I haven't posted on the MLC board in quite a while. But I've been following many posts here.
My story is a twisted, crazy one. Then again, most of ours are, if we're here... watching our spouses go through a crazy alien-like tranformation. And some of you here already know my story. I just thought it would be worthwhile... even cathartic to re-tell it today.
Anyway, in Jan of 06, my H gave me the speech. I was blind-sided. Spent the next two weeks desperately trying to latch onto my H and keep him from pulling away. Yeah... that didn't work.
On Feb 4th, H told me he wanted to separate. Of course, there was "nobody else". Silly, silly me for believing such nonsense.
Okay... let me try to nutshell the next few months. - found out H had an OW. H said he hasn't loved me in years. H moved out - I was...what's the word...immobilized. I was left to care for our 18 month old and 3 year old. - I got stronger... asked for a D. That scared H and he came home (by this time it was mid-March) - H couldn't give OW up. Missed her. Couldn't stay away. When he came home, confirmed that he didn't want me... we were too damaged to repair. - I was once again, crushed. - I got stronger. Moved forward wtih a L. Went to mediation with H. Moving towards D.
Here's where it got really bad. H came and went many times. But each time he came home, he couldn't break ties with OW. Too hard for him.
H had his own place. I was in our home with our kids. When H started spinning out of control, I started to just let him spin. Each time he would leave (many times at my request, due to his behavior), I would find a way to make my life MY life. I would find happiness in an otherwise bad situation. I would envision a happy life without my H.
I think the key to my making it through this was my accepting that I very well may end up D. And once I got to a point where I could be okay with that... where I actually believed I could find happiness without H, that is where the real strength came in.
I was no longer "losing control" of the situation. I was in complete control of me. And wow... that was empowering.
H would see this strength and continue to come to me for help... saying he wanted to be with me, but didn't know why he had such a strong pull.
This back and forth went on for about a year... maybe a little more.
Now, H is moved back home. He has been for a year now. Not all of this past year was good. In fact, some was down right bad.
But now, H and I have a different R. We communicate in ways we hand't before. We resolve conflict much differently now. I now let H be H, rather than trying to control him (as I once did).
Despite thsi very long post, I am leaving a lot of my story out. But the gist of my story is this... H went through a mid-life crisis of some sort. He was very lost, confused, void of emotion, distant, etc... He went a bit crazy. He lived through is own personal hell. And he found his way out. I was here when he came otu the other end.
Many people would have walked after waht H put me through. But for some reason, I didn't. Some might respect me for it. Other might think me pathetic. I guess I don't care what others think about my R anymore. All I care about is that I am whole, H is whole and my family is whole.
There are no guarantees in life. That is a big lesson i learned. You just have to take waht God gives you and find a way to deal.
Anyway, I was just feeling like I wanted to share my experiences.
Last edited by peaceful_spirit; 07/02/0801:52 AM.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thank you so much for sharing that. It is so important I think when people come back to give updates and let other people know that they survived, thrived etc. and especially on this board to let people know that their spouses are really going through something and that they are not insane.
Peaceful.....I can't thank you enough for posting this tonight...I have been doing so so....the day started out great..got my hair done..cut the grass...all that busy stuff.... then the evening hit...it was beautiful outside...D16 was gone..s10 was sleeping on the couch...so I went out back and sat on the patio by myself....yep....the tears came....got my divore remedy book out and started to read, right after I prayed and begged God to take all this pain away....not very good at giving it to God...
then I just got on and saw your post....everything you write even though it's brief is my life...my H has been out for 5 months but i got the speech last June....says he's been feeling this way for years....well, there's another part of my story...I jsut found out in March that my H has an 8 year old son from an affair back then....my children and i are devastated....but i still love the jerk....I have been with him for 30 years....now h is with his "soulmate"....can't stop texting her to save his life but I put a stop to that the other day when he was in my house doing it...such disrespect....
anyway....making a long story short....I want to restore my M...I want him home....I believe H is lost and he snapped....the OW he is with now is a friend of ours from 30 years ago...I want to understand all this....I want to know why...I know I probably with never know but my family is important to me and I want it back....I have always put my family first so now doing things for myself is slow going...I have low self esteem now along with all the other issues....
H tells me I'm going crazy....well....maybe I am....
What got you through each day? Did you H get scared once you said you were done? Mine just says he's doing the right thing and I just need to get over it...and move on....he's never coming home....
Thank heavens for all these great people here who have listened to me, kicked my butt...and are still by my side...this sight has been a Godsend.....
Thank you for posting a positive story....
Treese
Last edited by Treese; 07/02/0802:50 AM.
