Trying ... well if you can call it that, I guess.

[Abbey]

I haven’t posted since my last locked thread very much, ... I’ve been on a roller coaster ride of my own. What I have found out is that my H TRULY believes I had an affair on him. He outright accused the guy in question and set out to screw with his life and job even. Quite the soap opera back in my neighborhood Paton Place. *shakes head*

All the while,... we’ve done some breakfasts and dinners approximately once a week, yet it’s not been as regular as he lead me to believe it would be before we split. So... Trying... imo, takes effort. He’s running hot and cold.

The reality is that his belief is that I had an affair. It comes down to 2 reports from reputable sources that there is NO DOUBT he believes this, and of course the OW managed to cultivate this lie in his head and so basically I’m cooked. How do you prove you DIDN’T have an affair? Answer. ... You can’t. I’m trying to “let go”... maybe he’ll come around and realize that this is untrue,... then again he may not. I have zero control over any of that. I know the odds, unfortunately.

Obviously I’m depressed that my marriage as it’s turned out, has been tossed into the toilet because of a lie... a lie helped happily along by the OW who sees my H’s wallet no less. I have words for this witch... but saying them on this board would get me hoofed, guaranteed. *sly smile*

Anyhow, on top of all this I find myself so confused as to what to do, the last two times we’ve met, HE’s been the one to initiate and show affection. It was him who asked for a hug (I’ve become stoic and business like) and didn’t hug him when we greeted etc. I know he’s heavily involved with her and I’m pulling back. He specifically asked me for hugs during that meeting though. And then the last meeting, he spontaneously reached out and ran his hand down my entire arm in an affectionate way before we hugged to say goodbye. We hugged a few times and he even came and gave me another hug (at my request) after he had already walked to his car.

That was last Friday. But I haven’t heard from him since though. What the hell do I do here? He’s let me go in his mind, I think and I think although he's good at hiding it, it's painful for both of us to see each other. He's lost a pile of weight etc. He’s determined to be “nice” I think to one another, but based on the reality I face regarding what he believes... he’s hurt ... and I think his bruised ego regardless of it being unnecessary... isn’t going to let him feel anything for me for a long time.

At the moment (and even though our last parting was "sweet")... I haven’t called him and won’t. Gotta give him his space, and I will NOT get anywhere as long as that ... witch is still in the picture. I’m working on me... a lot.

Trying to figure out what the hell I see/want in my future. I know what I want... I'm not sure if there's really ANY answer now, how to get it other than to put it into faith and "god's hands".

Anyone read the book The Secret?

Abbey

[LolaL]

I listened to the cd's of the Secret. To be honest, I have read better books, and although have heard great things about this, was not impressed.

The one that I recommend reading is The Dance of Fear. I think we all experience fear and anxiety, and this book addresses that fear and how to deal with the anxiety.

(((Abbey))) I know things seem hopeless, but there is always hope. Sometimes its easier to say than believe, but just hang on to faith that in the long run, you will be all right, no matter what.

Lola

[girlfromipanema]

Abbey,

I've been wondering what has been happening in your situation. I've read the Secret. It was OK. I also read Conversations with God and The Law of Attraction. All carry the same principles. Unfortunately, I have not mastered any of the techniques!

About your relationship with your husband... I think you should stay the course. You are correct - you cannot control anything your H does. You can only be the best you can be and perhaps your husband will come around and see what he's missing.

I like your restraint, but feel free to post whatever is on your mind. I would never 'hoof' you (not familiar with that term.) =)

Hang in there, Abbey and please keep us updated so we know what's going on with you.

[MichelleLT]

We are always here for you.

No matter what you have to say.

We will always support you!

(((Abbey)))

[Abbey]

I'm going to quote myself from Kris's thread...

"We're in "good company". Uhm... Christy Brinkley, Sarah Evans, Shania... ah hell, love her or hate her... even Hillary. All women that had the world by the whahoo, if you know what I mean. All cheated on. They're not failures,... they were failed on by their spouses. We've (men and women here) have been failed by our spouses."

I think on some levels many of us probably internalize and feel like failures or other such emotion. Reality is, it takes 2, but at least we on this board... we've *tried*... for some of us it will work out... for others, it won't.

Working on us, regardless if we DB or do a combo of another marriage saving technique, or positive "law of attraction" type of program in conjunction with it or not... it really comes down to us having to work on us... and if the spouses don't come round,... it's their loss. I've had to come to that conclusion - "full stop". In my sitch... especially knowing what I do now that he truly believes I screwed around on him... when I didn't, everything that happened, including his own affair makes a lot more sense. I have to say, there's a strange calm that comes with being totally defeated, knowing that there is NOTHING more you can do to turn the lie he believes on it's ear. I mean the cold hard facts is that it'll take a lightening bolt or a miracle to turn that around in his head. Maybe he'll figure out he misses me enough to want to "over look" what he believes someday.... who knows. All out of my control.

My H is "hurt".... regardless of his own transgressions, it's quite obvious that he thinks I'm one hundred and ten percent responsible for this marriage melt down. (It's par for the course with all the re-writing of history they do in their heads, is it not?) Anyhoo...

With the calm also comes the realization that... I still am committed to becoming the person that only a total moron would not want to be married to. HOWEVER, for me, it does spell that I don't want another relationship... I just simply do not. I'll be happy "being me".

