Women want to buy ourselves fun sexy costumes (such as a belly dancing costume) but we never do because it seems like a waste of money. But if our MAN buys it for us, its just that much more fun. You can find belly dance costumes that have a sheer vail the covers the tummy so that you dont' have to have it fully visible. And make sure to find a beautiful sparkly rhinestone clip or comb for her lucious mane of hair!
Also since you brought up the hair...another idea is to ask her to have seductive photos of herself done for you, where she is naked, sitting on her knees, but has her hair pulled forward covering everything save for just a glimpse. I have long hair so sometimes I just come in the room with no top on but my hair laying over my breasts. He loves it! I bet you do, too. And the thing is, when she has the "permission" to get tastefully done nude photos of herself FOR YOU she will feel really sexy both getting them done and also when she gives them to you.
One more point (this is kind of for any guy who is thinking of the strip present)...sometimes the clothes you want to buy for her and want to see on her aren't going to fit her right. There's no way for her or you to know if it will or not without her trying it on. So instead of picking something by yourself, you can give her a gift card for the stripper store (or the belly dance store, whatever)....OR you can take her shopping there yourself where she can go in and try on everything and pick what fits her best. Remembering though that you want to pick the "type" of outfit you "like on strippers", because otherwise she is going to pick what she thinks you like, not what you really like.
Silly - do you get *any* for sure sex ever? Such as birthday or anniversary sex? Or even if you don't, can't you tell her that your one and only wish on your birthday is this? If you can get her to do it once successfully, she will really dig it.
Nope. Nothing is ever certain. And the truth is, occasions and gifts are a lot more important to me than they are to her. I get pretty worked up over surprises and gifts and celebrations, and she's just not that into it. She thinks I'm hard to buy for, and I guess I am--I like weird stuff. One change I've made lately is actually to keep a "wish list" tab on the computer. When I see neat stuff I don't want to buy for myself right now, I add it to the list. Anyway, I've suggested several times that she forget presents altogether and come to bed wearing a ribbon, but most of the time she hasn't been willing to do that. She laughed and said it was a good idea, but either she was laughing it off or she chickened out when the time came.
The truth, if I'm honest, is that I'm not going to put in that much effort to get a striptease. It's just not that high on my list. If you told me it was going to make a big difference to her, maybe. But not for me.
Hey guys...I thought of a short and quick version of the "strip for me" thing...this one can work wonders sometimes! You may be very surprised.
Some time when your woman is standing in front of you, kids are not around (not in the same room at least), not in front of a window, wife is not doing a chore just standing there across a room...
Give her that "I'm looking straight through your clothes" look, and then out of the blue just say "flash me". Say it in a kind of commanding way. Say it as if you can boss her around. Look expectant as if you expect her to do it.
She will likely blush, squirm, sheepishly smile, but then she will probably look both ways and make sure no one is around, and then do it. After she does, just sigh and smile like she just did you a big favor and say "mmmmm baby".
Then leave it at that. Its not meant to lead to sex. Its meant to get you both being more brave than you are used to. Things like this make a woman feel very sexy....
Hmmm...I was going to write a bit about my own sexuality following up on Bagheera's thread and what I alluded to over there...but then he made another comment making me think it may be risky to even put it out here...er um...I will have to ponder on it...
Hmmm...I was going to write a bit about my own sexuality following up on Bagheera's thread and what I alluded to over there...but then he made another comment making me think it may be risky to even put it out here...er um...I will have to ponder on it...
Relax girl, and share whatever you like. I was only trying to make sure that Ali didn't feel pushed into sharing something she really didn't want to. Read the context.
Plus that, it was a compliment to the both of you. Look how far you've both come!
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Yes Baggy...it is a compliment in many ways. I have come such a long way and Ali - well she sounds like she is doing just GREAT.
Well ok, here it is...new topic titled:
WHY I AM DIFFERENT THAN MOST PEOPLE
First I have to request in advance that if any of you are Christians, please don't bring that to the table here on my thread, ok? I have respect for everyone and I respect the views of Christians, but this one could go sour fast if anyone tries to tell me I am a sinner for being who I am. (You can think it all you want, of course. Just don't try to debate it with me here, please).
OK why am I different than most people? Because I am bi-sexual.
I wish that was a simple thing to be. But it is not.
Given how confusing sexuality is to even the straightest person, well, times that by a thousand and that's where you are if you are bi-sexual. Actually being gay is less confusing than being bi.
I have known I am bi-sexual since I was a very young child. It caused more than a little bit of problems for me.
It has caused problems in nearly all of my relationships as well. There is so little good information out there for bi-sexual people or for the people who love them.
Gay people don't really relate to you because they feel you are at least half-way for the other team and they don't respect the other team (being that most gay people feel oppressed by the straight community).
Straight people usually think that if a woman is bi-sexual, that just means she will "do anyone" and that she must "dig threesomes". The male fantasy of having two women at the same time has bled into the collective consciousness of what a bi-sexual woman is. Which is really sad.
