I'm not promising anything, but I do know that you have to get through WD before your marriage will have any chance.
I'm impatient by nature. I was hoping that once my WW agreed to NC that she would come around quickly. It's been almost 3 months and I'm just starting to see what I consider progress. Give it time. At least then you can say you made your decision from a clear frame of mind.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Hi, glad you opened up another thread. I promised I would tell you what I did that I haven't told anyone one else, so I will. It is only to try to show you that what they say about OM that prey on married women is true. As I told you before, I met my OM on line. I think I explained that it was a slow process of starting out playing games and chatting, etc. The flirting began and for the first time, I actually had sexual feelings stir within my body. It was very exciting to me and quickly became a drug like I had never known before. Not that I have used "drugs", but you know what I'm saying.
Finally, the game on line wasn't enough, even them being added to my "friend's IM list" wasn't quite enough, so I dared to go to an adult friend site to meet other men. Of course, it was just to "talk" and "flirt".....that was all. I thought flirting was the most fun I had had in years! But, it got to be more.
I told you about my H finding out and demanded I delete all of it and I did, including the account on the adult site. But somehow one of them found his way back when I was on line the next couple of nights, and I clung to him b/c I did not want to lose that contact. So, when my H found out about him......it threw the R with OM into a quick EA and I almost left my H for this OM. I told you all about my reasons for not leaving and how the OM even offered to help support me if I wanted to leave or he even said he would come get me to go live with him.
Okay, here's the thing. When I found this board and started seeking help, I was told the same thing that you were told and in fact I think I was given better advice than you. I was talked to very plainly and was told just what this OM was really like. Well, I didn't get rid of him right away and I would give him these little "tests", as I told you, and he would always come shining through. I was told to stop all contact and never try to contact him again or it would be so much worse if I did b/c the second time around would be harder......as you have found out. Well, I was even told that more than likely he had other women on line that he was stringing along just like he was me. I just could not believe it. Not him! He wasn't that way! I went four months barely hanging on without any contact, thinking that any day I would hit the "mark" and it would all be over and forgotten. However, as I explained before, I had the problem of fantasizing about him......that wouldn't go away.
Anyway, although I had deleted my account on that adult site, I just wanted to prove something to myself, so I go back on that adult site again and set up a new account for one thing and one thing only.......to see if he was still on there. So, I narrow the search down to the city where he lived and his age, etc. and start searching. I almost went to sleep looking and was just about to give up when guess who showed up? Yep! There he was.....his same piture and his same profile. And, guess what? The site tells you when his last visit was.......guess when he last visited? It was that very day! Why did I think he would stop communicating with other women even though he claimed he was in love with me and would wait forever.....no matter how long it took to be with me, yada, yada, yada. I honestly believed this man! I had been on line with him so much that I didn't think he had time for anyone else, but you know what? They can talk to more than one at a time! I had asked him if he had any other women in his life and the the way he put it, I had a funny feeling about it b/c he just said that he had a few friend on line he talked with, but nothing like what "we" had. So, you see, I backslid also. And it hurt so bad. That is the crazy thing about it. I was the one that was cutting him off and yet it hurt my pride and ego to discover that he never deleted his account with that adult site. BTW, I immediately delted my account b/c I had found out what I wanted to know.
I had wanted to ask him so many times if he deleted his account on that site after we met and he claimed he fell in love with me, but I didn't think I really had a "right" to ask him b/c I wasn't a free agent and he was. He was free to do whatever he wanted, but I was the one that was M.
Maybe this is not a big thing to you, but it was for me b/c it told me that everything I had been warned about was true. Even after I saw for myself, I tried to make excuses for him and told myself that I should not expect him not to try to find somebody after I told him good=bye.....but I was decieving myself. And honey that is what is happening to you. I learned the hard way that as long as I kept the fantasy alive for my OM that my feelings for my H could not be stirred up. I felt dead to him. I felt dead inside. The OM made me feel alive and sexy and beautiful......even at my age. Age doesn't stop you from wanting the same feelings you had at 20. That is just how he made me feel. I would did all sorts of things trying to look younger and prettier for him. I also acted younger and more energetic and it even showed in my face. My pastor even commented to me one day about how he wondered what was going on b/c I looked so much younger lately......and I wanted to fall through the floor. I thought, "If you only knew!"
