Hello angel face. I love your new thread title and I love that you're in a much better place. The only thing I don't love is I can't have coffee with you face to face. Not fair! Waaaaaaaaah!
[gloat] Hehe. [/gloat]
Maybe the coffee, maybe the company, but going through things from the beginning with someone who understands your state of mind... It not only puts things in perspective but even give you new insight. Made me realize that maybe I haven't been treating W as a partner, but as a pupil. Thinking that all my "growth" gave me license to teach her the "right" way to act. I'll have to watch out for that in my future R's. Maybe getting some professional IC would help...
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
I didn't realize there was a gloat feature here! It will be fun to see you when you come through again. I'll take requests for whatever they want gForce to have.
"I keep wanting people to know he's at fault with his actions while adding the obligatory statement that all marriages have issues. My message, "He's a jerk.. to me" said in a very gentle way. What do I get from it?
Silly.. angry.. I get to be the victim, semi blameless."
Know that feeling.... having it very much this morning.
reading your thoughts & SC & purple's help me feel comforted in that I'm not alone (thought that for years) however, pulling out of the computer screen and looking around here ... feeling very isolated today.
Quote: I keep wanting people to know he's at fault with his actions while adding the obligatory statement that all marriages have issues. My message, "He's a jerk.. to me" said in a very gentle way. What do I get from it?
Oops! I do this too!!!
Me: We are getting a divorce. Other person: Why? Me: H wants a single life.
That is FULL of blame on H and I know it. Why do I do it? I wish I knew. But I am glad I am not alone. He *is* to blame for ending things without working on it at all, but why do I have to have everyone know this?
In my case I'm angry.. and that's how it comes out. I don't know if it's right or wrong. I'm not cursing, demeaning, ragging.. just saying what is the truth from my persective.
Initially I had to tell the WHOLE story. It's gradually getting shorter and shorter. It's not like I want people to hate him. It's the eight year old in me who wants folks to agree with me!
I keep trying to repeat the advice one friend gave me when it came to spouse. "Just think 'karma', Kathleen.. just think 'karma'". I'm thinking that more.. will see where it takes me.
Actually, the best thing is being so busy I don't have time to tell that tale of woe.. or even have it be the leading story of my life. You know the old newspaper/TV adage... "If it bleeds, it leads." Everyone is so attracted to disaster.
My brother once told me to get ready to give myself a pat on the back. "When?" was my reply. "The day spouse says he doesn't know who you are." "Huh?" I continued eloquently. "Because then you will be thinking for yourself, what's right for you rather than what he thinks or wants you to do."
He *is* to blame for ending things without working on it at all, but why do I have to have everyone know this?
Hi Gypsy, I do the exact same thing--slip in comments that make it clear that H left me, not the other way around.
Reading your earlier post about one of you checking out of the M a while ago also resonated for me--although I am the one who feels guilty about doing that. I was the one who for years after having kids found having sex to be more of a chore than anything else--although, to be fair to myself, we had it regularly anyway and often on vacations alone we'd rekindle the spark big-time.
What struck me so hard when H announced that S was the only option (before working on the M, which he felt he couldn't force himself to do) was that practically every longterm M with kids has these same issues--with intimacy. Why do almost all my friends' H's hang in there and make it work somehow, but mine wouldn't? It feels so unfair.
Anyway, just wanted to chime in, as I've read your posts for a while.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Hey Ms Gypsy, I slipped in comments too, so other people would know I was the innocent by stander, & H was the idiot jerk. lol
Human nature I suppose.
What are you doing today for you ? I have a piano lesson on Thursday, so I'm trying to move my butt from this chair to the piano bench.
hugs
How's D & D's friend ? did they make up yet ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Saturday my daughter, niece and I went to the family BBQ of spouse's family. Spouse is away on a trip, something I didn't realize when I was invited.
The most amazing thing was what I didn't feel. I did not feel uncomfortable. I felt relaxed, at ease. In the past, I've drunk wine to keep up with them, to get through the visit. What the heck? It seemed like for years I've been a 'mike reverb'.. you know that feedback sound a microphone makes? Before I was so aware of spouse, what his mood (usually negative) was toward any family member, knowing he was watching and critically judging what I ate, what I drank that I was always anxious. Everything overlapped everything, I was always on sensory overload.
Last night which could have been stilted and nerve wracking, wasn't. Granted no one talked or mentioned spouse or anything divorce oriented. It was very nice. At the end of the night, I thanked my sis in law for inviting me, keeping me part of the family. She said I'd been part of the family for 25 years and that wouldn't change.
I decided to continue up to my other sis in law's house. The girls (my niece and daughter) had been getting along well, no one was drunk, things seemed calm so I figured it would be a GAL thing to do. We had a pleasant chat in the evening. When she talked about the Florida vacation I wasn't at.. I said I'd rather not hear about it. In the morning my sis in law and I talked quietly some more. It was mostly about her concern about spouse's role as a father.. or lack thereof.
I don't think she quite understood what I meant when I said I was done trying to fix the relationship between the dad and my kids. I was there as their mother. That I was relieved that where he lived, who he was with was no longer a secret to his children. My role now is to be the mom, to listen, to encourage a healthy relationship with their dad.
It was a very nice time. In the back of my mind, I know that once they aren't mad at him for his behavior (like not seeming to care about the kids) then the 'blood is thicker than water' dynamic might come back into play. As long as the interactions are healthy and non-dramatic I'll keep going. Once it starts getting toxic.. I'm out.
I don't need drama... I'd rather have love... life..