So to clear things up - I do NOT want group sex of any kind. And I will NOT just "do anyone". IE: bi-sexual does not mean hyper-sexual.
I have very feminine looks and curves, but I have a very androgenous overall feel, thoughts, tastes, personality, etc. This is why I can relate to men so well, or at least part of the reason why.
For instance, I totally get why boobs are so great and why men love them. I love them, too. I mean I really GET it...whereas most straight girls can kind of get it, but they don't have desire for it themselves so there is a part missing in their "getting it".
Anyway...on with it...
My sexual archetype has been a jumble of confusion for so long. My poor ex-h really didnt have a chance with me when I really look back at things. He was so patient but...well it is really going to take a *different* kind of person to be able to be with me.
In my current relationship, my bi-sexuality really frightened my fiance at first. He had some past baggage having to do with what he called some "bi-sexual" women...but when I heard more of the details of those situations, I don't think they were bi women at all. But regardless, his past fears were brought up the moment I told him straight out that I am bi-sexual.
We have worked through it for the most part. He fully trusts me now on all levels and he finally now loves me for who I am, including the bi-sexual side of myself. This has taken us quite some time, patience, talking, etc. I have come to expect it from any partner: that they will immediately be threatened by my sexuality. Which is so sad, because it means they are threatened by who I am. This hurts of course, but I have learned to see things from their side. I have had to kind of create for myself "gay glasses" and "straight glasses", so I can try to view myself from those other glasses and see why people are threatened.
Back to the archetype...for the most part, if you are straight, at least the world will kind of validate you one way or another. "Nice girls don't" at least puts you in a category of "nice girl". At least its "nice".
If you are bi-sexual, you learn pretty quickly that you are put in a deviant category at best, or a "you must want to do anyone, you skank" at worst. This is a very harsh message to come into a young girl's mind, and definitely doesn't make you feel "nice".
You find no one that can understand the thoughts you are having. Whereas straight people can always find someone to talk to if they try.
I attempted to explore my sexuality, like most teens do. But I was quickly shot down and pushed into a corner (figuratively).
I stayed in the corner for many years. I basically had to just pull myself up by my bootstraps one day and say "hey DQ, you know what you are, now go and find out how to express it". My feeble attempts after that point were slightly satisfying, but mostly just sad and pathetic.
Finally I had a long term relationship with a woman. And during that relationship I finally learned so much more about myself. I have tried very hard since then to really embrace myself and not hide from who I am. And not to listen to the messages that I am either a skank or a deviant or (to the gay community) a "breeder who goes both ways". It has been a long road.
So Baggy, as far as being a switch, well the gay community would call me a switch-hitter. In BDSM/gay terms, I would be a top femme or a bottom femme, ie: swithc, but never a butch top or bottom. In straight BDSM terms I am not definable, for various reasons.
My man is totally straight, just to keep that clear.
In my preferences, I prefer very masculine, big men, and feminine women. But...well, I have some weirdnesses.
For instance, I first saw Rocky Horror Picture Show at the very impressionable age of 13. I was getting in touch with what bi-sexual meant at that point, and that was the ONLY movie or other media image or message I had ever seen that included any aspect of bi-sexuality at that point. Of course it also included the aspects of group sex, passing partners around, rape (or heavily coerced/forced sex), and general weirdness and monsters and aliens...so what did this say about ME?
Hopefully you can get an idea of how confused I was. Poor little kid I was, I'm telling you. It was a strange life.
Anyway, Rocky Horror really influenced me, and at this time, I can't help but be totally attracted to basically everyone in that movie. Frank N. Furter totally turns me on. But so does Janet. And also the weird brother/sister people (what sickos, but kinda cool). And Meatloaf. And Brad. The only cast member that didn't do much for me was the professor in the wheelchair, but when he spontaneously had women's shoes and stockings on in the end, that part intriuged me too.
In the gay community they call it Gender F*ck, when people are messing around with their own gender (either by dress up or other ways). But they reserve it for themselves, and straight or bi people are not really seen as being valid when they attempt something similar.
So even when my sexuality laid dormant for years and years, I at least read everything I could and stayed on top of trying to know or understand gay/straight/bi issues. This is why I am so inexperienced in practice, by very knowledgable nonetheless.
Anyway...there's the beginning of my opening that door...there is obviously much more to it.
At least I am no longer afraid to say that I am bi-sexual out loud. My mom knows, my kids know, my man knows, so who else would I worry about knowing.
Cheers and feel free to ask questions, and I will eventually be back with more.
Dance - I will say this again... You are a one-of-a-kind lady. Many people go through life without really looking at themselves and truly knowing who they are. You not only know who you are but have the confidence to be yourself and also have the courage to let others know who you are too. It is very admirable to have the introspective quality that you have now reached in your life. All of your hard work to get there has paid off and your life will just keep getting better from now on.
You truly are an inspiration demonstrating that happiness comes from within and then is reflected back to you by others. Never stop growing, never stop learning that is what you have taught me. Thank you for sharing with us all.
But I never ever got to just be home with my baby as I was the main breadwinner, and for this I was always feeling envious of those stay-home moms.
