Only three weeks ago H told me that he wants to "split, at least for a while" and last week called and said he is coming home for good. I asked about OW (been seeing her for over a year - I just found out 6 weeks ago) he said it is over and he told her. She is still calling him all the time at all hours but he has let me look at his cell phone and has told me when she calls and if he talks to her. The other day he said that he still needs time to "get over her and come to terms with what he did to me and our marriage" and for me to please be patient with him. He has moved from the couch to our bed again. We have not been intimate in 2 years and I guess I was hoping that this "recovery" of our marriage would not take long, but I guess it is going to. Yesterday he did hold my hand and give me a hug while we talked last night. He does say he loves me, but I think that if he does and says so why are we still having almost no physical contact? My own insecurities: she was younger (10 years), thinner, prettier and he no longer finds me sexually attractive. Trying to keep these thoughts out of my mind, but they creep in. I also know now how much they used to (hopefully not now) talked to each on the phone - looked at his cell phone records - and that hurts (he does not talk to me that much, why did he talk to her over and over all day and I got a 2 minute phone call....) How when you have decided to forgive and I have, do you not let these things destroy the changes and progress made to this point? He did tell me that he is relieved that I found out about OW, he said he hated lying to me and now realizes that he does not want to be with her. Again, why can't he just get over it and we can get back on track? Why does he still need time? Logically I know why, but does not make it any eaiser for me.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
I'm new to Piecing, just moved over here from Newcomers, so - sorry, I don't have any answers for you, and I'm asking the same questions!
I read your post and I see many similarities to my own sitch.
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(been seeing her for over a year - I just found out 6 weeks ago)
It was the same with me, this Xmas H confessed to a PA which was going on for a year.
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Yesterday he did hold my hand and give me a hug while we talked last night. He does say he loves me, but I think that if he does and says so why are we still having almost no physical contact?
Exactly the same with me!
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My own insecurities: she was younger (10 years), thinner, prettier and he no longer finds me sexually attractive.
My insecurities are slightly different: OW is my age and even I can see that she is not half as attractive (been immodest ), but apparently the SEX was so great that now my H doesn't feel like ML to me. And -
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The other day he said that he still needs time to "get over her and come to terms with what he did to me and our marriage" and for me to please be patient with him.
Yep. I've heard it from my H a week ago. These words precisely.
Let's hope for an advice from wise folks :).
BTW: you teach Art? Me too!!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Everyone here keeps telling me to be patient and that the intimancy will come back. Right now I have had a bad day, H went on business trip (which I encouraged - don't want to seem to controlling, obsessive and crazy) and now I am driving myself nuts with thoughts, anaylizing everything he said and did today and yesterday, going to bed and try and calm down. I do teach art, high school, what grade to you teach? I flat out asked if this is how we are going to live - no sex - and he said of course not, he just needs time. This is a million times harder than I thought it would be.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Easy to say, but try to stop the "train of thought"! Distruct yourself, watch a movie, get out of the house.
And, yes, your patience is on trial now.
I thought I've reached the limits of my patience with H on the rollercoaster for 20 months and now it seems like a new trial is coming! Emotional intimacy is here, now how do I get the physical intimacy back? Sigh...
I teach at the University, Fine Arts Dept. I'm in Asia and leaving in two months, going home, so - there goes my job...
Hang in there, AT, it will get better!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Can we look at the positives in your sitch rather then all of the negatives...
He came home.
He said he loves you.
He ended it with OW.
He is actually talking about his feelings.
He is making himself accountable to you.
Look, it is really really hard to deal with an affair, and it takes alot of time to truly heal from everything, especially the betrayal.
My feeling is that he wants to make things right with you and if you truly fogive him then your actions need to match your words.
This doesn't mean that you throw things in his face or bombard him with questions each time the OW enters your mind.
You are allowed to be real, and he also needs to understand that you are still hurting.
Making ourselves vulnerable but NOT needy is a balancing act. It really is OK to say that you are feeling a bit insecure and sometimes you need some words of encouragement.
There are a few really good books out there, one is called How Can I Forgive You, and the other is called After the Affair.
Please read them privately, and do not discuss them with your Husband. They are for you to read, not for him.
Your Husband is walking around with an incredible amount of guilt and shame and even though he made the bad choices, it is best not to make him feel worse about what he did.
Be thankful it is over and he wants a fresh start with you.
Now, down to the nitty gritty...
What do you need to change about yourself?
What areas of your Marriage have you been neglecting?
What can you do to make yourself feel better about yourself?
As for the intimacy, it will return, be patient.
Give him time...
