What should I do at this point?

[No_More_Dodo]

I want to know if she is seeing someone, but then I don't - I know, I know.....we are divorced...its not my business....but damn, do I miss her.

Cade,

I know it is a pain when they act this way......... You just need to do what you need to do for your children....

I know you have probably heard it all before.... I will gently remind you.... Focus on yourself...... Focus on GAL.... Focus on making new friends...... Make sure some of those new friends are female..... Whatever you do, do NOT worry about what she is doing.... Focus on building your new life without her....

Whether or not she turns around, you need to focus on these things for you....

Take Care,

NMD

[Cade]

Thanks No_More_Dodo,

Question: Why are WAS attracted to bars?

I mean for me. I don't drink, or smoke. I have gone to bars with friends to hang out, but to meet someone.....I don't know. It seems my exW now likes going to bars for happy hour. WOW, what a 180 for her, or I think it is. When we were going out, it seemed that what she was interested in, but never really said anything. I thought I knew her, now I know that she was not the person I knew - Go figure. I thought she had more character than that.

She would rather leave our children with her mother or a baby sitter and go out to bars - What a women, mother....no dignity at all. Why can't she just call and say, "Hey, I am going out tonight - since you are having the kids tomorrow anyway, how about you pick them up tonight!?"....

I was thinking of calling her and telling her this, but then I thought.....what am I going to get out of it.....for her to say - "F...k off"....or something in that nature. I would be setting myself up for something like that if I did call....

I guess I have to just wait it out - its her life, the kids have to deal with this behavior.......which they should. She acted very inicent during divorce process......now the devil is out....

Patient.....Patient....

[No_More_Dodo]

Thanks No_More_Dodo,

Question: Why are WAS attracted to bars?

I mean for me. I don't drink, or smoke. I have gone to bars with friends to hang out, but to meet someone.....I don't know. It seems my exW now likes going to bars for happy hour. WOW, what a 180 for her, or I think it is. When we were going out, it seemed that what she was interested in, but never really said anything. I thought I knew her, now I know that she was not the person I knew - Go figure. I thought she had more character than that.

She would rather leave our children with her mother or a baby sitter and go out to bars - What a women, mother....no dignity at all. Why can't she just call and say, "Hey, I am going out tonight - since you are having the kids tomorrow anyway, how about you pick them up tonight!?"....

I was thinking of calling her and telling her this, but then I thought.....what am I going to get out of it.....for her to say - "F...k off"....or something in that nature. I would be setting myself up for something like that if I did call....

I guess I have to just wait it out - its her life, the kids have to deal with this behavior.......which they should. She acted very inicent during divorce process......now the devil is out....

Patient.....Patient....

Cade,

First an foremost, your exW is acting upon her selfish feelings.... It is ALL about her..... She goes to the bars because she needs the attention..... It makes he feel good about herself..... She is also attempting to distance herself from you...

The sad truth is your exW is very much like my exW...... As I have written many times, I thought she was a loving, caring, compassionate and faithful Christian woman who would NEVER THINK of hurting me or our M........ I WAS WRONG......... I married her because I trusted her SO much..... I grew to love her so very deeply....

As it turns out, she was just another woman.... No character.... No integrity.... No love....... Not faithful..... She was just selfish......... The hard truth is these women showed the true colors in time... That IS who they are.......

NMD

[Cade]

Sorry everyone, I have been busy looking for a new job, organizing my school schedule for the fall of 2008, taking care of the girls during my weekends.

Thanks No_More_Dodo,

You are right about being selfish. She doesn't really care about the girls. She just sees the girls as an extra income comming from me monthly. She is out with her "Friends" as she like to put it having the time of her life.

She totally acts weird at times. One day she can be really sweet on the phone, another day a total b....tch.

I really see your point regarding her selfish reasons. She doesn't even consider the long run of this divorce....only the shortcommings.

Last week I was complimented by the marriage / divorce counselor about my approach to things. He said that I confront issues to ways to improve myself and at no time have I not admitted to contributing to the fall of my marriage. He said at least you are making changes for yourself and children, unlike her, who possible jumping from relationship to relationship, and whom will remarry and divorce again due to not confronting reasons how she may have contributed to the fall of the marriage.

