I've been a WAW for 4 months now. H and I are still friendly but it's been difficult. We used to see each other at least once a week, but the last two weeks we went cold turkey. It was hard on both of us and has made us both wonder if seeing more of each other might ignite some of the old feelings or confirm that we're doing the right thing, either way making things move along quicker. D has been initiated, and perhaps we're just having second thoughts (cold feet?), but I'm wondering if seeing each other more socially is a good idea or not.
Without going into too much detail about my R history, there were two reasons I left: 1)H is a workaholic and never around, felt like I've lived alone the last 10 years; and 2) I had developed feelings for OM and wanted to sort those out, in addition to figuring out how to repair M.
H, understandably, initially was not interested in spending time together for a while. I got the impression that meant he was not interested in fixing things and began forging a deeper friendship (and I stress the word "friendship") with OM. I know that OM is getting more attached to me and our relationship every day, and I want to get this sorted out ASAP, for all of our sakes.
So I guess my question is, have any of you been in this situation and found that spending more time with LBS actually made you realize that they were really the person you wanted to be with? Or that they weren't the person you wanted to be with? Any advice on how to handle the whole idea of "hanging out" with LBS without either of you getting hurt more? Actually, any advice at all is welcomed as I am a mess...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I'm a LBS so have definite opinions. I don't think you can realistically approach working on your M if you are emotionally or physically involved with someone else - the energy & emotions needed to even approach working on things are being consumed by another. It is also unrealistic to compare the excitement of a new R with an old one. The new one will, of course, carry it's own problems once the newness wears off.
But I don't want to hit you with a 2x4 because I know you're probably feeling confused and vulnerable. I'd suggest you take a look at whatdidido's threads over in infidelity - she decided to pursue OM but is now trying to reapproach her M. It isn't easy.
Good luck. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this difficult position. lodo
Lost, I went back & read more of your sitch from earlier last week. I can fully understand the need for someone to understand and 'get you'. I hear that is what the OM does for you and why the relationship, for both of you is creating a deeper attachment.
I can relate to a H who is a work-aholic, mine is too. The lonliness is devestating to ones ego & draining to the emotional bucket.
What if I told you that this 'working extreme hours' is how your H has shown you how much he loves you? Would that change how you view his actions? Instead of him running away to work because he doesn't love you, you see his going to work each day & stays long hours because he loves you beyond compare & wants more than anything to make you happy & the only way he knows of (for what ever reason) and is good at, is to work & provide.
I suggest 3 things:
1- Cool it with the OM & by that I mean no intimate talks about feelings, thoughts, etc you wouldn't have with other co-workers. Explain to him why you need to do this. To develop your own sense of emotional maturity & decision making.
2- Buy & read the following books: DB, Keeping Love Alive, the 5 love languages, & the relationship cure.
3- GET THEE INTO COUNSELING!! I would highly recommend finding a counselor who you can share these intimate feelings & thoughts with, who can provides an impartial viewpoint. Neither H or OM, despite their best intentions, can do that for you. Do individual counseling first and then if you are ready & H is ready, at minimum do divorce counseling and hopefully, marriage counseling.
I don't agree that you should return home to do these things. Women, like us who went right from Mom & Dad to marriage, struggle to find our own emotional identity. Space helps us with that.
If your H is not willing to make changes, other than to work less, without working through with you, why it hurts you for him to do that or why he works so much, it seems like a mute point to move back to him. but ultimately that decision is up to you. I left because my sitch was becoming physically dangerous for me to stay.
Make it clear to your H that you are conflicted about the D. My counselor told me & I have heard on this board more than once. If you are unsure of a decision, than be ok with your indecision, tel him of that, and wait until you can be sure of it.
If YOU are not convinced that a D is the right thing to do for you at this point, then don't do it. But getting involved with someone else emotionally will give you all the wrong reasons to leave the marriage.
Just a side thought, don't you think if you leave your H for an OM, that it is just matter of time before your OM begins to wonder when you are going to trade him in for a better model??
remember to breath, take it one moment at a time, & that you can only change you.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
lodo, as a LBS yourself, I am curious as to what you would have wanted (or do want, as I don't know your current situation) your WAS to do? Spend time with you or not? H and I both love to see each other but are both well aware of the somewhat bittersweet pain that follows each visit. Was (is?) it better to have little or no contact?
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I'm not lodo, but I would say it depends on each of your goals..
if your goal is to move along with your lives through divorce, then band-aid off quick would seem to be best, (hard to do because we don't want to hurt those we care about do we?)
if your goal is to spend time together to see if changes made are enough to stay in a relationship with each other, then the pain may be worth the eventual pay-out.
But be clear and honest with yourself & your efforts in either case, as saying you are doing the 2nd but in reality just avoiding causing the pain of the first... then the eventual deception will cause more pain than the first one would have ever caused.
Does that make sense?
Last edited by Bridgestone; 06/23/0805:27 PM.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
It makes perfect sense, and I guess that's the one thing we've been both trying to figure out. Perhaps it's time that we have a heart to heart and figure out what our intentions really are... Thank you...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Bridgestone has given you some incredible advice. I would also recommend reading "Not Just Friends" by Glass. It's an excellent and well-researched look at the slippery slope towards infidelity that can happen to good people and even in good marriages.