I hung out with my one of my best friends I've had in the last 11 years. We spent the whole day together and talked on the phone again yesterday for 2 hours. Her comments were interesting to me... that it was "good to have me back". I quizzed her more on her comments yesterday and she confirmed what I was "hoping" was happening to me... that the ADs are working. The old "me" is starting to re-appear. I finally confessed what I've been hiding for the last 4 years... which was the depression I should have sought help for a long, long time ago. She said it explained a lot of what she couldn't figure out with me... why I'd go into hibernation mode etc.

Her comments were extremely encouraging... that I'm starting to "become" like the person she knew when we first met. Those were magic words to my ears. Those were happier times in my marriage... those where happier times for me "as me", if you know what I mean.

Maybe someday my H will notice the same changes in me, ... more stuff in God's hands, I guess, isn't it. Still leaves me leaving the door 1/4 of an inch... it's all I can do.

Abbey

[Abbey]

Journaling, ... one other thought about the AD's working... the downside is that the clarity of our sitches also become apparent. It really distressed me that even though I seemed more "even"... that I'd still find myself in those "bad days" or bad couple of hours where I"d just as soon stay in bed and cry.

My T says those "bad days" will come and go... in part now because my brain is remapping in a way... and the sadness is a reflection of my need to mourn the relationship, the loss of it. I had actually thought these things would numb me right out. Nope, ... bummer ;)...

Me, coming around to becoming my old self ... is bitter sweet, I know the H is going to rationalize that I'm better off "alone" than us living together and being together etc etc etc. Frankly he's a mental health snob,... I've decided I'm not going to even bother trying to explain the changes he may see or not see,... he'll already make up his own mind about me, one way or the other. Shame really, but more of that "defeat" factor I guess. If he was genuinely interested, I'd explain it to him. But it would really would come down to an R type talk. Not something I'm going to engage with him unless he decides he wanted to be my husband again.

My T says he needs to hit rock bottom. Giving him ammo about my "process" only allows himself to reroute his rationalization that this is still all MY fault... I have to let him crash and burn without giving him extra "steps" to put on me, and blame on me.

This truly is a strange path we find ourselves on, isn't it.

Abbey

[MichelleLT]

(((Abbey)))

It is the strangest path.

I am glad you are feeling more yourself, more confident. You also sound more detached.

Generally, you sound good.

[7 Year Itch]

Her comments were interesting to me... that it was "good to have me back". I quizzed her more on her comments yesterday and she confirmed what I was "hoping" was happening to me... that the ADs are working. The old "me" is starting to re-appear. I finally confessed what I've been hiding for the last 4 years... which was the depression I should have sought help for a long, long time ago. She said it explained a lot of what she couldn't figure out with me... why I'd go into hibernation mode etc.

Abbey

I can so identify with you. I too just realized after getting on AD's 2 months ago, that I was in a depression (probably started as post partum, and then increased as big life stuff we've had in the last 2 years happened). Like you my H I don't think fully gets it. He still sees me so sad and crying over our separation etc, yet I'm so much better. But it's about how I feel, it's not necessarily something I can show him right now. AD's aren't "happy pills", you still feel, it just puts things in a more rational perspective. And I realize now how I felt the last 2 1/2 years was NOT normal, and very much a depression.

I too pray that at some point H will see the change, and start viewing that 2 1/2 years as a moment in our marriage, and not define our entire 12 years by it. Hang in there.

Chris

[The Wifey]

(((Abbey))) I haven't gone the AD route yet. Actually haven't needed to until the bomb! I was just blissfully unaware that our little roller coaster had a wheel that was about to fly off and throw our whole world into chaos.

Its good that you are starting to be your old self. I'm trying and I respect the progress you've made.

I accept the whole crazy mess I've been handed and I'm working on GAL. Way to go, girl!

New acronym: WTGG!

[Abbey]

Chris, the thing about the ADs working... is that I still feel *real* sadness. You feel that too? I'm not consumed or weighted as I felt before under the depression though. This feeling is depressed over the pointlessness of the sitch, and over the fact that the mountain I face to even try to fix this is enormous. Almost a pre and post exhaustion because I know the effort required to redirect our lives in a way needed to obtain the kind of married life together we deserve, needs BOTH OF us to really be committed to in a way that we'd lost a long, long time ago. It's kinda like standing in front a your house after it being bulldozed and you're now standing there with a screwdriver in your hand. *rolls eyes* Ya know what I mean?

I still cry, still want to lay down for an hour in bed and just pull the covers over my had and pamper myself (my T said that I'm allowed to allow myself to do this.) This was a concept that I really have had a hard time with. Allowing myself to take care of me. Strange, isn't it. I do find that if I stay "in" that mode for too long though, it takes me longer to get out of it. I'm going to have to put a time limit on it I think. One hour, nap,... then get up and put my make up on and self indulge in something.

Michelle,... yep, I need some kind of boy toy too. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, cuz it's not meant to at all... I've SERIOUSLY thought of putting an advert in the local music scene website for a male guitarist, who leans towards acoustic music and can sing harmony and want to write and gig some. The rub is: He must be gay. *smile* Good looking but gay. *tongue in cheek* That's where I'm at. I want a bud but someone I don't have to have the complication of ever having to worry about being romantically involved with,... who can have fun with me, do some tunes together and well... gay guys of the music variety can be such EXCELLENT female pamperers and amazing conversationalists.

Ahhhh.
Abbey