I moved out to give him space

[daisy282]

Wow that was long. . .

We are talking/flirting right now via text. He picked out a place for us to go and have dinner and then we are going to go out afterwards.

Wish me luck.

Trying to breathe.

[Tink]

Hi Daisy,

Oh my goodness, there is so much in here that you have not surrendered on. You really need to work on it!

I get the feeling you haven't continued reading the book as soon as you got a bite. You basically did not let him take the lead for anything. (I hope when he offered to meet you somewhere closer because of the traffic you thanked him very much with a big smile for his thoughtfulness?) These things will make him pull away because they are very controlling and/or demanding:

1. I think he was expecting to pay for my dinner too but I already had my card out.
2. I told him I didn't drive all the way there just for dinner.
3. I said "you haven't even tried to kiss me".
4. I made the comment "it's funny how we separated to get away from each other and now we are looking for a place to go to be together again".
5. I was like WTF? We just ML and then you pull away and won't even give me a kiss?.
6. I told him not to treat me like a booty call and then drove away.
7. I ask him if he wants to get together again.
8. I said we would need to talk about the subject before the next time.
9. I get upset and we talk on the phone for awhile.
10. He couldn't talk long and I got more upset.
11. Later on I texted him and asked if he was mad at me.
12. I was talking about my b-day plans and was kind of hinting around.
13. I asked him later and he said "don't push it". I said "I'm not trying to push you. It's my birthday and I am going to go out and have fun with or without you.
14. I said Since when do you care about what other people think?".
15. I said " I need to know soon so I can make other plans"
16. then texted him to let him know that I could hang out in the early evening and that I wanted to go to dinner and then play mini golf or something goofy and fun like that.

This is the one thing you surrendered on:
1.

I told him I was sorry for getting so upset. He said he he forgave me and that it was okay.

"I would rather be with you though." Which I thought was very GAL of me.

No this was not GAL. This was manipulative, controlling and pushy.

Tink

[daisy282]

Wow

Um I actually have read the book twice and taken notes on each chapter. Some of your examples I can understand but I think I did better than how you are portraying it.

I guess I will have to go over my notes again before tonights date.

Anyone else out there think I messed up?

[Tink]

Hi I think I'm going off this board but I'll be on the

EDITED – ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

if you want feedback. Hope all is going well!

Tink

[daisy282]

It's been awhile since I updated here. A lot has happened. Here is a summary. Feel free to ask questions if you are fuzzy on the details.

Monday (my b-day) we met for dinner and then went out to play some games and mini golf. We had a lot of fun together and there was quite a bit of physical affection from both of us. After mini golf we sat and talked for awhile and I broke a DB rule by bringing up the relationship (in the context of him buying a house) but he responded well and we did not argue. Eventually it was dropped. We ended up ML again and it was even better than the week before. Better than in a long time come to think of it. All in all a good date and a wonderful way to spend my birthday.

The next few days we texted a lot and he was even starting to initiate a lot of our conversations and asking me how I am doing or what I am up to, etc. All good stuff.

I had my individual counseling session and it went well. The counselor asked me a lot of questions about our relationship and my past and I think I did a good job staying neutral and not getting angry. It's weird but when I look back I sometimes don't remember why things were so bad in the first place. It's like I miss him so much I only remember the good things. Does that make sense? Anyone else do this?

On Friday he texted to let me know that he had five days off from work and had schedualed his individual counseling session for Monday. We texted back and forth all day and he asked me if I wanted to go for breakfast before his session and then we would see about hanging out afterwards. I agreed and we made the plans.

So yesterday we had our breakfast date. It was a little rocky. We had good conversation over breakfast and then went out to a bookstore and then a movie/music store at the mall to kill some time before he had to leave for his appointment. Again there was a fair amount of physical affection from both of us. We ended around noon when he had to leave to get to the counselors office. He kissed me before he left and said goodbye. I was kind of sad because he was leaving and I did not know for sure when I was going to see him again.

5 minutes after he drove away from the parking lot he texted me to see if I was mad at him. I said no and asked if he was mad at me. He said that he wasn't he just got the feeling that I was mad at him. I said that I was just sad and that I missed him. He sent a question mark back. I said "I just miss the way we used to be. It's hard to be with you and yet not be with you." He asked if there was anything he could do and I said "go to your session and really listen" He said alright and I thanked him. I thought it was very sweet that he offered to do something. In the past it would have been "Oh well. Too bad" kind of attitude. It's definatly a step in the right direction.

