Are we? The divorce is done. Is continuing to DB just an exercise in futility? Most of the literature about getting through this ordeal suggests that you must accept the fact that the relationship is over before there can be any healing. Are we unnecessarily prolonging our suffering?
Me: 35 WAW: 28 Bomb: 1/13/08 S: 1/14/08 D filed: 2/24/08 D final on 7/07/08
Do your damndest in an ostentatious manner all the time. -George S. Patton
My Sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1405138&page=0&fpart=1
In a way I agree and in another way I disagree. I know in my case that the divorce is done ( the marriage is over ). But life is not done for me....Meaning, You don't know what the future is only the present. If I continue with the lessons of DB, then I become a better person....if she eventually sees the changes then it was really worth it.....Because really, I did contribute to the destruction of my marriage....I didn't see it, now I do....and this is because of DB. if she does see the changes and be move forward together.....I know that I will never go back to the way I was.....as for her....I would guide her to pick up DB....If I eventually met someone new....I now would have the skills to detect possible issues and prevent them.
when and only when you are finally ready to give up....you can realize and even say that the other spouse does not want to see the changes, that they have deeper issues.
Accepting that your relationship is over, is not as easy as giving up, nor is hanging on for a miracle. If a miracle happened tomorrow, I can say in 20yrs that it was worth the suffering, rather than say, "Oh well, I tried.", and just give up when the going get tuff. Now, I am not saying that I don't have eyes to see the results nor the sense to eventually admit defeat. What I am saying is....do what you can impossibly do to eventually say, I did want I could rather than just say it.
In my case.....I caused the divorce for not listening OR she gave up because she had to.....either way....WE are both at fault. If I see my faults while continue to suffer while DB, knowing that we are already divorced.....the relationship is over...then I caused my own suffering to be a better man / person / partner through is ordeal.
One_Light....sorry for so long...I hope that I help with my POV.
In a way I agree and in another way I disagree. I know in my case that the divorce is done ( the marriage is over ). But life is not done for me....Meaning, You don't know what the future is only the present. If I continue with the lessons of DB, then I become a better person....if she eventually sees the changes then it was really worth it.....Because really, I did contribute to the destruction of my marriage....I didn't see it, now I do....and this is because of DB. if she does see the changes and be move forward together.....I know that I will never go back to the way I was.....as for her....I would guide her to pick up DB....If I eventually met someone new....I now would have the skills to detect possible issues and prevent them.
when and only when you are finally ready to give up....you can realize and even say that the other spouse does not want to see the changes, that they have deeper issues.
Accepting that your relationship is over, is not as easy as giving up, nor is hanging on for a miracle. If a miracle happened tomorrow, I can say in 20yrs that it was worth the suffering, rather than say, "Oh well, I tried.", and just give up when the going get tuff. Now, I am not saying that I don't have eyes to see the results nor the sense to eventually admit defeat. What I am saying is....do what you can impossibly do to eventually say, I did want I could rather than just say it.
In my case.....I caused the divorce for not listening OR she gave up because she had to.....either way....WE are both at fault. If I see my faults while continue to suffer while DB, knowing that we are already divorced.....the relationship is over...then I caused my own suffering to be a better man / person / partner through is ordeal.
One_Light....sorry for so long...I hope that I help with my POV.
Cade,
True.... Both parties were at fault......
What did you do? Realized you were wrong..... Wanted to work on M? Go to C? Make changes in you?
What did your W do? Fool around? Seek outsider's advise? File for D?
If that is the case, those are HUGE differences! One person is doing the "right" thing... The other something VERY "wrong"... Just my 25 cents worth....
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
Of course continuing to DB is the wrong thing to do! The marriage is over, communication gone, the history you've had has been rewritten by our spouse. What greater fools are we???
Oh my, that feels like a pity party. It feels nice, warm and fuzzy to my injured self until I realize I'm sitting in a cesspool.
Oops.
Continuing to DB falls into the same category as other healthy practices we started as part of this process.
Oh no, I'm not going to exercise anymore because I don't need the outlet for my anger and my marriage is over..
oops!
Not me, I'm not going to stay involved in these new activities and interests because my marriage failed.
uh oh...
I'm not a fool for trying to become a better person, which in turn makes me .. just me.. realize there might be hope for my marriage because of my new understanding.
The trick to avoid suffering is focusing on 'healing'. The better you, me and all of us get, the better our lives will be. When the sense of suffering comes up, re-evaluate what you're doing. Do you want to hurt.. or do you want to heal.
We have no control over our spouses. They are on their own path. Guess what.. so are we. Toss the rocks out of your shoes, put on sunblock, sunglasses, bring some water and start moving. Take care of yourself. Our spouses know where to find us.
Very interesting perspective. The way you put it makes it seem less like beating a dead horse and more like being open to the to the idea that walking instead of riding may not be so bad.
Continuing to heal seems to be the theme. My therapist thinks that the healing process does not begin until we admit that the relationship is over. I see what you mean, however, about things not necessarily being so black and white.
Me: 35 WAW: 28 Bomb: 1/13/08 S: 1/14/08 D filed: 2/24/08 D final on 7/07/08
Do your damndest in an ostentatious manner all the time. -George S. Patton
My Sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1405138&page=0&fpart=1
Are we? The divorce is done. Is continuing to DB just an exercise in futility? Most of the literature about getting through this ordeal suggests that you must accept the fact that the relationship is over before there can be any healing. Are we unnecessarily prolonging our suffering?
No, we are not fools. We fell in love and lost it.
We still love; not our choice really.
Yes, accept that the R is over but that does not mean giving up how we feel. Remember the R with love and forgive. That is the ticket.
Been 6 months post D and I am not there yet. But live for today and move forward and remember .....
That is the ticket.
If you only focus on accepting it is over leads to failure b/c that is our destination, not our immediate reality.
Focus instead on what a great R it was, why you were so special to have had it, and how opportunities await in our futures.
