Trouble DB'ng Again..How Do I Forget?

[water2moon]

I posted this on another forum and it was suggested that I post on here..this is after all where i posted from the beginning so why not..



I have now read DR about 8 times, yet I can't seem to follow the techniques.If I don't stop sabotoging my marriage I may as well file divorce papers right now because H is fed up and is tired of my words promising I will stop throwing it in his face.To fill you in briefly. H had an affair with a co-worker since October of 07. He admitted it in January and lied over and over telling me it was done. On April 25th she crossed the line and started texting my kids nude photos of my H. Police were called, decided not to press charges. After that i knew it was REALLY over.He had tried to leave her many times but she chased him again and again. This time she knew she did wrong and stayed away. So I should be happy right?? H stareted buying things for the house, new furniture, big screen Tv, became so nice and afectionate and we made love a couple of times. But every 2 or 3 days I would start bringing up the affair, asking him questions, sending him things to read online, cursing at him via text message etc..Then I would apologize and say it wouldn't happen again and that I wanted to move on..We would get to a happy place and I took 20 steps backwards..The entire time I just wanted so badly to hear three little words "I love you" and perhaps for him to show some remorse for his actions. But I felt as though he just wanted everything swept under the rug.The day before our anniversary we had another fight so he gave me nothing not even a card..I kept feeling as though deep down he still loved the OW and was just staying here out of obligation and for financial reasons.This is the reason why I think I keep bringing it up..I keep remembering teh texts the OW sent to me that he sent to her telling her how she was the most beautiful thing he ever saw.. and how he never loved anyone in his life the way he loved her..these things are slowly killing me..I know
I need to GAL..and I have been trying, went back to school, looking for a new job etc. But every couple of days or so I lose it again..H is ready to give up on our marriage and we've discussed divorce. I don't want to lose him but I'm so afraid that we'll never be ok again. I plan to see a C again and see if he can teach me the tools to help manage my anger issues.So I am asking anyone who has gone through a similar sitch. how did you forget the affair? Or at least manage to control your anger? I guess my ego is playing a big part here and it hurts to believe he loved somone more than me..I don't know what to do..

[Sara]

W2M,

I haven't heard from you in a long time. I remember your sitch. Sorry to hear that you are having trouble controlling yourself. As I recall, you were very impressive at dealing with your husband during the crisis.

My situation was never as dramatic as yours. My H had his old girlfriend, and was planning to get rid of me and the kids and have a new life with her. Until I found out and ruined his plans. Then we went to a Retrouvaille weekend. They are offered all over the world. Check the website http://www.helpourmarriage.org to find one near you. The weekend made a world of difference to both of us. They taught us to communicate with each other in a fair and open way. And they taught us how not to talk to each other (saying mean things, name calling, bringing up the past, etc.). Spending an entire weekend talking to each other about our feelings and the things that are meaningful to both of us brought out the long lost love feelings. (They'd been lost about 20 years before.) The Retrouvaille weekend was the best thing we'd ever done for ourselves and our marriage.

But even after the weekend, when we were getting along very well, and enjoying each others' company, I was still haunted by his affair. I had nightmares, I had insecurity, I had his letters to her. That's when I started posting on this website. Talking about my insecurities here helped me to deal with it. It took a long time, and a lot of reassurance from him for me to get over his affair.

So you are not crazy. But you are out of control, and that is not good. You need help to get over this. The counseling is a good idea. And I recommend that you and your husband go to a Retrouvaille weekend. And keep posting here, and talk to us about your anger. We will understand. But sending him angry text messages is not the way to go. You know that.

[water2moon]

Sara thank you for the reply..i did actually check out Retrouvaille and there is a session right in my town in September..However H refuses to go. The last couple of weeks have been really bad..Our fights are escalating and we just seem to not be able to talk without an argument. Yesterday I told him that something he said earlier upset me. Basically he told me that I thought sex would fix all of our problems. But he was very vulgar and it upset me. Apparantly this was a problem, he sees this as my wanting to pick a fight. I see it as communicating. I've been reading DR a lot and I can relate to Carol and Dean's story.. Dean sounds a lot like my H. Carol basically decided to stay married and start focusing on herself..But it took a long 8 months for her to get her H back. The woman had the patience of a saint..i'm not sure I do..I guess my problem is I expect him to be madly in love with me again and he just pushes farther away..So now I have to act as if I don't care and I have to take the focus off the R but it is so hard..I have decided to no longer call or text him while he is at work. After all if he's really not working I can't control or change that because of a text now can i? I really regret the things i've done recently and wish I could go back to just 6 weeks agao when we seemed to be on the road to recovery..We laughed together, watched movies, Made love and he was affectionate..But it wasn't enough for me..I was pushing for those 3 little words and instead I pushed him further away..now we barely speak and dont even sleep in the same bed..although his schedule contributes to that.I'm sorry to ramble on and on..I am trying to keep myself busy so I dont feel tempted to call or text..

