I am a WAW of 4 months. My question is how to handle the issue of sex with my LBS. The last time we were together (2 weeks ago) he initiated it but I declined. I am still so terribly confused about what it is that I want to do (re: going home or not) and I don't want to complicate matters any further. H is still hurting so much and I don't want to do anything that is going to hurt him even more. Yet I can't help but wonder if engaging in sex with H might bring us closer together. How have other walk-away spouses dealt with this issue?
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I think we each deal with it as it comes up, as it is true to where we are at in the R in the moment.
If your goal is to see if the two of you are compatible enough to REALLY give this R a chance. Then shouldn't that include all aspects of intimacy? Mental, emotional & physical.
YOu are asking him to risk emotional & mental intimacy with you in 'talking things' through, and he said he was willing to do that, right?
how is adding sex into the equation going to complicate it anymore? It's my understanding that men see Physcial intimacy as as we view emotional intimacy. It's how they feel more connected to the one they love.
Why don't you tell him what you just typed here.
If he were to initiate again, after this decision you have made to try & see how things fit, would your only reason to decline be because you didn't want to hurt him if things didn't work out? (I hope that made sense?)
Ask him how he would feel about that. How would you feel if he were to decline talking through his feelings about your leaving & risking emotional intimacy if he thought it would just hurt you?
How are the other parts of your sitch working out? Are you in counseling? Are you going to try MC together? What about the OP?
Hang in there.. been there felt that, trying to take different actions (right MaxP?)
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Bridgestone, your words are thought-provoking. I guess I never really thought about the way men view physical intimacy - and yes, the only reason I would decine would be because I didn't want to hurt him if things don't work out. (Made perfect sense, by the way:)
Right now, we've decided that we're just taking things very slowly. We're discussing counseling, although the financial aspect of it is holding us up somewhat, but I suppose there is no price too great if it means we can salvage our marriage - if, of course, that is what we ultimately decide we want to do.
To answer your question, OM is still in my life. I've been reading a book called "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum which has given me a lot of insight as to why things have transpired in my life. The bad thing is, I still have a lot of thinking left to do regarding H and OM. It's so hard when they're both really good men - and I know deep inside that H should have the advantage in the equation (and I suppose he truly does) - but somehow that doesn't automatically mean an easy solution to a very difficult problem. I'll just keep hanging in there, thinking until I give myself headaches, because it seems like the longer this goes on, the harder it gets.
Patience is a virtue... I just haven't learned that virtue yet
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Last night I met with H for dinner and some "us" time. We spent some time talking about R - still at a stalemate there as to what we're going to do. H is impatient and does not want to wait for me to make a decision, but I am adamant that I need time to make sure that I make the choice that is right for me. We were able to move past the intense talk/near argument and have a few laughs. H initiated sex and I complied, but was disappointed at how little pleasure I got out of it. Sex life was always mostly so-so during marriage (only a few times were great) and I guess I had hoped the last 4 months apart would have created a little more chemistry there... but I guess not. Even though I don't regret it, I now am a little more worried about that aspect of things. I know sex isn't everything in a R, but for me it is a big part. So now I'm wondering how much stock should I put into this somewhat disappointing event in the overall scheme of things?
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I'm wondering how much effort either of you is putting forth in this area. If you don't make it important by paying attention to it, then it won't be very good.
The thing is, neither of us were very experienced when we first started dating. I was only 15 and he was only 17. He actually was my first. So everything that we've learned, we learned together. I suppose after 14 years together, you do have to put forth some effort to keep things exciting... Point well taken, Sara. Thanks.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
