months, and he is still just as angry at me as he was a year ago when we put the D on hold. He blames me for everything...even though some of the problems we had were both of our faults. I have changed, no longer a princess or a mean angry monster...but he won't give me a chance to show this "new" me....so I guess only time will tell.
This is my 2cents worth, I hope it helps you some.
I wish you all the best take care christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