He said she is the type of person that receives advise from others whom are just as troubled as her and accepts it as the way life is and should be. I agreed with that since she is always questioning me as to why I do things, when no normal person would do it - for example..., I don't watch sports, I read alot, and perfer to go outside and do things rather than watch them on TV. exW would say, why can't you watch the laker game like everyone else - I would reply, I am not like everyone else, I am me. I prefer to go out and do something with friends or family rather than spend time watching sports on TV....If I stay home, then it is to spend quality time with my family talking about events or getting to know each other more.....If and ONLY if I am invited to a friends / family's home to watch a sports event will I sit and watch it with others. Counselor indicated that she has very low self-esteem and needs to do things like others - "LIKE A COPY CAT" - to feel normal, rather than accept herself and do things she perfers to do herself. Mainly, she thinks she is in HIGH SCHOOL again....and is having a MLC of some sort. The counselor suggested to let her live out what is going through. The counselor suggested that since my exW mother divorced and her entire family has divorced for some reason or the other, that this way of life and lifestyle regardless of her having a high college education is the only lifesytle she knows and understands - she only understands dating, boyfriend, marriage, having children, and divorce....then repeating the cycle again, because she has seen this many times throughtout her childhood. She may also hang out with friends of similiar lifestyle to feel normal, because when she is among others whom have had families without divorce - mother and father together for many years, it makes her feel very uncomfortable....she may feel a since of guilt, anger....but then covers it up with cold heart and then reverts back to going off with friends of same lifestyle.

The counselor said that I should not guilt myself, that I should understand this situation, accept it, and realize that I have become and will be a better person from it.

So No_More_Dodo, I see your point, she is just another troubled women, whom blames others rather than confronts her own issues. A women with no ownership to mistakes....no character....a mirror image of her mother.....a troubled women....with no dignity, and self-respect.....a women with a little girls mentality to the realities of life and commitment to marriage....a person that thinks that marriage is like a car....once it get old, to get rid of it. She has no understanding that love is a choice, and that marriage is a commitment - for the good times and bad times. She is a person that runs away when the going gets tuff.

I will say that it is hard a times to accept that I had gone through all of this, but I have at least accepted that I prefered to save my marriage, to have at least accepted her errors or MLC, that I was the partner that was making every attempt to save our relationship, and our family. The partner that had the common sense of seeing the negative outcomes for our children because of divorce......The ONLY person in the relationship to see we were acting like children, and realizing that we had children and that they deserved from us to see past our differences and to be adult enough to come to terms and find SOLUTIONS to living a better life than the one we had before.

I am growing to forgive her for being a troubled person, with no sense of getting past her own ego, and selfishness. I love her because I love our girls, I will accept that she does not feel the same way, but as long as she loves our children, I now that she in a way loves me too - Because mainly.....If I love my children, then I must love the mother of my children.


I know that I rambled on, but this is the only place that allows me to vent and write what is in my mind and heart. I don't know what the future hold for me, but I know that I must go find out responsibly, because my decisions do not impact me alone, they also will impact my girls. So, I am looking for a better job, looking forward to continueing my education, looking for better ways to improving my health, and spirit.

I know that I can't really say much to my exW, because she is my exW, but this is what I at times would like to say:

"exW name here" - I have grown to understand why you left, and how you felt when I verbally and physically abused you. I never meant to say or do the things I did. I am sorry. I know that I acted like an immature jerk, and that I was not acting like the man I should have been. I know now that I was not expressing correctly the love that I really have for you and the love you deserve of me to give you. I do love you and will continue to love you.

I thank you for our children, for they are the result of our love for one another.

....something like that...I also want to thank her for the divorce...I know it sounds confusing /weird. But in a way, I am finally understanding many issues about myself that I was hiding deep down. When I no longer was a afraid to hide them, and confronted them, I felt weight just lift off of me.

I know, I ramble on with no point at times, just typing away what I think and feel. thanks everyone.