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a success. Thank you for being a great example of a stander....
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
THANK YOU for sharing your story. I've only been dealing with my situation for two months now and I've already had numerous (allegedly well-meaning) folks tell me to give up on my MLC wife. They don't get why we feel and believe the way we do. Your story of perseverance, faith, determination...it's inspiring.
Me: 47 Kids: 2 boys, 14 & 8 Bomb: 5/5/08 Married: 16 years, together 20 Divorce final 8/11/10 I remarried, to an amazing woman: 3/17/12... "Once in awhile, in an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale"
I have missed you! I am so glad thast things are working out for you and your H!!! We all know what you went through but look now!!!! You made it!!! I knew you would.
It was so generous of you to come back and give the update on your situation. I'm fairly new and when I get discouraged I feel that I may not have the stamina to go the distance. Then, reading your post I realize that I need to have better stamina, I'm in danger of losing hope and it's much too early.
I hope you'll stay and look in on some of us from time to time. Enjoy the holiday weekend with your H!
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Wow... so many responses. I'm sorry that all of you are going through this. It is so hard. Living through it is pure he!!. And I really felt that mine was worse than most.
Treese, you've been hit with a few bombs. I'm so sorry.
My H said all sorts of stuff to me. Here are a few: "I have a connection with OW" "We have nothing in common anymore" "Too much damage has been done" "I'll never come home again" "I don't love you anymore"
I believe my H was running to a more fun, carefree life. He didn't know how to take responsibility for the choices he had made. During this whole time, he didn't even seem to miss the kids. He would go days, even a week sometimes without calling the kids.
The key for me was to let go... to let him go. I guess I considered myself a stander. But I wasn not waiting. I didn't file for D, but I didn't sit and wait for him to come home, either. I actually had given myself a few deadlines. Each time he came home and said he couldn't live without me, he'd end up leaving saying that he wasn't happy, blah, blah.
In the beginning, I tried to convince him that we belonged together and that marriage is full of ups and downs. And it wasn't until I finally just let him go and accepted the situation for what it was, that I finally got some peace. And it was then that I think he started to respect me more. I was no longer the clingy W who was begging for him to stay.
But I did that for me. I did that because it was the only way I knew how to cope. I remember, one of the times he left it was right after Thanksgiving, when I found a TM from OW and he blatently lied about it to my face. I couldn't take it anymore (again) and told him he needed to take his dark self away from me and the boys. And so he did... willingly. He would say things like, "we tried, but we couldn't make it work".
Anyway, i was headed into Christmas without H. I walked into Target a few days later and saw all the Christmas decorations. I cried and left the store. The next day, I went back in and decided to buy all new Christmas decorations and start new traditions with my kids. This was how I dealt with the sadness of going into Christmas without my H. I formed new traditions with my kids. And it really worked. I really detached. I really found happiness on my own.
Again, my story is a very crazy one. My was so back and forth, I couldn't tell which end was up. The key is to not "wait" for your spose to come home. You can stand. You don't have to file for D. But you DO need to find happiness in your own self and in your own life. Find things that make YOU happy, in the absence of your spouse.
This board was a lifesaver to me. Yellowrose and I were going through similar stuff at the same time. I got SO much inspiration and strength from teh folks here. I got some 2x4s also.
I shoudl also say that most of the people in my life told me to divorce his @ss. And that is easy to say when you're not going through it.
Anyway, i have seen first hand how our spouse can go crazy for a bit and recover. But I don't bank on anything either. I know that we are not divorce-proof. I know that we need to work every day, hard, at keeping our M strong. And it is so easy to let that go. I also know that the most important think you can bring to a M is a strong sense of self. That is something I was lacking in the first 6 years of my M.
I'mstillhopefull, Stay hopeful. Nobody thinks they have the stamina to go the distance. And you have to listen to yourself when it comes to that. When and if you're ready to throw in the towel, then you'll know. I remember asking my C, "how will I know when to give up for good". She said, "you'll just know".
If someone said to me three years ago that my H was going to have an A, then come back and forth making and breaking promises over the next few years, i would have said that I would never be able to live through that. Yet, I did. We all do and we all will. Whether we end in D or with restored Ms, we survive. And in more cases than not, we don't just survive, we thrive. We come out stronger.
I thank God for what i went through. I learned some really important things about myself. Things I never would have learned had I not been through such a difficult time.
Anyway, I'm glad I could provide hope for some of you.
Mrs, I keep up with your sitch, but don't post much. You get such great advice already.
YR, you, too. You're still the mother hen of the board! Love ya!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