After his session he texted to ask about getting together and I offered to meet him but then we deided not to get together because he had a lot on his mind and needed time alone to process. He did say the session went well and told me quite a bit about what they talked about. Our next session will be awhile away because our counselor is going on vacation but the next time we go will be as a couple which will be interesting.

I was sad that we could not get together again because I do not know when we will see each other again. He lives an hour away now and is going to be busy with Army stuff and with his job. It's hard to be content with one day a week when you are used to living together. Oh well. It's still more than I had before.

I am fine now. We talked today and we might get together on Thursday which would be wonderful. I'm just struggling with patience. I am in a place where I feel like things are going so well we should just get back together again and wonder why it is taking so long but at the same time I know that there is such a long road ahead of us. I just hope I don't go crazy before then.

Any encouragment/comments/advice would be more than welcome. Thanks for the support.

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

Like you I moved out to give H space. Like you also we are going to counseling, individual and couples. I have to warn you though, that couples counseling can be a bit of a double-edged sword. If you are seeing a Christian therapist, the good thing is that he/she will likely be pro-marriage.

We have had one session so far as a couple, and my DB coach made a few suggestions for how to use this session as a chance to show off DB skills. Maybe the tips would be of use to you if you see any similarities in our situations...

*Use the initial session as a way to demonstrate that you care enough to listen, and are strong enough to take the whole truth (for me this is because an issue was me not listening, and I had broken down and cried when H first shared his feelings). I told the counselor that I wanted to take the time to hear H's POV, as in the past this wasn't always something that I did. I went further to say that now that I'd had time to process everything, I was no longer devastated, and wanted to focus on the future and how to make positive changes.
*Don't take the couples session as an opportunity to vent your own feelings--not that you don't deserve this too, but as you are the LBS, it's necessary at first to focus on the other's concerns

Again-take this with a grain of salt as your own issues may be completely different to mine, but if you have recently been a little more clingy than you would have liked to have been, the counseling session really is a great opportunity to show your strength.

After his session he texted to ask about getting together and I offered to meet him but then we deided not to get together because he had a lot on his mind and needed time alone to process. He did say the session went well and told me quite a bit about what they talked about. Our next session will be awhile away because our counselor is going on vacation but the next time we go will be as a couple which will be interesting.

While you didn't say how you handled this interaction, i.e. what you said back to your H, it sounds as though you handled it quite well, and gave him the time to process. Really well done!

Also, if you're at the ML stage, that is a LOT better than most of us on the boards. I would love for even a cuddle on the couch at this point!

I think you have a lot to be cautiously optimistic about!

ITH

[daisy282]

Hello Hope

Thanks for the post. I'm sorry that you are in a similar spot as me. I will read up on your posts later today. I know it is hard to go through but just hang in there. It doesn't really get easier but at the same time I look back over the last few months and while I am not 100% happy with things they are infinatly better than they were.

The counselor we are seeing has a pastoral background and is very pro-marriage and yet respects our wishes and will not force anything on us. That is what he told us anyways. So that is something to be thankful for. It will be interesting to see how our session together goes now that we have been seeing each other and having a good time together.

I am trying my best to accept blame for my side of the issue and really trying to look at our relationship through my husbands eyes and trying to understand how he feels. In the past I would always try to change the way he felt by talking him to death (what he called lectures) so now I am trying to give him space to think for himself and then when he tells me how he feels I am trying to really listen and accept it.

It seems to be working! We are doing very well.

I texted him yesterday in the afternoon to see how his thinking was progressing. I probably should have waited for him to contact me but I get so darn impatient He said it was coming along and seemed not into talking. So I asked if he wanted me to leave him alone. He wrote back and said "just about that" which I thought was huge! It meant he wanted to talk to me but not about our relationship. Which is just fine with me. I'm trying to enjoy the moment. I said fair enough and we talked via text (I was at work) most of the day.

So then today we got to talking again (he initiated the conversation this time!) and he asked about getting together tomorrow and we have been texting all day today and are going to get together tomorrow after I get off work for a dinner date and then either go to a park and walk and talk or go to a movie. I'm so happy because I thought it was going to be a week or more until I got to see him again and also because he is really making a point to get together with me.