I even made plans to meet my OM to have a PA! I had decided that I would never experience any sexual excitement with my H and I wanted to know what that was like before I died! But everytime we would make plans, I would end up backing out. But, when I found out that he never deleted himself from that adult site.....it kind of did something to me. I think I had to accept the truth about him.....even though my heart fought against it.
It was a year ago last Feb that everything hit the fan and it seems like decades ago. The process has been very slow and painful b/c my H seems to be satisfied to be where we are in the M and I ......well, I am doing better, but it is still hard at times and I can't say that I don't think about OM at times. I have been so tempted to contact him until I would hurt inside. But when I would try to picture us together apart from the sex....and try to see us together on a daily basis.....living together with the same old boring day to day things......I really had my doubts. How long would the chemistry last? I doubt it would have been very long, b/c it was my fantasy that made him who he was. Who was to say that if I left my H and my life as I know it here and went to live with OM that he would not have made my life a living hell on earth? B/c the truth is, I really did not know him! I wanted him to be what I wanted!
I have even gone back over my first few threads to read what the people told me when I first came on board. There was one in particular that knew exactly.....and it all came true.....even though I didn't want it to.
I am sitting here crying as I'm writing to you b/c I don't feel that I have told you any earth shattering news that has helped you and yet I want to help you so badly. I am so afraid for you. I had all the feelings that the WAW's describe. I could not stand to be in the same house with my H. He disgusted me. I did not want to hurt him, but I did not think I could ever have sex with him again, even if he tried. I was humiliated and shamed and embarrased b/c my personal messages to the OM had been discoverd and I felt raped. I know that is ironic, but when my H went through everything in my bedroom looking for clues, I felt invaded and I was furious. I think for months after that he may have looked to see if I was still sending any messages. I never knew how he was able to pull them up, but he figured out a way. I didn't know he knew that much about computers. He even had the man investigated on line.
I don't know......I am just ratteling and journaling. As I told you before, I feel that we are "sisters" in a way b/c we understand this "thing" we feel and are going through.
Am I happy? Some days I am. Then, some days, after all this time, I miss OM and want to talk to him b/c I know he would make me feel like a beautiufl princess. I miss the "drug". He made me feel so special. I feel the need more at night when it is time to go to bed b/c my H still does not sleep with me and I am so lonely. But, I know that it would have torn my family up...even though my kids are grown, etc. I would feel that I had to stay here b/c my mother is getting on in age and I would feel guilty about moving away from her. So, I chose to stay in the M. We may never be more than good companions b/c of health issues, now. But, I know my H loves me and I know he won't leave me if I get down and sick....and I didn't know that for sure about the OM. Even though he said all the right things......it was only words. I have a history with my H. I have known him since I was 15. That is a long time. I do love him without a fantasy made up. I love my family and they are worth more to me than a few moments or days or weeks of some sexual excitment. They are worth more than taking a gamble to wreck my marriage and go into a R that is so risky and not really "knowing" this OM and how it may be "afterwards". So, I am not sorry for my decision. I still have days that I have to "work" at it, but it is going to be okay. My H and I are going to be okay and grow older together. We have been togher a long time and I'm not going to leave him now.
I've got to stop.....I have rattled long enough. I wished I had the magic words for you sweetheart, but I don't. I just want you to know that I am here and I won't forsake you. You can talk to me and I will understand......if nobody else does, I will. Just keep posting. Everytime you feel your weakest, come here and post. Okay?
Take care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You do really understand my feelings, and that helps me so much. You didn't ever get to the PA like me and have day to day contact like I did, but you do get the idea of the feelings and fantasy that I am involved in. This OM became my boyfriend and he would say things like: "I'd treat you like a queen", "I'd make you so happy", "I want you as my wife", "I want you to have my baby", on top of all the many complimentary things he says. I really do feel he means them all, and I do feel that we would be happy, but long term is where I am unsure. If H and I had more of an intimate relationship, and if we could only laugh together, we would have it all. Can you be happy in a life where there is little or no passion/intimacy feelings and no laughter? We respect each other, but even before marriage, we didn't have "fun" together.
