I only found 3 pages of your original sitch..is there more??
Unfortunately no, there was some big server crash or something way back then and most of my stuff from those days is gone...although truth be told it's simply a very classic, or "textbook," story of MLC, WAW, what-have-you...number two was somewhat different although the end result, obviously, was the same. If you look back at early 2007 you can probably get the basics of both.
By the way, I liked Ian's recommendation of what to say to your W next time that kind of discussion presents itself. The only other thing I would add is - when things like this come up, say the thing or things you need to (straightforward and with as much calmness as you can muster), and then zip it - I remember sooo many times that I would get into it and after 20-30 minutes realizing that we were just repeating the same things over and over after the initial part of the discussion/argument; you want to say what you need to, but also realize that there's a good chance she just won't get it, and repeating it or saying it louder won't change that. And I'll also repeat what I said in my initial post to you: she will say mean, vicious, sometimes downright vile things to you through out (as she obviously already has), since you KNOW this will happen use this knowledge to prepare yourself for it and do your best to let it go in one ear and out the other since she's not really rational or living in reality right now.
Keep up the good work dude - I know it's not easy...
Kev
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius
"God alone decides the contest; but we must put our shoulders to the wheel." -Adm. D.G. Farragut
Kevin-38; XW-36 M-2.5, together 4 Bomb-1/6/07; D-6/27/07
I only found 3 pages of your original sitch..is there more??
Unfortunately no, there was some big server crash or something way back then and most of my stuff from those days is gone...although truth be told it's simply a very classic, or "textbook," story of MLC, WAW, what-have-you...number two was somewhat different although the end result, obviously, was the same. If you look back at early 2007 you can probably get the basics of both.
By the way, I liked Ian's recommendation of what to say to your W next time that kind of discussion presents itself. The only other thing I would add is - when things like this come up, say the thing or things you need to (straightforward and with as much calmness as you can muster), and then zip it - I remember sooo many times that I would get into it and after 20-30 minutes realizing that we were just repeating the same things over and over after the initial part of the discussion/argument; you want to say what you need to, but also realize that there's a good chance she just won't get it, and repeating it or saying it louder won't change that. And I'll also repeat what I said in my initial post to you: she will say mean, vicious, sometimes downright vile things to you through out (as she obviously already has), since you KNOW this will happen use this knowledge to prepare yourself for it and do your best to let it go in one ear and out the other since she's not really rational or living in reality right now.
Keep up the good work dude - I know it's not easy...
Kev
Kev.
You're right. I know it's not easy. I did sling some stuff back last night and should not have but this is a trial by fire for all of us I think and there have been many calm times where I have thought about what I would say in certain situations and then all that just sort of flies out the window.
last night during her tirade and rewriting of history I can remember saying, "there you go again" a lot. When I said this she would stop dead in her tracks. it would shuut her up. She wants to be friendly and co-parent but does not "get" that I won't take a brow beating from a friend. I understand she wants out. I understand she wants me out of the house and I'm moving towards that as fast as I can. I understand she wants a D. She's getting what she wants. My whole problem with this process is the continued brow beatings she hands out. There's no need for that IMO. She's getting what she wants. You know all this..Hell you and Ian could write books about it I'm sure. This stuff is classic.
She's grieving now I think. It's something to see. She was letting the tears roll last night. I did not feel sorry for her. Looks like she may be going to where I've been the last month or so. To be honest, I don't think I was feeling anything for her. Contempt maybe?? I don't wish her harm or anything..I think I'm at a point where I just don't care much..if at all. You know what I'm saying?
This could be easier for both of us. Keep mouths shut and move forward...just gotta spew though. makes the future and dealing with her look a lot less rosy.
I'll do my best not to be baited again. Thanks for helping me. I'm going to read back some moreon your sitch. I take something from all I read.
You should not have to take a brow beating from her but saying "there you go again" was not the best responce and more than likely pissed her off more. You should just walk away when she starts in on you. You are trying to get out ASAP but until then I think not letting her goat you into these fights would be the best thing for both of you.