HOWEVER Cinco...even if I was a SAHM mom, I can't say for sure if I would have been good to him because of it or not. I was really pretty crappy to him in general, so I don't really know. I *felt* it was because he was letting me down was the reason I didn't step up more as a wife...but maybe I was just young, dumb and stubborn and I wouldn't have been good to him at all?
(actually I know that I would have definitely been BETTER to him)...
- This comment seems pretty telling to me. Especially that last line. Twinges with a certain distinct guilt. A familiar example of lack of respect fueld by a sense of entitlement.
Did you ever cheat? Honestly? It's okay, this BB is anonymous. Perhaps a moment with a strong M co-worker? Business trip? Not even a slip? Surely a temptation. No biggie ... most Fs are hard pressed to be 100% candid in such a pickle. If not, you are a better "in control" F than many.
Funny how times have changed to in that the old TV white bread 50s sitcoms always depicted the F complaining how her M doesn't appreciate her house frrau efforts ... always just putting down his briefcase and griping about dinner not being ready while he slaves away all day for the man in order to support the family. (Yikes, and forget about the added rumors about fellow executives involvement with the secretairial pool...)
Hmmm, flip. Fast forward to, gasp, 2008. W is the breadwinner, H tries to manage by taking on a supportive and not quite 'leading by strength' role as she so requires. "Gee, he's always there for me but I just don't feel it for him anymore."
Down crashes what she perceives to be her passion ideal -- being taken hard, being possessed ... feeling, ah, yes, the oh so important feeling, of raw spontaneous passion -- which is directly linked to the feeling of being 'not in control. The Passion Paradox. When you are so sure of your partner's love you find your passion fades ... gone is the challenge, the mystery, the feeling of not being in control.
IMO you still seem to be idgited by feelings of guilt over bailing on the ex Dq ... understandable. But forgive me for speculating, I am not versed on your R history in terms of who bailed when and why.
Many have said it on this board over the years. Sex is not the issue. Never is. Sex is the symptom. In this case, seems like a lack of respect ... hence lack of attraction.
LTRs/Ms always seem to balance dangerously on this precarious feelings-driven razor's edge. why over 70% of Ds are filed by Ws probably IMO ... we males, for the most part, aren't driven by feelings ... our word and our loyalty is our bond -- at least in the mature ones ... the alpha kings/not immature princes who can't seem to control their penile turgidity.
I don't know what to make of your bisexuality. I would suspect you might be a dopamine junkie ... mixed with some oxytocin, vasopressin ... seeking out the buzz of novelty or "new feelings." Nothing wrong with it per se. It is what it is. We are all wired up differently chemically.
But the Fs I've run across who are omnisexual all seem to share one thing: a completely external locus of feelings-driven control. Chasing the dragon. Happiness is always "out there," so to speak. The hardness and musk of a man, the soft breasts and lips of a woman. So much to choose, so little time.
IMO a lot of the problems I've seen over the years on SSM spring from OP who give his/her power away to the external "needs" instead of pulling it all in and making decisions from an internal locus of control/frame of reference ... ie, sex is a part of me ... sex does not define my greater level of happiness.
Answer? Shrug.
A good place to start: Who is the one person in this world who both represents the greatest joy in my life as well as the deepest pain?
LTRs/Ms IMO are not to be parsed into sex/no sex, highs/lows, good times/bad times ad infinitum.
A great LTR/M is a wheel with equal spokes: Sex, Companionship, Friendship, finances, Children, Shared Dreams ... I don't believe the frequency of sexual contact should trump all other spokes. It all boils down to the center of the wheel. And what might that be?
Commitment to your lover for the long haul. No matter what life throws at you.
Slash the wrists and mix our blood. (An obvious male contrivance. No F would ever come up with that in a million years. Ewww! Grody!)
If you don't have that as your bond for life then don't remain in your LTR or M and don't seek another one out until you can believe in full -- "there's no turning back. I'm with him/her for good."
Yeah, I know, easier said than done. Pffft.
(No wonder gorilas have it so easy. The males are 800+ lbs with 3 inch penises. The average sexual encounter is mere seconds followed by a driving off of the female. Go ahead. Put a human M and F in a cage and stare at them for years wondering why they don't breed. The males always scared they don't measure up even though humans have the largest genital to size ratio in the mammal kingdom and plenty to spare for sexual pleasure; the females always worrying about "not feeling it for him anymore." Sheeesh. We're doomed.)
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
I think you're selling the woman short. She's wrestled with her demons, she's gone through the pain, she's recognized her past mistakes and has learned from them. The only reason she's here on this board at all is to help others to do better than she did (without help, I would add).
She has wedding bells on her horizon again, and I wish her all the best with it -- she deserves another shot at relationship happiness. I think that this time around, when the infatuation stage of the relationship wears off, and it eventually will, that she's knowledgeable enough and determined enough to keep the passion alive for the long haul.
I wish her the best and honestly don't care what her base-line sexual orientation is. She's committed, period.
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
