Okay, after a quick perusal of the topics posted on here, I am beginning to wonder if it is the right thing for me to post this, but I'm taking a chance because I need all the help (or whatever else you can throw at me) I can get.
I am a WAW, and yes, I am the one who is cheating. I hate to admit that, but it is the truth. The thing is, I was unhappy in my marriage. I basically was in it by myself for nearly 10 years while H worked his life away. I tried nagging, begging, threatening... all of it fell on deaf ears. I even told him, point blank, "You need to spend less time at work and more time at home, or you're going to lose me." Again - deaf ears.
My EA began over 3 years ago with a co-worker. We clicked instantly and our friendship grew. When we both admitted that our feelings went beyond friendship 4 months ago, he left his GF and I admitted all to H. Although H sees how his actions contributed to my unhappiness and the resulting EA, he basically threw his hands up and gave up on M. So I walked...
Fast forward to today. EA has now become PA and steady relationship, H and I are still on friendly terms, D has been initiated, but I cannot help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I still have love for H - I still consider him my best friend. We've spent half our lives together, have basically grown up together, and have always had each other to count on. We're both having a hard time letting go, so it makes me wonder if we're supposed to... or did we just give up too soon?
Right now I'm on emotional shutdown - I'm so tired of the pain and the tears and the not knowing what I should do or what I want to do. I care deeply for OM and he has been completely understanding/patient with me, my torment and confusion. He has done what H could never seemingly do - spend time with me (sounds simple, doesn't it?) It's all I ever asked of H and he couldn't do it.
Even though I am happy with OM, I still miss H - too much time and love invested, I guess. I still love H, although I'm struggling to figure out if I just miss my best friend or if I truly want to save M. Each day is a flip-flop of decisions - I want to go home and stop D, then I want to continue living my own life on my own terms and go through with D, and then back and forth.
I guess my question is, if there are others out there who are or who have been in my position, how do I sort through the tangle of emotions to figure out what I really want? How do you make the choice of whether to stay away or go back? And then how do you deal with the fact that, either way, two hearts get broken?
Last edited by lost3031; 06/23/0806:15 PM.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I still have love for H - I still consider him my best friend. We've spent half our lives together, have basically grown up together, and have always had each other to count on. We're both having a hard time letting go, so it makes me wonder if we're supposed to... or did we just give up too soon?
First of all, I commend you for being brave and posting here! I do have to admit that I am not a WAW, but have a WAH. I think he got tired of me being depressed, and he also had an EA and now a PA. I just think if you love your H and he is your best friend, instead of involving an OM it would be so much better to work on your marriage. Then, if OM is not involved, and it doesn't work out, you can make the decision then.
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I care deeply for OM and he has been completely understanding/patient with me, my torment and confusion. He has done what H could never seemingly do - spend time with me (sounds simple, doesn't it?) It's all I ever asked of H and he couldn't do it.
Yeah, OM sounds great, how sweet that he's understanding of the issues you are facing as a married woman? But I don't think generally too highly of people that get involved with married people or have too much sympathy either. OM knew what he was getting involved in, so of course he should be understanding.
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How do you make the choice of whether to stay away or go back? And then how do you deal with the fact that, either way, two hearts get broken?
It seems to me that if you're torn between the two, your H should win that contest hands down. And being a workaholic is not that terrible of a crime I don't think and one that could be worked on I think if your H is willing. If your H is willing to work on his issues, and you have some to work on as well, then I don't know why you wouldn't try to give your marriage a chance. And I'm sorry but I think if you are trying to decide whether to break your H's heart or OM's--OM knew there was that possibility getting involved with a married woman or should have, so that wouldn't be much of a choice for me! Karen
I guess you should do what makes you happiest, huh? I mean, you either operate from a moral framework of "right vs. wrong" or from one of "happy vs. unhappy" and doing -- how you phrased it -- what YOU really want.
I guess you should do what makes you happiest, huh? I mean, you either operate from a moral framework of "right vs. wrong" or from one of "happy vs. unhappy" and doing -- how you phrased it -- what YOU really want.
Puppy
But of course the problem is that when you operate on happy vs. unhappy, then when you discover your OM's faults (trust me he has them like we all do!) then are you going to leave that R also? And you don't sound very happy to me right now from what you describe. I think you might need to work on making yourself happy rather than looking at any man to do that for you (b/c ultimately it won't work)... Karen
Hi Lost...I was a WAW, and like you, I had tried to get my now-ex-husband to see and understand that I needed more from him or I would slip away.
In the end, he just couldn't or wouldn't give me enough.
I had been unfaithful in the past, but at the time I finally separated from him, there was no OM. I did however, quickly begin dating once I moved out.
You can go to my screen name, click "view posts", and go to the first post called "new here" if you want to read my whole tale (its pretty long).
My advice to you is this: if you get divorced and stay with the OM, it will not work out. No matter how you think it may work out at this time, it won't. Please do some research about marriages which started as an affair and the likelihood that they stay together. I know you aren't saying you are going to marry the OM, but just so you know those statistics, you should go and do the research.
When a relationship starts out as an affair, no matter what you may tell yourself about how you were already "done" with the marriage, you will find later that it just doesn't work that way. The mind, the psyche, and your inner self, all KNOW better than the half-truths you are telling yourself. (Please don't think I am judging you here - this is just the truth, not a lecture). If you end up divorced, and you go directly into the arms of another man without healing yourself and regaining your autonomy and having some freedom and dating some other men first...then you will likely leave the OM within one year, or if you stay with him, you will likely have an affair on him, too (or he may have one on you).
As for you and your husband...you have to get your head on straight before you can really know whether or not your marriage still has a chance to survive. You can't get it on straight when there is an OM.
Again, this is not judgement. It is simply the truth, and I have lived it so I am speaking from a position of knowlege.