For Men, sex is also very emotional not just physical and he needs to feel comfortable again.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Thanks for the reminder to look at the postives. Yesterday he was deleting pictures of her off his phone (there were a lot) all day I was thinking about that. He has not carried a picture of me for years - I don't have one of him either but I was so hurt. Today I sat back and thought about it and remembered that when we were first dating we took pictures all the time. His relationship was illicit, exciting and new, of course they snapped shots of each other. When I thought about it that way it did make me feel better. Still stings but logically I know it was not a slam at me. He is going away for a few days again and he said, "not with her I am not going to answer any phone calles from her, going to turn my phone off at night (that is when she calls) and please believe me. " I appriecate his honesty, he did tell me he talked to her yesterday and that she texted me many times but he did not answer. I did join a gym, took up a new hobby kept plans I had made before his return and still plan on doing those things. I know that I have been neglectful in lots of way about our marriage. Took a lot for granted, stopped being friends with him. Working on getting that back, Today he did touch me more than he has, came and sat with me outside after the kids were in bed. I gave him some space too, he wanted to watch a movie and I wanted to go to bed. I know smothering him by being around all the time will get old real fast. I know that logically - emotionally I want to be right next to him because I want him to remember what we had, I know that is a bad idea so I am backing off. I have done my best not to be judgemental about her and him, in fact I have done that really well as hard as that is. I know he needs to talk about it so I am just listening as hard as some of it is to hear. He drank a lot with her I guess and was still drinking a lot when he came home, he has started to let up on that. I am seeing that as a good sign. Tonight he has been real quiet, my emotions wanted to nag and nag what are you thinking, why are you so quiet. But I have shut up and came upstairs. As for our lack of sex, we always had a great sex life so I think that is why I am so insecure about it. Have not brought it up though. Thanks again _________________________
Bad, bad day. H left for business trip, he asked if he could go, I did not want to be crazy and controlling so I said "of course, go" He made promises about not talking to OW. Now I have gotten myself worked up. Anaylizing everything he said yesterday, his attitute, finding negatives and doubts in all of it. He was short on the phone, so now I think he is making plans with her, he is changing his mind about working things out. Yesterday I was thinking so logically and now I feel like I have gone insane. I did not call him back, will not call back but it feels like any progress I did make on myself is now out the window. Trying to calm down. I know I need to remember that this is a long process and it will take a long time. Needed to vent.
AT, I want to be straight with you. IF you do not stop this behavior then he will leave again, do you understand. He came back home. He ended things with OW. You took him back unconditionally. You said you forgave him. It is your job to work on yourself, and when you find yourself starting to spin, find a way to stop it. Please read some of the resources here that will help you with the healing. Vent here all day if you want to, but do not take it out on him. Both of you have alot of hard work ahead of you, and you can have an even better Marriage then you had before. Right now you have a chance to have that, something that alot of people here do not have. Now Breathe.............
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There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Here is my link from newcomers (I don't think I did it quite right, but, oh well) Not sure if I am piecing yet or still in crisis mode. I feel like still in crisis, but H has made indications that he is done with OW and wants to work on "fixing this mess" At the same time he still seems confused and I am still full of insecrities and doubts. He was away for a few days and was supposed to be home on Sunday but now he says Tuesday. Not inspiring confindance in me, but trying not to go crazy about it.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
I have had the same issues in my situation. W left on 01/28/2008 and moved in with OM. She has now come home to Australia but we're in separate rooms and intimacy is in a coma - we're not wearing our rings and are still "separated" though under the same roof. I guess we're just less separated than before but my expectations are still low to non-existent.
Please for your own good maintain unflappability for yourself. Know that you will be OK whatever happens - and that things are probably going to be OK with H. Still yet to hear an ILY from my W but I sense that she is beginning to soften a little - we spend time together daily.
Take care of yourself GH31
Me: 46 W: 46 T: 23 M: 20 DS12 DD11 DS5
W left: 01/28/08 Discovered OM: 02/26/08 W back for 9 days: 04/08 W returned 05/21/08 EA/PA - 01/08-07/09 W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Last night H had too much to drink and started cyring about what has happened. Not sure if it is good or not, but he did say sorry over and over. He also said that he has to forgive himself and needs to "live with his guilt for a while". I hope that is a good start to restoring our marriage, but like you my expatations are real low. One day at a time. My H's OW calls all the time, hope that ends soon.
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
You can't take it out on your H if the OW calls. She will probably call for some time in the future if she is still doing it now. It appears that he is being honest with you about these calls and that is what matters.....
All you can do is assess your H behavior and it appears from what you've posted is that he wants this to work out with you, not the OW.
Sometimes you have to bite your tongue to keep those insecurities from showing. I know this. When I've managed to handle myself without over-reacting I feel so much better and so does H. It allows us to have a good time together instead of me getting upset and going into a downward spiral.
hang in there- this isn't going to be easy to get over your insecurities. Perhaps you should focus on the good whenever you start to go down that counterproductive pathway.....
), but apparently the SEX was so great that now my H doesn't feel like ML to me. And -