I understand that she is trying to blame you for everthing but as you have told me over and over you cannot control anything she does so you need to ignore all this stuff. Concentrate on you and avoid her at all cost.
I get the same anger and evil spew from my STXW. She blamed me for all of her pain, frustration, anxiety , anger, etc in the D process even though she was getting what she wanted.
It makes sense if you consider that the WAW blames you for every problem in there lives for the whole time that you were married (Mine has actually taken it back to before we met).
The D stuff has to be YOUR FAULT because everything else is. In my sitch she says: I lost weight (60Lbs) to make her look bad. I got more involved at church to make her look bad. I has very nice during the S to make her crazy (WHY WONT YOU GET MAD!!!). I do more of the houswork to make her look bad. I spent more time with kids to make her look bad. I helped the nieghbors ( the w is sick and the H is away on business alot) shovel snow/mow grass to make her look bad. All of my GAL activities are to make her look bad.
She takes everthing as competition and as a threat.
I came to the conclusion that she was mad that I was still breathing.
I get the same anger and evil spew from my STXW. She blamed me for all of her pain, frustration, anxiety , anger, etc in the D process even though she was getting what she wanted.
It makes sense if you consider that the WAW blames you for every problem in there lives for the whole time that you were married (Mine has actually taken it back to before we met).
yes mine dates it back to the day we stepped off the airpalne after our honeymoon. it's funny though, I have cards and poems and notes that date back to just before Sept. 07 that say I'm the greatest man "ever".
Quote:
I came to the conclusion that she was mad that I was still breathing.
Yes me too, I'm taking her space and sucking all the Oxygen out of the room.
I lost weight (60Lbs) to make her look bad. I got more involved at church to make her look bad. I has very nice during the S to make her crazy (WHY WONT YOU GET MAD!!!). I do more of the houswork to make her look bad. I spent more time with kids to make her look bad. I helped the nieghbors ( the w is sick and the H is away on business alot) shovel snow/mow grass to make her look bad. All of my GAL activities are to make her look bad.
Doesn't it feel good that you know that by working on yourself that you also get the added bonus of making her look bad? I guess those are good things you are doing...I'd say, "thanks for the compliments. It's your problem if you think it has anything to do with you. It has everything to do with the person I want to be (and you don't deserve)."
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
yes mine dates it back to the day we stepped off the airpalne after our honeymoon. it's funny though, I have cards and poems and notes that date back to just before Sept. 07 that say I'm the greatest man "ever".
Mike, if I could only tell you the number of times history gets rewritten. The number of cards I have read, and the number of times I was told it was always bad.
The thing is it is justification for them, not reality.
My STBX and I made love 2 days before she left me. We went away for a romatic weekend 2 weeks before she left me. My Fathers day card in June (Bomb in august) spoke of what a great dad I am, how she knows as long as she has me everthing will be ok.
Do not try and make sense out of it. It will only frustrate you and you will never see it as logical. A used car salesman never ever talks about the miles on the car, he never ever discusses the cigarette burn on the seat, and he never ever tells you how much life the car truly has left in it. If they did, would you really buy it?
It's a picture that they, as the artist, must paint to look the way they want it to look. The picture is sunny and bright for them. There are no rain clouds, no burnt grass, and no one is hurt in their picture. That is how they view their life picture. You and I look at it and we see sadness, hurt, pain, and bad decisions. Two people, one picture, very different views.
Quote:
Yes me too, I'm taking her space and sucking all the Oxygen out of the room.
She is not mad you are still breathing, quite the contrary. She is upset because she sees your breathing is slowed, hampered, labored. She knows that she is the cause of your lack of oxygen and feels nothing but guilt over it.
We get so wrapped up in all the crazy things they do that we forget that deep down inside they are still the people taht we married. They still have a conscience, they still have a heart, and they still love you. These three things can be a real bitch for them to function with considering the decisions they are making.