[hopeful4her]

w2m, you have your M in the palm of your hands. It can't be easy. Hopefully the C sessions will help you. As Hope4us says, it is the stinkin thinkin sometimes that can be our undoing.

I only wish I had my roomie where you had your H.

Please try. Patience. Patience. Patience.

[water2moon]

Thanks hopeful..you are right i do hold the cards right now. H even told me so and when i brought up divorce or seperation he was very upset and told me that he didn't want that..But i want the fairytale right now and my bruised ego can't seemt o forget how much he seemed to love the OW and just how close they were. But H told me that if he wanted her that is where he would be..But still i couldn't believe him..I mean the man lied to me four times telling me he was done when he would start up again 2 weeks later. so trust is difficult for me..But you are so right I need to be more patient.. He sent me a text a little while ago..just said good night..I haven't replied though..Not sure if I should..I'm tired so I may just go to bed.

[hopeful4her]

Just send a "goodnight to you too" and hit the sack.

That sounds ok to me.

[water2moon]

Thanks I was just reading about your DD's graduation..My 10 yr old just had her moving up ceremony too..I was really sad because I kept thinking about the future and wondered if her dad and I would be together for future graduations ,Birthdays, Weddings etc..it's sad that our kids have to suffer because of what we go through.I'm glad you were able to make it though..
And I hope you have a goodnight as well..

[Sugar and Spice]

(((W2M))) Baby steps. There is no magic cure or solution to make you forget, but you have to work through it in order for it not to be the focus of your R now. Keep GAL and find a C that can work with you. Post to us here and as hard as it is, try and control yourself. If you find yourself wanting to bring up the A or talk about it. Count to 100 before you do. Think about what you want to ask. Is it a specific question about something that relates to a situation "right now?" or is it just something that popped into your mind? Can you think about what triggers it?

I know how hard it is not to focus on their R, but OW burned her bridge with H, don't do the same thing. The texts she sent you that he sent her were done in "the fog." Remember when you were a kid and you had a new boyfriend and the stuff you would say? Thats what these A's are like. Most of them are not adult R that start the way our M's did. These are more like HS romances and our WAS's are like kids. OW sent them to you to hurt you and she accomplished what she set out to do, but in the end where is he? With you...you won, not her.

I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to your feelings, of course you are, but you need some time to work through them too. The OW in my sitch has texted me several times and fwd me stuff H sent her and it hurt like hell, but it also says a lot about her character and her insecurities as well. You can only control YOU. You didn't DB all that time to give up now...sweetie you've come too far.

Send him a goodnight to u 2 text and thats it. I'm the last person to lecture about this stuff. I'm the poster child for how NOT to DB, but I am learning about self control and this is the best place to say all of the things you can't(shouldn't) to H.

We are ALWAYS here for you.

[Sara]

W2M,

It is like anything else that is broken. It will not fix itself. That is why if he wants this to work out he should take 48 hours and go to Retrouvaille. That's not a lot of time to spend in order to improve your entire life. Not just for the two of you, but for your daughters too.

I realize that not everyone who goes to Retrouvaille will have as good an experience as I did. I felt like I was swooped out of the middle of the ocean and placed on the beach. From there it was just a short walk back to civilization. I literally fell back in love with my husband during the weekend. Believe me, they are not trying to get such strong results. But it happened to both of us.

I know what you mean about the 3 little words. My husband is not the type to say them often. And at that time I needed to hear them. It took at least 3 months after Retrouvaille until I heard them. Now it is 1 1/2 years later. He doesn't say them anymore. But I can see in his eyes when he kisses me, or when we have sex, that this man loves me. I don't even feel the need to hear it anymore.

There is not a couple who walks in the Retro door with both spouses really wanting to be there. One wants to go, and the other just barely agrees to go. But the program still works.
I'm not saying you can't have good results from counseling. But 1 hour a week is going to take a long time to add up to the two days of a full weekend. This has the potential to give you much faster results.

[water2moon]

Thank you S&S..You are right and i know these things yet I can't always do them. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I wish he would have had his affair, came home told me he loved me and was sorry and we could just put it all behind us. But instead I wonder if he'll ever love me again. He recently told me that due to my actions he doesn't love me and is here only for the kids right now. Yet he doesn't want a D??? Sometimes I feel as though he tests me and WANTS me to make him angry so he can justify his actions perhaps? So i need to stop the pushing and Act as if we are over for now..If I notice that he does indeed instigate than I'll know that we will never be ok and I'll have to end it. I'm hoping that I'm wrong though and we will be ok..