Im very excited about our date tomorrow. I can't wait to see him. I am just going to have to really focus on not bringing up our marriage issues and just have a good time together. I don't want him to feel any pressure to get into those kinds of talks until he is ready. It's hard when things are going so well to not just say "let's move in together!"

Someday. . .

I'll keep ya posted!

[istherehope]

Sounds like things are going really well!

How did your date go, or is tomorrow? I'm in Dublin so with the time difference I wasn't sure...Let us know anyway as soon as the date is over, and don't talk about R!!!

How long have you been separated by the way?

ITH

[daisy282]

Hey ITH

I just got home from my date It was amazing! To say the least.

Sigh.

He came to my work as planned and I made him a drink (I work in a coffee shop) and he just hung out while I closed up shop for the day. Then we went to dinner and had a good time. A lot of eye contact and joking around.

Afterwards we went across the way to see what movies are playing (I was too hot to go to a park. It's super muggy here now) and there was a showing of the mummy (don't waste your money FYI) in like 20 minutes so we walked around the mall and just talked about nothing in particular. We got our tickets and went and found seats. I let him pick the seats and did not say a word about where he sat even though I wanted to because I despise sitting too close to the screen. I just went along with it and assumed that he had a good reason and it turned out to be fine so I'm glad I did not make a fuss. It's a small thing but at the same time big because it is something I would have mentioned in the past. Controlling!!!

Anyways the movie sucked but in a funny way. We kept looking at each other and smiling at the goofy parts. There was a LOT of physical affection during the movie. . .blushing. It was so nice though.

Afterwards we were talking and well, one thing led to another and we ended up ML. And it was amazing. It's funny how our sex life is better now than when we were living together. I wonder how common that is? I think it is because there is a lack of tension and stress between us these days. We just have fun with it.

Afterwards there was cuddling and a little relationship talk. Not too much and a lot was started by him. Through the night he made several "us", "we" and "our" comments. Still no talk of me being involved in his future (he is facing some career choices right now and there is always this house issue hanging over my head) but it's almost like I can feel that he is taking me and the way things are going into consideration. He did mention at least once that the reason we are doing so well is because we are not living together. He still is stuck in thinking that if we move back in together the arguments will start again. At the moment I see that as his only real objection to living together and working things out. But that is what the counseling is for so I am not going to worry about it right now.

In ways I am losing my patience. There were so many moments tonight where I wanted to say ILY (especially during sex) but I held back. I want it to come from him first. No pressure. It's hard not to say it though but I cannot deal with a setback right now. I'm too jazzed about my progress thus far.

Anyways it was getting late and he had a long drive home so we called it a night.

So now I need to get some sleep. I will talk to him tomorrow when he calls to let me know how a meeting at his work goes.

And ITH in response to your question we have been separated for around 2 months now I think. I don't remember the exact date. You could find it in my previous posts if you want but about 2 months. So there is a lot of hope for you. My husband and I did not really even speak for the first month and only saw each other once during that time. So you are still in this game. Don't give up!!! As always thanks for your post!

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

SO glad to hear about your date!!!It sounds amazing, and good for you on giving up control over the seats. Like you I would have really wanted to pick the seats etc., but I know we have to remember in these weird and confusing times that even the smallest decision like choosing a seat can turn into a metaphor for something else like controlling the entire relationship.

And sex too!!! You have no idea how jealous I (and probably most of the rest of the board!) am, and of course thrilled and happy for you at the same time :).

Really great and encouraging too that he makes "we" comments. I think that says so much. As you are doing so well together, have you ever tried slipping in very subtle future comments such as discussions about Christmas or New Years? Maybe that is too much for where you are right now, but just wondering whether you're at the stage where you can test the waters.

Sounds like for 2 months you have made great progress. Is there any kind of check-in date that you agreed on where you would revisit the separation? Maybe this is too much control, but I hear that many couples do this, or maybe this is something that your counselor will bring up. We have ours, but only because it's when I get back from a foreign assignment, so it's sort of forced, not sure which is better.

Anyway I'm really happy for you. It sounds like you're back to the dating and romance part of things. I think my DB coach would have said this is stage 3...

ITH