Yes I see what you are saying. Are the positive signs her coming in and wanting the kiss. That is the confusing part.
Times when she intiated the hugs, and then she tells me I need to get better before she can be my friend.
Zoinkers I don't even know how to interpret that.
I mean she is the one that said she was moving out but would still give me a booty call. So where are the booty calls? Even after bomb if we did ML she said she didn't want to mess with my head and it was just sex to her. It was always just S E X to her, and hated the term ML.
Brandnewday, Yes get to know a totally different woman. What if I don't like her.
One of the reasons I wanted to get married was so that I wouldn't have to worry about chasing woman or getting to know them.
I hear ya Phil. It's hard not to over analyze but you just gotta break that mental pattern. I wish I had read DB or DR before things got bad between my W and I or a million other things that would have made the present different.
I'll tell you what though, I've been doing a lot of reading about things to fix me and that has really done a lot for my mental state and made it easier to accept the current situation. I've read a couple books that have made great leaps for my acceptance and recognizing bad mental patterns. The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle are great, I highly recommend them. I'm not trying to preach to you mind you, but if you can work on you some it makes it easier to get the things done you want.
Last edited by Jeremyt; 07/01/0804:47 PM.
M:32 W:29 D:8 D:10 M 6 T 10 bomb 5/20/08 separated 5/22/08 sitch http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1471393&page=5&fpart=1
1. When we were dating you spazzed out on me and caused a scene at my cousins wedding because I caught the garter. I didn't intentionly catch it, it came right to me. You didn't want me touching another girls leg. You beat my ear the whole way home on the hour drive. We left the wedding early. Before we even got to that wedding you spazzed out on me because you gave yourself a runner in your panty hose. We had to stop at a store to get new ones, and then you dind't even change into the new ones.
2. When we were dating you spazzed out on me at your parents house. They were having a picnic. I don't even remember the reason, but I was trying to leave and you were standing in front of my truck screaming obscenities at me. The entire neighborhood was looking at you. Your entire family was looking at you.
3. At our wedding someone tried to bump and grind with me on the dance floor and you caused a scence and almost got into a fight with that woman. The next day you caused a scene at your parents house because people were fussing over us and you just wanted to leave and go on the honeymoon.
3.5 You would not let me be in my best friends wedding because you didn't want me to dance with another girl. Even though they were still going to make arrangements for each of us to dance with our spouses.
4. You were not there for me when my grandmother died.
5. You called me a drunk and an alcoholic all the time even if I wasn't consuming. You did this in front of the kids.
6. You told me to get on the roof and finish the shingling you didn't care if it was raining and I fell off, because there was a half a million insurance policy on me.
7. You would constantly verbally abuse me till I would reach my breaking point and I would act with violence against you. Spit water in your face. Jam a piece of pizza in your face. Push you, and even one time attempted to slap you. Throw out the cookies you just made. Smash phones, smash night lights, burn the bubba underwear. Call you a b|tch because you were acting like one.
8. You would say dispectable deporable things to me and about me and it did not matter who was around.
9. I busted my a$$ trying to make you happy with the house putting on a addition giving you everything you wanted and was never good enough. You state comments like you never felt like I loved you or I was never affectionate to you.
10. You said even if I quit drinking and got help you were going to leave me and there was no hope for reconcilation. You never gave me an intervention. You left me...
yep, I would go back to it in a second! Maybe for my own benefit I should list 100 things.
Phil, I imagine her list may consist of a lot of the same things you said in yours.
It appears to me there are a lot of she did so I did things on your list. I wonder how it looked through her lenses. That is not to say that you saw it wrong, merely that you both probably saw things quite differently.
I know that when my W started talking to me about the past and things that had happened, I was amazed by her view. IMO it was skewed, but the reality for her is that is how she fealt.
Please listen to what Jack said about the instant gratification. It seems to be huge for you as you allow her to dictate your feelings based on her reactions to your behavior.
It is not a chess match where you are posturing, it is about life changes and consistancy. If you consistantly treat her well, in time she will believe it is real.
I think that is a fab idea. Make a wooden cross and put in a nail for each thing I can remember that I thought was bad and let it go. Many of those things on that list I have forgiven but not forgotten. I don't think I have enough nails... lol.
I think the point I'm making about it is. I put up with a lot of bull crap, and IMHO never faultered. Yes her lenses maybe skewed like Ian had said.
Now look I how I got punished for putting up that list.
When I got home, she was sitting on the front porch sun bathing on the chair. The kids were in the house playing the Wii.
She said they were driving her F'n nuts today so she brought them here. I said I know they can be challenging at times. She complained how they can't do anything for themselves. I said well they do here because I make them.
Well the great part is she stayed for about 15 minutes and her and I just talked. Nothing in particular or about anything. I told her the story of how the water company put a note on the door about the meter being off. I was laughing when I was telling the story. My wife said it's because the kids are not here all the time, did you blame it on the kids. I said I didn't blame it on anybody I just told them it was going to go down even more.
Then she started complaining about the yard looking like a mess. I said well it has rained everyday. I don't have time to take care of it, and I don't care about no yard anymore.
Then she started complaining that she was getting fat again. I said you were never fat, and she said yeah right. She said I'm gaining all my weight back though. Seriously she is lucky if she weight 110 lbs soaking weight with a fur coat on.
Well it was a real pleasant sit on the porch. She had to leave to get ready for work. Looks like she is going to be pushing it to get there on time. I stayed on the porch and didn't get up when she walked out. She stood at the stoop for ahwhile, but I'm not falling for it. I didn't try to approach her or show her affection. She said that our son wanted to stay with me again tonight and watch pirate movies. I think I created a monster. When she walked to the car she must have said good bye three more times. I said good bye have a good time at work. She said she hopes they are not busy, because it is so nice so she was doubtful.
I acted a little detached and didn't bother to look at her driving away. Then you know here come the flood gates of tears.
A. I'm getting goal number one. She hung out and intiated conversation.
B. She came to do laundry again, and just wanted to dump the kids asap because they drove her nuts all day.
Think it was A, Phil be positive.
Maybe I should make a list of the 1 and half million things I love about her. Be like a golf shot. Forget the bad shots and remember the good.