That is what is meant by lovingly detaching. Accepting and acknowledging that inside the shell is still the woman that has your heart. Once you are able to really grasp that, you will function much better. If you are lucky, one day the shell will crack and that person who made you feel so good about yourself, will come back.
yes mine dates it back to the day we stepped off the airpalne after our honeymoon. it's funny though, I have cards and poems and notes that date back to just before Sept. 07 that say I'm the greatest man "ever".
Mike, if I could only tell you the number of times history gets rewritten. The number of cards I have read, and the number of times I was told it was always bad.
The thing is it is justification for them, not reality.
My STBX and I made love 2 days before she left me. We went away for a romatic weekend 2 weeks before she left me. My Fathers day card in June (Bomb in august) spoke of what a great dad I am, how she knows as long as she has me everthing will be ok.
Do not try and make sense out of it. It will only frustrate you and you will never see it as logical. A used car salesman never ever talks about the miles on the car, he never ever discusses the cigarette burn on the seat, and he never ever tells you how much life the car truly has left in it. If they did, would you really buy it?
It's a picture that they, as the artist, must paint to look the way they want it to look. The picture is sunny and bright for them. There are no rain clouds, no burnt grass, and no one is hurt in their picture. That is how they view their life picture. You and I look at it and we see sadness, hurt, pain, and bad decisions. Two people, one picture, very different views.
Quote:
Yes me too, I'm taking her space and sucking all the Oxygen out of the room.
She is not mad you are still breathing, quite the contrary. She is upset because she sees your breathing is slowed, hampered, labored. She knows that she is the cause of your lack of oxygen and feels nothing but guilt over it.
We get so wrapped up in all the crazy things they do that we forget that deep down inside they are still the people taht we married. They still have a conscience, they still have a heart, and they still love you. These three things can be a real bitch for them to function with considering the decisions they are making.
That is what is meant by lovingly detaching. Accepting and acknowledging that inside the shell is still the woman that has your heart. Once you are able to really grasp that, you will function much better. If you are lucky, one day the shell will crack and that person who made you feel so good about yourself, will come back.
Ian
Like I said Ian..you could write a book. I'm really trying hard man and I'm making progress..I hope you can see it. You're helping me.
yes mine dates it back to the day we stepped off the airpalne after our honeymoon. it's funny though, I have cards and poems and notes that date back to just before Sept. 07 that say I'm the greatest man "ever".
Mike, if I could only tell you the number of times history gets rewritten. The number of cards I have read, and the number of times I was told it was always bad.
The thing is it is justification for them, not reality.
My STBX and I made love 2 days before she left me. We went away for a romatic weekend 2 weeks before she left me. My Fathers day card in June (Bomb in august) spoke of what a great dad I am, how she knows as long as she has me everthing will be ok.
Do not try and make sense out of it. It will only frustrate you and you will never see it as logical. A used car salesman never ever talks about the miles on the car, he never ever discusses the cigarette burn on the seat, and he never ever tells you how much life the car truly has left in it. If they did, would you really buy it?
It's a picture that they, as the artist, must paint to look the way they want it to look. The picture is sunny and bright for them. There are no rain clouds, no burnt grass, and no one is hurt in their picture. That is how they view their life picture. You and I look at it and we see sadness, hurt, pain, and bad decisions. Two people, one picture, very different views.
Quote:
Yes me too, I'm taking her space and sucking all the Oxygen out of the room.
She is not mad you are still breathing, quite the contrary. She is upset because she sees your breathing is slowed, hampered, labored. She knows that she is the cause of your lack of oxygen and feels nothing but guilt over it.
We get so wrapped up in all the crazy things they do that we forget that deep down inside they are still the people taht we married. They still have a conscience, they still have a heart, and they still love you. These three things can be a real bitch for them to function with considering the decisions they are making.
That is what is meant by lovingly detaching. Accepting and acknowledging that inside the shell is still the woman that has your heart. Once you are able to really grasp that, you will function much better. If you are lucky, one day the shell will crack and that person who made you feel so good about yourself, will come back.
Ian
(hi-jack)
Ian, I don't think anybody could have explained this whole WAS syndrom more clearly, then the way you just did. Mike and others have explained it and I understood it, but the clarity you have used is an eye opener.