You ask what I would have wanted and I'll be happy to tell you, but realize that each of our sitches is unique - there is no catch-all solution.
The first thing I would have wanted my W to do is be honest to herself and me at an earlier stage. Our M is as much her responsibility as it was mine, and if she was unhappy, she should have let me know the degree to which she was unhappy (i.e. "if this doesn't change soon I'm leaving").
I just posted a long post about my sitch on bridgestone's thread, but I wanted a realistic chance to work on M that involved W. That didn't mean we needed to spend every waking hour together, or even to live together. But I wanted a chance to work towards something new. As it turned out, the involvement of OM made that impossible. For 3 months I didn't even know about him and was going crazy trying to figure out why all my attempts to at least go for a walk together were being refused. I found out about him and my W was suddenly guilt-ridden and conflicted - this was the closest we got and the least amount of contact she had with OM. But the only way she'd approach things was to live together - she wouldn't go to MC and she wouldn't spend time together other than at the house. She slid back towards OM and eventually left, saying she "couldn't understand her feelings but couldn't deny them." I would have liked for her to at least have done some reading about what affairs do to one's state of mind so she could better evaluate the sitch we were in. As it was, she was incredibly conflicted - moving in and out of the house 4-5 times in one day. She hated that limbo so said D was the answer and she has stuck by that decision ever since, even though she now says she recognizes we connect on many levels and she misses the way we're able to communicate.
If you and your H love spending time together, than I think you have the the biggest part of the answer to your question. Much in life is transitory. If you can be with someone even in the midst of incredible pain and emotional upheaval and still enjoy their company, than I think it's at least putting some effort into figuring out if there is a way to make the marriage continue to work. The idea behind no contact is to see whether you miss someone or not.
I don't know if any of that helps, but I'd agree wholeheartedly with what Bridgestone wrote. And recognize that you didn't get to this position overnight. It won't fix itself quickly.
lodo, I completely understand what you said about wishing your wife had been honest with you earlier on. I myself wish this was something I had done - H even says if he had known about my feelings for OM when they first started he would have done anything to fix M. It could have saved so much pain, but I know in my case, it was a matter of pride. I couldn't admit to having inappropriate feelings because I was afraid it would make H look at me differently - up until then, I had been the ideal wife despite my unhappiness. I also didn't want to hurt him, because (believe it or not) women in general tend to want to look after everyone else's feelings first and put themselves last...
Like you said, each sitch is different. H does know about OM and current involvement. Yet he gave up almost instantly, even when I said I didn't know if I wanted to be with OM or not. His theory, I guess, is that if I had feelings for someone else, I didn't love him. No in-betweens, no gray area. That's just the way H's mind works. I also was the one who tried to initiate contact after moving out and he refused. I understand his pain and his hurt, but in essence I feel like he literally drove me further away...
Like you said, if we still enjoy spending time together, then maybe it is too soon to throw it all away. I also understand when you said that involvement with OM makes it nearly impossible to work toward reconciliation or something new. I guess I still have some soul-searching to do...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Are you sure he gave up instantly? Maybe he thought he should do the last resort technique - pull back and let you miss him once you were forced to rely on OM to meet all your emotional needs. I kept trying to do the same with my W and it worked a little bit, but I couldn't keep it up. I enjoy being with her too much. I guess if I was your H and you said you weren't sure about OM, I would have told you that we couldn't work on transforming our marriage with three people involved and I'd be prepared to work hard to make the M be supportive and fulfilling for both of us but there'd have to be no contact with OM. He didn't do anything like this at all? I can understand being hurt, but not doing ANYTHING isn't good.
My wife wrote me that part of the reason she never talked to me was because she was trying to figure out what she was missing from me that would make her interested in OM. Said she also felt confused because we were always discussing problems while everything with OM was new, exciting, and promising. She didn't want to admit the latter feelings were more compelling. Sounds like you might feel something similar?
You do have some thinking to do, but you aren't alone. You should do some reading, definitely counseling if you can, and keep posting to the people here - they have good insight.
H gave me an ultimatum - quit my job (since OM is a co-worker, although we don't have to see each other because we don't work in the same building) and have no contact with OM. If he hadn't told me to quit my job, I might have been more open to his ultimatum. I love my job and I have a lot of friends there; also, I make good money which would ultimately allow H to work less. When I couldn't say yes to his ultimatum in the 5-minute window he allowed me, he basically gave up. Yes, I know that if I really wanted to save my M, I would be willing to give up anything - even a job I love. Don't think I haven't thought about that, too...
As for the new, exciting and promising feelings of a relationship with OM - I don't necessarily know if that's true in my case. OM and I have been friends for over 3 years now and know pretty much everything about each other, so I clearly know what I would be getting either way. And I've always kept a partial lock on my emotions when it comes to OM because I know that I still love H and I don't want to confuse myself more until I know where things with M stand. I'm a big enough mess as it is!
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
