No I really don't, but would love some. The last few times we have seen each other it has been easier. The first couple times however, i felt everything in the world bubbling up from the pit of my stomach and jumped out of my mouth. Then I realized (mostly with Twindads help) that no words from me can fix anything right now. Nothing I say will be taken how it is meant in my mind, and even how it is in my mind is not what she needs or wants. This is up to her to make right and me to be patient enough for that to happen.
That’s what I believe but living it is harder. I thought I might actually bite off my tongue last time I saw her. I just try and find my happy place and stay there. Witch was hard at times. I would highly recommend being in a car or another place that you are trapped and cannot walk away. Trust me on that all most all of the times I spoke out was trapped in a car when i wanted to walk away but could not.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
unfortunately today my name is Mr Backslide. I am stuck and need advice. several weeks ago (6 or7) i was given advice by friends here and in my life to not pay for things like her cell phone bill. I walk a line between supporting school and being walked on. I did not take this advice and choose to pay for it without looking who she is calling. well there's the backslide.
I was paying bills and noticed a new number, a lot. well turns out this new number is from an area code in her new city. that was a first so it arouse my curiosity. turns out this number is the one she texed all day on my BD, all week she was here and the night she threw me out after helping her move all day. she also called it several times that night. I even had the idea then she is acting like she needs to get out to go meet someone. well after calling the number (horrible i know) i get the guys name. turns out she told me a few stories about this guy but said he lived near the great lakes.
I am not at all accusing her of an EA or PA, and she has hardly texted or called since then, but I am sick to death of being lied too.
Now the hard part. I don't want to pay any more for her adventures. am i making this choice out of anger or because its right?? does that look like i am less supportive? is this going to be a step back from the friends approach. I have no intentions of talking about this guy with her, in fact i don't even care. I am so disgusted my her and her years of doing this to me, her guy friends can have her. I want the her i know she is cable of being and not this one anyways.
I need help getting my brain correct around this and calmly deciding a course of action, that does not alienate her from the progress we have made, but does take the welcome matt off my back, I am tired of being walked on. and yet again more proof for not looking because it only causes problems.
I am supporting her from the heart and becasue I know its right, and i don't want much in return. it just seems like she keeps taking, even though we have made progress. its going to be a long time before she is a person that I can truly love and trust again, so how do i get there without hating her or spending my time thinking of her. anyone out there willing to be a repacement spouce until ours gets there act together. JK but i do wonder what would happen if i met someone who treats me the way I should be. probaly just the crappy day speaking.
Last edited by JWS; 07/15/0806:15 PM.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
JWS~ Im so sorry this has happened. how horrible. I agree with your friends though, you should stop paying her bills. That is not your responsibility anymore. She chose to hurt you and leave you. Its not helping your situation any by helping her pay those bills. She is taking advantage of you which is not good. I know it sounds harsh but she needs a good dose of reality. If she wants to talk to other guys like that while with you then she needs to find a way to pay for it herself. You are hurting yourself more in the long run by paying her bills because you see these numbers and it gets ur curiosity going.
I think you are making that choice because it is the right thing to do. Your not doing it out of anger. Last time i checked friends didnt pay for other friends bills. Let her see what it is like without you and hopefully that will open her eyes to how good you were to her.
I think once you stop paying her bills you will feel better. You may still think about who she is calling but you wont be able to check which is good. We all have these kinds of days, just keep thinking positive! My thoughts are with you!
Are you just going to stop paying the phone bill or other things as well?
I think you are well within your rights to not pay her phone bill personally, or you could just pay the line rental and she pays for all the calls if you want to compromise.
I think it is a fine line between being her friend and also allowing her to miss you and feel some of the impact of what she is doing. She can't really have her cake and eat it.
I suppose what it will really be about is the way you broach it with her. If you want to support her at school then you could pay for essentials only and she has to pay for her 'fun'.
thats my question too- are you paying for anything else? my H actually started paying for ours when he left and i am happy i dont have to see the bill so i dont get suspicious...this may be a friend that she is opening up to but it does hurt to see it no matter what-- can you just pay it without looking? maybe online billing?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Hi guys, thanks for the advice. I am feeling pretty bitter lately and ticked off. I guess that comes and goes. when you are truly in love with someone it is very easy to overlook even the biggest flaws. I am slow falling out of love with her and starting to not like what i see at all. I am not giving up by any means, its just more reason to accept that this R is over and the only way for our M to survive is to someday start a new one. I guess it may make being friends easier, after all i have a few other difficult friends and although i don't talk to them often i still care for them. she may become the same way for a while.
I called the phone company and we can actually save money on separate plans so that is the approach I will take. aside from that i am paying the car payment and all of her insurance. bottom line is as a student I know what kind of an income she is bringing in and what she cannot afford. its not really the money i care about its her hurting me with out any consequences. having her cake and eating it too, kind of thing. but is that vindictive? I don't know.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I called the phone company and we can actually save money on separate plans so that is the approach I will take.
That sounds like a really good way to play it, I think it would come across well from that point of view. If you are still happy to pay for the other things then you should, although maybe you could ask for a small contribution just so she has to put something in. Or maybe that is a little petty, go with whatever you feel is right for you.
