This is *exactly* what I needed to hear. I never want her to feel crushed that I won't allow her space to have this close group of friends.
Do you think I should just kill any thoughts of bringing this up to her, and in particular what I mean by "bringing up" is "Honey, I am totally behind your girl trips and what they mean to you but I'm a little uncomfortable about the dancing with men and the other girls hooking up part."
I think from your response the best thing is to deal with whatever my own underlying insecurities are and not let on how it makes me anxious. I guess it's all in my head and I'd be better off keeping it that way?
Please let me know what you think and thanks again for the very helpful reponse. Happiness is for the brave, you're right after all.
Yeah, Florida and Las Vegas both this fall. W made it her New Years resolution to focus on building her freindships this year. She works tons and has had to neglect them for her job. Meanwhile our marriage has/had been going very well, getting better each year after marriage counseling in 2004. We're in a sore spot with each other just now in part because of this last vacation. I didn't spell it out to her what I was worried about but she knew I was acting "funny." Reminded her of the "bad old days" before marriage counseling I believe (those "bad old days" are the typical "power struggle" stuff described in books like Getting the Love you Want -- nothing racy or scandalous).
I do trips with my friends 2 or 3 times a year, usually never more than a couple of days. We canoe wild rivers. Go camping. Visit wild places.
I'll have to plan one of these for the fall.
Puppy, thanks for the replies, I appreciate your feedback.
Wellllllllll....based upon the info that you go to vegas with a group of guys and other trips, and that fact that it was her resolution, I see nothing wrong with her going on trips. YOu should tell her how you feel about the "dancing with other guys", etc. It's all up to you, but it is playing with fire if there are problems. Up until I had problems, I was able to do the same thing and would NEVER have dreamed of going "across the line". EVER!!!!! It's all about putting yourself in situations...if you affair proof your marriage you avoid those types of situations. Any book would say so.
Jealousy and insecurity is a major turn off to your wife. Be confident in the place you two have worked so hard to get to and keep those doubts in check. It won't help anyway... if a woman is looking for something else she will find it in a grocery store or at a hockey game just as easily.
I want you to keep exploring the anxiety you feel so that you can be genuinely happy and confident. I swear to you, women and men are different and while the guy on the dance floor may believe that he's gonna "get lucky", there is no amount of alcohol that can make me listen to a jerk with a pick up line trying to hit on a married woman. A dance is a dance. I love to dance. My H... not so much. I used to teach dance and it's a way I express myself... freeing... but not necessarily sexual. Groups of girls get up and dance together with no men all the time. It doesn't matter what the guys are thinking when they watch the hot women. At the end of the night, it's how your wife feels about you. Where ever she is.
As for the other girls "hooking up"... we had to set rules. When we go out together, we return to the hotel together. Absolutely NO hookups invited to our hotel rooms. It's just dangerous for everyone.
I want you to feel truly comfortable so I hope you can find a way to get reassurance without triggering her "spidey sense" about your jealousy and insecurity. I don't believe that "affair-proofing" a marriage is about trying to hold on tighter, but about looking inside ourselves and being the husbands and wives that our spouses would be insane to risk losing.
Anyone can cheat if they want to. Anywhere. It's how we feel inside, about our relationships and ourselves, that determines what we will do... what we want to do. Feeling controlled, trapped, untrusted... like we are invisible outside the confines of the job, home, husband and kids... that's the stuff that make us look for more. Feeling like you have to look for more is the worse feeling in the world.
You have until Fall. If I were you, I'd start doing confidence building exercises and genuinely take active interest in her trip plans as the dates near. Shop with her or buy her a nice pair of earrings or bracelet or purse-- a card to tuck in her suitcase. Maybe send flowers to her hotel room when she arrives so that her single friends are jealous of what she has. DO make sure that you have plans for guy trips! If you guys are in the best place you've been... smile and work on keeping it alive now!
I have to laugh sometimes. We all just look for what we want to hear, don't we? We take everyone's advice, and then go with the one that we like to hear the most. I am the same way. Just interesting, anyway. Not that it is wrong. Just interesting.
