ok heres what happened my W came over last night and talked some about the money issues we have. she had a list of things she wanted to try and save some money and pay off bills. she said she had t come over and get this handled that nite. its all stuff that we could of handle either through phone or email. when wwe got to talking nothing really got dealt with we really just talked in circles she said what she wanted to do and i agreed with what she wanted and thats really as far as it went. there was really nothing that we couldve done last nite any way. then we got to talking about the M and what went wrong and she said that there was noothing gonna change in the M she was done and didnt love me like a W should love a H. she has been acting real different sense a friend came back into town. sense he came back into town me and him have been hanging out going places like bars and stufff just having a good time . she knows that he is known for being good with the ladies and me and some oother friends all think it is affecting her. its not like i even want anyone else but im just doing the whole GAL thing and i think it is getting to her. so any ways back to last nite she told me she didnt want me talking to him about things anymore cause she doesnt want everyne to know her buissness but theres really nothing to tell everyone knows she left me and she says she is done. i talk to him and he gives me advise and he is usally correct he says everything the books say to do and he tells me what she is going to do and how she is going to react and he has been right with everything so far. sorry im getting sidetracked again. so like i was saying we talked about us and she said theres nothing i can do she is doone but yet here she sits for some reason she got a baby sitter for this talk wich we diffently could have done on the phone or with the kids there while they were playing. so some of my friends said you should ask her if she came over to get some. i did ask if she wanted to have sex and when i did she smiled from ear to ear like she was waiting for that ?. she said we cant do it, it would give me false hope i told her that i understand you want a divorce weather we do it or not. i asked again and said what if i kiss you and she smiled again i acted like i was gonna kiss her neck and she kinda wanted me to but backed off a little and told me she did want to but we culdnt. we talked about it for a minute and then i kissed her neck and then next thing i knew we were in the bedroom doing it. i kinda seemed to me that that was kinda the reason she came over. me and all my friends think that she was getting woried that she could maybe lose me or i could go and hook up with some one else so she wanted to try and pull me back in. i have also been not talking to her a lot latey and i have changed alot and everyone has been saying hoow much i have changed and how good i looked. when ever i am around her and all of our friends i havent been showing her any attention not cause i didnt want to i was just trying to detach. i think that it has deffently getting to her. so the ? is what do i make of this behavior and of the sex we had i think it is her way reaching oout ot me. she also told me we couldnt say anything to any body about this. sorry for the long post just trying to let peolpe understand more about the sitch. any advise about this would be great. thanks in adavnce mike
i know this thread has not been up long but i would love to get a WAWs point of view on this. the W is coming over again tonite and i would like to know hw i am supposed to respond if this happens again. i dont want t mess things up if this is her reaching out to me. please help thamks, mike
1. She was horny, you were there. (that's a good thing, she didn't go get some somewhere else)
2. She wanted to emotionally connect with you thru the physical act of sex. (this is a good thing, she wanted it with you)
Is there a problem with either one of these ?
If she reaches out to you, take her hand, if she kisses you, kiss her back, if she wants to have sex & you're okay with having sex, go ahead......if she smiles it's a good sign.
It's simple, meet her where she's at.
any other questions ?
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
thanks for the info SC, i do have a couple oother ?s. the next day she gave me a whole lot of attude even all our friends saw it. she has been giving me this attude alot. when ever my friend frm Fl is around she doesnt give it to me. sometimes when i joke with her she calls me michael and she really never called me that unless it was sexual or if i were in trouble and when she does call me that she smiles it does make me feel good. what do you think of that? the next ? i have is we are going to the beach with a coouple of other familes tomorrow and she acted like she didnt want me to ride with her so i made arragements to ride with one of the other couples. she found out that we werent going until later in the morning and she told me that she didnt want to ride by herself i asked her if she wanted me to ride with her and she never said yes but she would beat around the bush that she did. how come she cant just ask me if she wants me t ride with her? thanks for the help, mike
Hi Mike...Two things come to my mind...I am a WAW...been at this DB thing for a year now...me n my H used to do the whole FWB (friends with benefits) thing...but think about this. 1. what is that doing for your self respect? she hurt you...and just waltzes in and has sex??? 2. there are 4 steps to reconciling a R/M I don't know if you have seen them on the boards...but trying to mix them up will just cause a lot of confusion...I learned both of these things from my DB coach...here are the 4 steps 1. decrease negative feelings...this takes time and some space 2. friendship...work on just spending time as friends, rebuilding trust, being able to talk, easy conversation, NO, I REPEAT, NO, ZERO, ZILTCH, NADA, R/M talk!!! 3. Romance and Dating...this is where sex comes into play 4. reconciliation
The DB coach I have is awesome, she says when you mix the steps, and negative feelings are still there, friendships haven't been formed and your just having sex to have sex...it makes things all the more difficult.
