My husband and I have stayed together the past eight years for the sake of the kids, leading basically separate lives. Now he wants to save the marriage of 26 years as we head into the empty nest years. We have both read SSM, have dredged up and talked out stuff in the past few months like we have never done in our entire marriage, and we are considering going to a counselor. I have had a couple of affairs and I suspect that he has had at least one. My questions is, do I admit to the affairs, or is that part of not being able to change the past, and just keep it to myself and try to influence the future?
Hi and welcome to the SSM forum. I'm glad to see that you have both read SSM and are willing to give your M another chance.
To come clean or not come clean; that is the question that I have struggled to answer myself. For now I have decided for it to remain a secret/in the past. You can read my thread for the struggle I had with this question and how I am dealing with it for now. Also some good advice about coming clean or not.
Since you suspect that your huband has had at least one A, maybe he suspects the same of you? I know that my wife at least has a suspision, so at some point we may have to work through the issue of my A's. My thought was if it came up I would not lie about it but if she is choosing to leave it in the past, I can leave it there too.
I think it depends upon your motivation, and you might really have to dig deep to explore that.
These would NOT be good reasons to reveal an old affair: Do you want to come clean in any way to cause your partner pain? As in tit-fo-tat, or revenge for old wounds? Do you want to dump a heavy burden of guilt that you've been carrying around for lo these many years?
Only you can really decide if it would be productive and healing for your M to reveal old affairs. But don't do it to make yourself feel better, do it for the marriage if you do it.
Congratulations on making some good choices and improving your communication! The empty nest years can be wonderful (or so I hear!)
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
Speaking as someone who has been cheated on (just to give my perspective) the fact that I found out on my own made things that much worse. While it would have hurt like hell for my FWH to tell me what he did (no doubt about that) I would have felt like I had something to grasp on to as far as the fact that he had the balls to tell me the truth.
I know there are people who think what people don't know can't hurt them...but it can. Everyone has the right in their marriage to make informed decisions, by not being forthright about what you did (and this goes for him as well) you allow your spouse to live a lie....even if it is a lie of omission. I participate on another BB (which I cannot post here because they consider that advertising). That BB has both sides, people who have cheated and who were betrayed, the spouses who do not want to know the truth are in a very, very small minority. Most of them subscribe to the school of thought that they would want to know...so they could make their own informed choices about how to proceed with their lives.
If (as you suspect) your H has also cheated, this may be an opportunity for the two of you to get EVERYTHING out on the table in order to try to have a fresh start and really work the through the issues...because personally, I don't think you are truly working through issues with a therapist unless you get all that nasty laundry washed while you are with them.
