The whole month of March we fought. Over everything. We couldn't be in the same room without fighting or giving "those looks". I hated sharing a bed with him. I wanted him to go out of town on business or something. I just wanted him away from me.
I had major surgery March 28th. I was happy to go to the hospital, because it would give me a break from the tension in the house.
Tonight;
H & S9 were playing marco polo in the pool. It's so nice to see him play with the kids now. He didn't used to do that. He was always so harsh in his tone of voice & his approach. He was always so rough. He was always so competetive even with me. He would grab & grope me in the pool or jacuzzi. I told him he was too rough, he would scoff at me, "that's not rough, you act like I'm raping you or something". I never wanted to take a nap with him, I avoided being near him. He was rough, but he didn't believe me.
But not now. I watched him play with S. S was cheating, & H in the past would have gotten mad, & stopped playing. Tonight H just laughed, looked at me winked, & kept playing. S was tired, & needed help in the deep end. The old H would have told him, "don't be a wuss, grab the side of the pool", the new H reached out for S, & pulled him to his chest, & helped him get to the shallower end. My heart was so happy. I just watched & noticed & compared & remembered & was thankful.
When H came to get into the jacuzzi he didn't grab or grope me. He gently caressed my shin & massaged my foot. He waited for me to move closer to him. He gently rubbed my shoulders, & asked how school was going.
I remembered that I used to call his office, & he would say to me "gee, I'm really busy, let me call you back", & most of the time he'd forget. Now, I call his office, & I hear him tell the other person he's talking to, "hey, this is a really important call I've been waiting for, let me get back to you". When a co-worker comes into his office he says "I need to get back with you, this is an important call". Wow ! What a difference. Gotta go, my S9 wants me to watch him play Pikmin2.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Your comparisons from now and then really give one a picture of rags to riches. You give me such warm fuzzies that marriage can and should be all that we dream...
This stuff is making me cry ...which is good. At least I know I am semi-human. The emotions that it stirs up (from the knowlege that W & I can get where you & your H are now at) are very powerful.
SC, your's is an extremely blessed journey by God, even though it sure may not have felt like it at times.
She packed all her things and took off to ohio for two weeks,her mother flied down to drive her home,when my youngest was 12 months old,they were family friends,didnt find out till much after she slept with him too at 16.
I went to C with her for the rape at 19,did the best i could!
It was tough I thought we got through most of it!
Later did I find out from her father she had run away from home 4 times before i meet her,I think i was trying to be the knight in shining armor.
I just dont want to be hurt anymore!
Im still trying,but it dont really dosent hurt much any more.
Bye the way you told me to raise my hand for the OM!!
I could do that,at this point all that ive gone through over the last 22 years.
I could be there for her no matter what,i am that strong for my family.
The tears would be welcome from her,no matter how hard it would be!
i COULD DO IT!!
Been thre done that!
Thanks again cookie,i know tou are so busy with your sitch,and all the people you are helping!!
PS_Bye the way when i can figure out the money thing im going to learn how to dive!Also take flying lessons,and take sky diving lessons!!
Me:42 W:41 Married 22 seperated12-31-07,served papers 2-29-08 S21-S20 partialy disabled S17 Divorce sighed 10-7-08 final 90 days after
Do you have voyeuristic tendencies ? (totally teasing)
I'm sure there are things you cannot share and that's as it should be ;). But seriously your story is inspiring. What would help to really understand (for both WAW and DAM) is how H went from being so terrible to so enlightened in 2-3 months. Has he told you or do you even know? Most of us have gotten stuck in neutral - the WAW has permanent brain damage and the DAM has no idea how to get over the invisible wall and repair the damage.
fb2, this is good, I need to know what you guys need to know....asking questions helps me to stay focused.
For starters, he didn't go from terrible to enlightened in 2-3 months. It's been 13 months of growth now for him. He was terrible back in May '07. I wrote him a letter telling him I was done trying to make our relationship good. He agreed to go to Counseling with me. He agreed to sign a non-abuse agreement contract. He agreed to read the books I asked him to. The books enlightened him. He had no idea that he was abusive. The books laid it out for him. He did all this FINALLY because he thought I was leaving for OM. He was dying inside.
I stayed & gave him the opportunity to change, because I had OM coaching me & telling me how to get H to change. We talked often about how he was teaching me to kick H's *ss. Then I changed counselors in October, & the current psychologist helped me understand things that OM couldn't.
I can teach any woman how to kick her H's *ss. I can teach any DAM how to not be a DAM. What took the most amount of time is developing my self-esteem to believe that I deserved to be treated like a Queen in my own home. What takes the most time/patience with the man is him believing that when he treats her like a Queen, he reaps benefits beyond his imagination.
I sent H an e-mail in January, I told him that if he would trust me to take charge of our relationship, that I promised him a relationship most men only dream of. I reminded him that women have the relationship manual in their head. I asked him if he was willing to follow my lead, to respect my knowledge, that if he relinquished his ego & pride, that he'd be happier than he could imagine.
If you asked him today I believe he'd say....he's happier than he ever imagined he could be.
next question...
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
but what if OM hadn't coached you? what if OM had just worked on capturing you? What if you hadn't gone to C and faced yourself?
I know that I'm DAM, but if given the chance I could be otherwise. And will be in next R. But W won't face her own demons - the reasons she needs to run from intimacy. the reasons she won't make a marriage/relationship a priority over work/career. She thinks they compete rather than seeing one should support the other, and vice versa. It's a self-esteem thing, I know, and it seems so common. I want to support her through it, but she has to take the first step. Only then will she be open to seeing beyond her walls. right?
(totally teasing)