I can't help but wonder if it was a control tactic as well...she wanted to see if she still could "get to you!!"
this is just my 2 cents worth....
Always know there is hope in any situation...she came to you, and not anyone else...which is positive!! I know how hard it is...but think long term, set your goals! Aim high and focus on the end result. saving your M and what you have to do/need to do to accomplish that!
Let the rope go...it's a game of tug of war...if she is pulling and you are pulling...let it go...
develop a ducks back...let the things she says/does just slide off. go have fun with your friends tomorrow...if she doesn't want to ride with you...let it go...drive separate...smile, be polite, just have fun...hard to do, but you can do it...
about her attitude, I had a lot of attitude with my H when I was going thru all of this. I refer to myself during that time frame as the mean angry monster....as that is something I can say on the boards!!:) In retrospect, it wasn't really him I was angry with, it was myself, and issues within myself I needed to deal with. she's taking something out on you...the question is what and why?
i have probably rambled enough...hope the jabbers help! ?'s ask anytime...i've been around these parts for a while..happy to help!
take care of yourself happy 4th! christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
thnaks christarn, i dont know where i am riding yet but i doont really want too ride with her if she doesnt truely fell it is right for us to ride together. i have been doing real well with the whole GAL thing. i think it bothers her that i am focusing on other things besides her. so that is why she acts out sometimes. i am trying to be her friend but smetimes it is hard with how she acts. she acts as though everthing is my fault and i hate that. i try and just let things role of me and i dont think she likes that either. i am gonna make the best of this trip and have a great time with our girls and our friends i just hope she desnt try and bring me down to much. i am gonna use this week as a learning tool for the both of us and try and see how well we can function around one another for a whole week of being in the same house. i hope i can do it i feel as though i can. and as far as any of you talking to much i dont think that is possible i love hearing from anybody about this it deffently helps to get a womens point of view. thanks for all the help and advise hope all of you are ding well. thanks again mike
ok well i got an update we are at the beach with our friends and things are going great. we have been flirting some. i know that i should try and be friends first but she has been wanting to have sex almost every night. and mess around some during the day when the kids are napping and nobdy is around. its like im having an affair with my W. the W wont do anything in front of anybody and she still wont let me kiss her on her mouth. i think that is because she feels real strongly about kissing. she is being nice to me and flirting infront of everybody which i guess is a good thing. we have gotten drunk together and she still keeps her distance until everyone goes to bed and then it is usally on. why does she do this and what should i do about it? i dont want to push her ferther awaybut at the same time i dont want her to think it is ok that its just a sex thing. do i contiue letting this go on until she is ready to talk about the M. i do want to give her more effection in front of everyone but she does not want that right now. she insists its just sex. well we got the rest of the week and she does seem to be slowly opening up in front of the friends but im not sure i should read into it to much. anyway i would like all of your thoughts again and it will help me alot if i could get some help on this. what do i do next? thanks in advance,mike
the W did talk to me a few days ago abut how she didnt know if she could fix our M because of how mad she was at me. i asked her to explain what she was mad at me for so i could know what to try and work on and it was the same thing as why she left. i told her she had a right to be mad and i only hope we could move forward and we talked alot about what we tougth had to be done to fix our M. she didnt seem to think she could be able to ever forgive me. i tld her not to worry about right now lets just see where things go. she told me that she thinks my changes are fake and wont last. i told her just give it time and lets see where we are maybe would could start doing things together with the kids and see how things gpo so i could show her this is how i9 intend to be. she has talked with me alot moore on the phone and the conversations seem to last longer. i hope this is a good sign. what do you WAW think? it would be great if youll chimed in again. thanks again,mike
1. decrease negative feelings...this takes time and some space 2. friendship...work on just spending time as friends, rebuilding trust, being able to talk, easy conversation, NO, I REPEAT, NO, ZERO, ZILTCH, NADA, R/M talk!!! 3. Romance and Dating...this is where sex comes into play 4. reconciliation
amazing!!! i was checking in on my buddy, and i love this!!!!! thank you
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
