Wife is considering filing - Need Help

[LosingSunshine]

I started this new thread because I wanted to share a little more of the history behind my current sitch and also to seek advice for some of the current happenings.

W and I have been together for almost 8 years, M almost 5 with 4D and 2S. Our lifes have been transformed over the years with the birth of our kids and two job relocations (my job). In addition to the job relocations, the past year and a half have been extremely stressful at work with insane hours, fear of layoff, seeking opportunities elsewhere and anywhere. All of this was happened shortly after we began experiencing other M issues. We began having an SSM after 4D was born and we fell into the that circular trap of no action - reaction etc...that intensified with the second relo (first relo - not married yet, no kids). My reaction to the SSM and stress at work was to come home and drink, not too excessively during the week, but nonetheless, enough to be considered incapable of helping with duties (getting up with kids at night). Of course, on the weekend with get togethers with friends, I would drink which allowed her not to take part in the fun because of the responsibility of the kids (also, never physically or verbally abusive when drinking). In addition, I allowed myself to become removed from most of the household chores as my W picked up the slack.

We had our discussions about this and we both agreed that we would work on our shortcomings but nothing everchanged, if anything, it all got worse. Fast forward to the past few months, things at work were getting extremely stressful at work...to the point that we had decided to move closer to family at anycost. Shortly after that decision was made, the W starting becoming friends with some very independent women, which I encouraged, but to my knowledge, we were still moving. As job hunting goes, it took awhile for something to materialize which happened the day before the bomb dropped (basically had to go to city for interview and would receive offer next day with relo package).

The day she dropped the bomb (Tuesday last week) was the day before her b-day. Also, her new friends emailed me right before I left work the previous Friday asking if they could take her out for dinner and drinks on her b-day and I said sure...I was even invited but decided no to stay home and watch the kids and let her have fun. That evening, after dinner with another couple, I mentioned it to her (forgetting that it was going to be a surprise) just to make sure there was nothing she was expecting to be doing with me and the kids. Well, turns out that was a no-no. W POV became that I was angry that they were doing this. Additionally, the day the bomb dropped she found out that BFF's mom from back home had been hospitalized and commented that if she died, she would not be able to go to the funeral b/c of my f*&^% interview on Friday. She finally got in touch with BFF and found out nothing to worry about but told her how angry I was about her friends taking her out the next day. I told her that the statement made me look horrible and it was not true. I left upset (she says stormed out) and when I came home, helped put the kids down. I prodded later on why she was upset and so it all now begins...

Loves me, always will. Doesn't want to work on M, not sure if S or D just not sure who she is, what she wants, needs independence. Too tired, has let go of worrying about me and that makes her feel better. I'll post a link to my other thread that details the next few days.

Well, yesterday morning, she moved downstairs while I took the kids to church and my D golfing with me.

When we got home, I took my S to the hardware store with me but before I left, she asked me to pick some things up for her shich I did. When we got back she wanted to talk again...she was pretty certain that D was the answer, she said.

I told her that I don't think so, but I support whatever decision she thinks is best for her. I told her that I see several happy endings to our journeys we are beginning. She also said, that she's sure there is someone else out there that can make me happier than she could???? W said she doesn't know who she is and I stated that she is a wonderful mom. Some talk about contributing issues (SSM, drinking (I said I will be discussing with C why I drink when stressed) communication issues) and it was hard to keep it as the we's and I. Doesn't want me to be angry or frustrated. I said I wouldn't be angry (frustrated, eh, yeah) but we should treadlightly with acting on decisions because no matter what we think, the kids will be impacted. I left the conversation to start dinner. During this talk, the kids constantly interrupted so shortly thereafter, I suggested that the next time, maybe we get a friend's daughter to come over to watch the kids so we could leave and talk. She was open to that.

Well, finished dinner, helped bathe kids and she took over from there saying I could do whatever. So I did.

I left and didn't come home for 2 1/2 hrs. She probably thought I went to the bar but I didn't. I went to a friends house to talk. When I got back, she was upstairs sitting on the couch with a very upset/distraught look on her face. I asked how the kids were going to bed and she said okay. I put away the dishes and went outside to think. She went downstairs eventually, not sure when...

This morning, she asked me how I slept and I said okay. Was up the earliest in the longtime and actually helped immensely with the kids this morning (another 180). Gave her the address of my C that she agreed to meet with today. She also thanked me for picking up her lunches for the week. I got to work and felt that I needed a 1/2 day so I took the afternoon off to write this.

Well, I get online and noticed that when I opened the browser, the most visited site was left on and her searches include d law, finding hidden assets (I wish I had some), googling my name etc..

I've been wondering the past hour, why keep these internet searches so obvious, why still calling me honey. Does she want me to chase her? Is my LRT pushing her to D. This is barely a week old but she has a history of over reacting before letting the dust settle.