My guess is that we can fix those things, it will just take work and time and me not contacting the OM. So, time it will be. If anyone things those things are unfixable, let me know now.....I don't want to do all of this for nothing.
whatdidido: My guess is that we can fix those things, it will just take work and time and me not contacting the OM. So, time it will be. If anyone thinks those things are unfixable, let me know now.....I don't want to do all of this for nothing.
Hey whatdidido, you know there are no guarantees in life. I've heard you post this more than once, "I don't want to do this for nothing" Do what you feel is right, do your best, I praying for you, I hope you get a sign that gives you more clarity in your life. Good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
We all have a long haul ahead of us, good or bad it's the path we choose in life that's important.
M45 W41 M10 3/4 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 Date I'll forgive W for A = never
I can only tell you from my side of things...working on yourself and working for your R, regardless of the outcome, will make you a strong person. So this whole mess will not be for nothing.
What I want to know is that my marriage meant something and wasn't just a way for H to pass the time until something better came along. I am sure your H has similiar feelings. Please don't give up because of the way you feel now, it will get better, I promise.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
This OM became my boyfriend and he would say things like: "I'd treat you like a queen", "I'd make you so happy", "I want you as my wife", "I want you to have my baby", on top of all the many complimentary things he says. I really do feel he means them all, and I do feel that we would be happy, but long term is where I am unsure. If H and I had more of an intimate relationship, and if we could only laugh together, we would have it all. Can you be happy in a life where there is little or no passion/intimacy feelings and no laughter? We respect each other, but even before marriage, we didn't have "fun" together.
My guess is that we can fix those things, it will just take work and time and me not contacting the OM. So, time it will be. If anyone things those things are unfixable, let me know now.....I don't want to do all of this for nothing.
WDID, Like I've said before, I really don't know you or your H and your sitch other than what you've said here, but I wanted to reply to the thinks your OM told you.
I've been very close to two instances of infidelity. Both my WW and my very good friend Deb. And I can tell you that both of their OM's said the exact same things to them. Deb's OM told her "I'd treat you like a queen" (exactly the same as your sitch). My WW's OM told her "I can make you happy forever" and "Why couldn't we have met a long time ago", etc, etc.
But you know what? If both of these OM really felt that way, why did they move on so quickly? In my sitch, when OM moved away from our town to his new location ~250 miles away, I'm almost 100% sure he found a new GF within 3 months. So not only was he cheating on his wife with my wife, but he was cheating on his mistress with a new OW all the while telling my WW that "we'll be together forever", blah, blah, blah. In fact, one weekend he told WW he was going home (he lives 1000 miles from his wife and kids) to discuss divorce with his wife so WW and he could be together after she divorced me. WW sent him a text asking how their talk went and he told her that his wife and kids had gone out to dinner without him so he didn't have a chance to talk to her, but he would the next day and let her know "how to proceed". Don't know what lie he told WW the next day, but a couple weeks later when I first talked to OMW, she told me he wasn't even home that weekend.
See, OP's are very good at telling you EXACTLY what you want to hear. Heck, they might even believe it when they say it, but I would guess most times they are just so caught up in the fantasy of it all that they'll say whatever they can to keep it going. But when reality hits, they're gone.
Can you have that intmacy with your H? Maybe yes, maybe no. But you'll never know until you get through your WD from OM and give your M a real chance.
In the end maybe your marriage won't make it. But at least you will make the decision without the OM clouding the picture.
TIME, TIME, PATIENCE, PATIENCE
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Jeff, Kat, and h4u, thank you. Ok, just keep trudging along here. Hope, I was reading a lot of your threads. I want to thank you for sharing your story because I see more of my H's side as he goes through this with me. I see how he may be feeling as we work on this. He doesn't share his feelings so much, and really focuses his energy on me and how to help us, but I'm sure he has the anger that you have as well. It's a good reminder for me to hear this. It keeps me grounded a bit.
Patience, time, time, time, time, patience, determination, time, time, time, ........
