Hi folks, I'm new to the MLC forum and am going to peek in here to see if I can get some more specific advice about my H and current separation drama. You can read my stitches on the newcomer's forum to get filled in but I'll try to recap as much as possible to get you up to speed. Here's the deal. My H left me last summer in a most horrible way, (right after I had surgery to remove one of my ovaries!). I hadn't seen it coming (do we ever?), but will say that our M was definately having some problems. We were in over our heads financially and both dealt with some crazy shrinks who were well meaning but in the attempts to treat us for ADHD (which we both have), we ended up becomming druggie guinea pigs lashing out at eachother with the latest medication the Quacks had us on. I was inparticulary having trouble due to chronic pain in my ovary which I had to take painkillers for; yes, this did not help the situation as I tended to self medicate sometimes. Other than that, there was the constant "sex talk" or sex fight I guess, my H NEVER seemed to want it, and I have a high drive (okay normal drive). Anyway, there were inlaw issues, tons of fights due to lack of communication, and the constant money problems that arose from some stupid decisions both of us made. Our lives were out of control. Then in May of 07, my H's step father who raised him shot himself dead. This DEVESTATED H like of course any family suicide would. But now H was more distant than ever. He lost a ton of weight, started drinking more, and paying much less attention to me. He was getting pretty popular at his job and would come home in the wee hours of the morning for no apparent reason. No affair that I know of, but I did suspect an emotional affair on H's end because he had mentioned someone elses name WAY too much. So in June, 5 days after my surgery, H and I got into it about something stupid like the remote control or something. This exploded into the fight "heard round the world". I later learned that H was planning on leaving me (from my sister in law); but he used this fight as a launching pad for his "last straw". The next several months were horrifying. H did a 180 and went ALL out to show how "free" he was. He drank it up with his volunteer firefighter buds, stayed out till 4am, and even went on a dating website. All the while, our finances were going down, down downhill. We have three dogs together too, and that was not a picnic either (we had four at the time and gave one to my relative). So to make this long story short, I moved out of the house in August when I could no longer take the emotional abuse and horrific way H was treating me. I knew I couldn't afford the payments on the house anyway. A few months later, H warmed up to me. He mentioned wanting to "work on things" and this escalated into happier times from about October to February of 08. The part that never "clicked" though; was that H never wanted sex (here we go again), and didn't want to go to marital counseling "until I get my own counseling" he said; which need I say NEVER HAPPENED. By March, I was freakin'nuts with this rollercoaster ride and snapped. I had not yet discovered DB, DR, or any of the principals of DB and of course went about things all wrong. H then started pushing me away and saying he wanted his "space". The ring had gone back on for quite some time, then it was off again as he went back into "freedom mode". All the while again, bills not getting paid, house foreclosing (which he still lives in for free till they kick him out), and buying toys toys toys for himself. This is why I'm on the MLC thread now. My dilemma lies in this: H is a totally different person now. He does things he never would have done before that are both morally questionable and flat out freakin' stupid and irresponsible. H though, (now that I'm DB-ing like gang-busters); does have a renewed interest in me. I basically keep my mouth shut about the finances, and have tried to accept his offer of "just friends" for now; mostly because my DB coach (loved her); said that it was necessary for us to be friends again before love could ever develop. So...my new confusion lies in how to respond to the things that drive me nuts. For example: H is living for free basically until he has to move out of our house. H knows he has a pile of bills to pay/ many of which have my name on them too; and we still care for the dogs together as best we can but the two that live with him do not have their shots yet. H got some money and blew it ALL on yet another "toy"; this time, a huge flat screen TV. Lets move further into the audacity of things shall we? H wants me to "hang out" with him and "play" with these video games and watch TV with him. Okay, so how do I sit there like a 12 year old and try to reconnect with H without putting my proverbial stamp of approval on his careless behavior? Part of me wants to detach from his acts of craziness to see if we really CAN rebuild a friendship; the other part of me wants to sock him in the face for putting the damn toys (and himself) above shots for our dogs, bills he owes, and hello, saving for another place to live! So,that's my story in kind of a big nutshell. I am trying to GAL as they say and work on my own life; but its difficult to fit him in without feeling the bitterness of the old (and current) issues. H does make some feeble attempts to give me money for certain payments on bills, but it barely scratches the surface. He has seemingly gotten away with murder for a year now, and I just am curious to know if anyone else has seen such a change in their H too. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Do fill me in, although we've been apart for a year, DB is still new to me, and the MLC thing is something I am foreign to as well. Help!
Hi sleeper. No, I don't have a FS right now. I tried to initiate one a while ago but then realized I did it wrong and H never followed up with me to sign anything in front of a notary. The documents would've stood up in court if a formal S or D was filed but not before then; and I didn't want to file (nor did I have the money to file) for either. As far as my financial protection, I'm pretty sure the worst of the damage has already been done. Foreclosure, repo's (I have my own car now that he can never claim rights to because it was a "gift"). I am comfortably in my own apartment with most of my "ducks in a row"; I just have a lot of IRS debt and some other bills that I am joint account holder on that are either being paid, in collections, or waiting for me to make a decision to go bankrupt if I have to. The only thing as far as I know that H really has the power to screw me on this time is a garbage collection bill (big deal), and the car he is currently paying on. Other than those two things, the worst has already happened; and there's not much that can be done about it. I spoke with a lawyer for some free advice and she said that since H and I didn't really have any assets to speak of and the damage was pretty much done; a separation legally would only cost me more money than I can spare right now. I may end up just using what extra money I can scrape together for bankruptcy once I'm sure how much balance is left on the foreclosed home. Law dictates in my state that even if I had gotten an official big D last summer, I'd still have to pay up for any leftover balance due on the home if lost (and now it is). So...I have done all I can do and I have pretty much gotten screwed but I do have a decent job and plan to be diligent about getting things squared away as best I can. No, I can't say I am attracted to him in this state for sure!