I am keeping focused on the kids, doing things that I should have done a long time ago, have reduced drinking to just a few if any (I want to make the choice out of enjoyment and not stress) but not overdoing it and will reassess shortly. I hope my C can cause the train to slow down and that she gets a C sooner rather than later.

Any advice from WAWs? I fear that my 180s and PMA and LRT are coming across as me trying to upset her eventhough I am not. She has said so, just that what I am doing will not change her mind..I said that I like doing what I am doing because I am getting such a pos response from the kids.

How do I get the dust to settle and into a holding pattern? Any advice?

[LosingSunshine]

original thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1489292

[LosingSunshine]

I feel awful that I have allowed my lack of actions and actions take my M to this place it is now. I do wish that we had better communication over the years to truly understand each others needs. I am just not a patient person (C says high energy, too) which means this will be a very trying and character building experience.

I just fear what a D, especially if it is an over reaction will have on kids as we are 1000s of miles from friends and family and she has no intention of moving back home and there is no advancement opportunity for me where we are. This will truly be a disastrous situation.

I cried for the first time about this at church yesterday. First time that I had been in over a year and I felt horrible that W was not there given that it was something important to her when we got M and was a foundational stone early in our M. Her mom always went alone and her grandmonther would take her and sis, but that stopped when gm died. I feel guilty that I asked and W for the kids to go with me. I feel this way because I know she feels, or will feel horrible that she won't have this with the kids. I don't want her to feel that way because she might interpret it as me trying to hurt her by causing her to remember her past.

4D and 2S were just angels during mass and I was happy that father mentioned our talk during from Friday during the homily. He asked me what would I ask from God, and I said foregiveness. Not just from my wife but of myself because no matter what the cause was, I could have, should have and didn't.

Should I be emotional in front of my W when she get's emotional? She has cried each time she brings M/S/D up and I have been strong. I feel like I am playing a game but I just want to save my M and keep my family from falling apart.

[BeginningAgain]

Sorry you are experiencing all of this. Just my two cents worth, but I would stop the drinking completely. It's obviously been a source of some of your problems and abstaining from alcohol would be a true 180 for you and could make a positive impact on how she views you.

You said she has a history of overreacting before the dust settles. Sounds like to me that you need to give her some space and let her sort things out a bit. Continue to give support as much as you can with the kids and let her be the one to bring up the R issues - however I'm no expert mind you since I find myself here with my own problems as well - but this seems to be valid advice given by others on this board. Good luck to you.

S4H

[LosingSunshine]

Thanks S4H. I raised the drinking issue with my C and I guess my fear right now is by giving up alc, will I be able to enjoy socializing. You are right, it's the one 180 if have yet to do...moving slowly and closer to it.

[BeginningAgain]

Just being honest with you - but if you need alc to enjoy socializing then to me that is a huge red flag for having a drinking problem and should really make you want to quit before it gets worse.

S4H

[LosingSunshine]

Thx S4H. I am looking at my kids right now and finding the strength for this 180. I know it will be hard but I have done it before. It's just that I used it as a stress release from work without fully understanding or appreciating the impact it was having. My other 180 is to quit smoking again. I had quit for over 2 years but started again on our trip to mx in April. She let me down there and started nagging when we got back but the stress at work kept me smoking. Tomorrow I go back on the patch.

[BeginningAgain]

LS,

You have a full plate - keep the focus one day at a time and you will do fine. Make sure to do it for yourself as well - kids are important too! All the best.

S4H

[Scott123]

LS,

Just a quick suggestion for alcohol problem and the social
situations.

Do some research on the amino acid L-Theanine It's fantastic
for anxiety and there are zero side effects. It's simply
an amino acid, it's found in green tea and its partly why
green tea has a calming affect. it is cheap and begins
working within 20/30 mins. I had a severe anxiety problem
when I was dealing with hypo and l-theanine saved the day and
still does now.

For the alcohol. Alcohol really screws with your bloodsugar
as alcohol is basically turned to sugar in your system. One
way to fight these cravings is by using chromium. Do some
research on chromium and you'll learn how it helps with
cravings related to alcohol, sugar and simple carbs.

Hope everything works out for you,

- Scott

[LosingSunshine]

Thx! I'll do some research tomorrow. I talked with a friend tonight and he'll be there for support with the no drinking. U am now just wondering if I rushed into LRT. The bomb was heard loud and clear and I found this group the next day and had DR read by the end of last week. It's just so many of the dots don't connect. If she's over reacting, is LRT good? Thoughts? Maybe I don't to believe she's a WAW. I don't know. Another trip to C tomorrow.

What sucks is I have to do much. Of this typing on my blackberry. Can you tell? The good thing is I have never been good expressing feelings and this will help me there.