Actually, I do plan to come and create a sort of sex blog with musings, essays, general discussion (if anyone wants to join in), etc.
I've been on a long journey, and I now am realizing that I have landed in a place that is better off than most people - as far as amazing sex lives go. I've gone from the worst, to the best sex life of anyone I know (or anyone I've ever read about).
I know that this part of the forum has less traffic than others. I also know that sex-starved people may or may not appreciate hearing from me, being that I've got it going on really good....but I don't mean to be rubbing anyone's nose in anything. I really just want to let it all out for myself, for one thing, and offer support, guidance or suggestions for others.
I want to be an example of hope. I USED TO BE SEX-STARVED!!! I overcame it! Maybe you can, too?
And when I say I used to be sex-starved, I am referring in general to my marriage (of which I am divorced from now)...but more importantly, I was sex starved as an INDIVIDUAL. It was me with the problem all along...although when you don't know its a problem, then its even more of a problem.
So anyway, I will come back and add things now and then to this thread. Anyone is welcome to chat with me if they want to, here. Or if you want to chat about your sitch with me, let me know where your thread is. I'll try to keep this thread mostly about general sex topics and my ideas, opinions, etc, and that way I won't litter other people's threads with my musings.
This is just musings...most people have thought about this before or have read similar in books, etc...nothing new from me, just my twist on it.
Men: The way to an O is obvious, easy, nearly any man can figure out how to do it during their childhood (by themself obviously). The O, to a young man, seems to be an end in and of itself. He has O's just for the sake of having O's. Other men in the young man's life will guide him about things like porn (ie: masterbation aides). They will help the young man feel that it is normal and natural to want O's, and that viewing the female body makes O's even better. As a young man, you are encouraged to look at porn and women's bodies by older men in your life and by society and friends, even while you are shamed for it by your mother.
When the young man grows up a bit and becomes sexually active, then he has to find out the sad news that it doesn't work the same way for women. He realizes then and there that she doesn't have O's like he does. He can't even really figure out how she has an O at all, because she only has this tiny, sometimes hidden area, that has to be stimulated by a magical formula in order for her to have an O. Or in some cases, a young man doesn't even know about that tiny hidden place at all, and he mistakenly believes that maybe she can have an O just by him "sticking it in her". This just leads then to more confusion, mis-information, etc. As a man matures and ages, HOPEFULLY he comes across honest and patient female lovers along his path, who show him how women's bodies work and hopefully she HONESTLY has orgasms with him, versus faking them. Many men are seriously damaged for life and don't even know it, because women in their younger days faked orgasms with them, thereby robbing the men of the opportunity to learn how to TRULY give a woman an O.
WOMEN: The way to an O is tricky, fussy, elusive, and never "easy". There are some exceptions to this - women who easily have them and always have - but for the most part, young girls can't really figure out how to have an O by themselves. They do feel the urge for one, and they feel "good" when they begin reaching for the right area and fondling themselves. But usually this just leads to frustration, not release. Having an O for a young girl is very difficult, even while it is something that eeks you toward it. You simply have no idea what you are being urged toward, because the goal eludes you for many many years.
At the same time, as a young woman, no one in your life comes to help you out with figuring this out. No one gives you "masterbation aides" and encourages you to get your rocks off. No one makes you feel it is normal and natural to want to have an O, or even for you to acknowledge these urges in your body, nor even to explain to the young girl that an O even exists! All you usually hear is that you aren't supposed to touch yourself nor let a boy touch you, wait until you are older, dont be a bad girl.
Finally at some point, most girls do figure out how to give themselves an O. For some women, this doesn't happen until they are sexually active and a partner helps them figure it out. For others, they finally start talking to friends and getting tips. For others, it happens by itself one day and they figure it out after that.
The clitoral orgasm is not something that is just "easy" for a woman to figure out for herself, unlike men.
THE PROBLEM: IMO, there is a huge problem in this world in sex education. We basically leave it up to our kids to figure it out for themselves and to teach each other. Does anyone remember ever hearing in sex ed any kind of acknowledgement that sexual stimulation causes PLEASURE? Its like, they want to teach kids how babies are born, how STD's are transmitted, and what not to do until they are married. But they give them absolutely no tools on how to handle the DESIRE and URGES they feel within their bodies.
I know that some sex ed programs are trying to advocate masterbation. But - what does that mean to a young girl who is unable to figure out how to have an orgasm - which is probably 90% of them? Masterbation to a young girl in that situation is simply frustrating, not pleasurable. For boys, it is assumed that the boys know it is pleasurable and silently, everyone just lets them have their fun behind closed doors. For girls, it is a confusing nightmare. She is never told this is supposed to feel good nor that there is a release that occurs for her, too. She learns about ejaculation in men in sex ed, but not her own release. It is never mentioned that girls also can have an orgasm. WTF? What kind of education is this?
Given that we do such a poor job teaching young people about sex ed, and then they fumble between the sexes to figure the rest out, and there is no *real* education given about technique and skill and *why* a woman's body works the way it does...what do we expect except generation after generation of sex problems between men and women.
Just my thoughts! I handled this above conundrum the only way I could: by teaching my children that sex feels GOOD and that it is one of the best things in life! I taught them this since they were very young and always made sure they understood that PLEASURE and CONNECTION is the actual reason why people have sex and why it is good. The clinical, baby making reasons for having sex make NO SENSE to a child. But hearing that sex is pleasurable and is something for them to look forward to, makes them into better adults eventually. My kids are both grown now. This is one of the ways I actually succeeded in my life. I failed at so many other things...but I succeeed at making my children have healthy sex lives.
I was lucky enough as a teen to have a two different friends with detailed sex ed books. One friend's parents had "The Joy of Sex" and for a clueless teen it was great. It showed how to please a woman and gave many other great tips for being a good lover. Plus it's illustrated very well too.
My other friend's parents actually *gave* him a book on sex ed. I don't remember what the title was now. It was much older than "Joy" (1950's?) but it did include enough to get a good idea about what to do to stimulate a woman. It even made a point about how important clitoral stimulation is. The surprising thing, this friend is a Baptist. I guess his folks wanted to make sure he knew what to do on his wedding night.
If it wasn't for those two books I would have had to fumble my way to figuring out what to do to please a woman. I did get the condom lecture from mom and my two big sisters and I was using those before it was even cool. You had to ask for them from the drug store back then, they kept them behind the counter.
For kids today with the internet, it is so easy to find info, it's a whole different world. I've even learned a few new things I wouldn't have thought of on my own.
Fascinating to hear about others' experience, Cinco! Thank you. Yes, you were a very lucky young man to have ANY guidance about a woman's body. Most young men literally have no clue, and its not even their fault...most would happily learn if given the information!
When my oldest son was about getting interested in sex I gave him back issues to Playboy, and bought the Joy of Sex book for him. He established a lending library for all his friends. I only remember one of his friends' mothers complaining that her son had found sex info at my house. That was the mother who allowed my son to watch R rated scary movies that gave him nightmares. I explained that I thought sex was natural and real, and was better to expose the boys to than fantasy scary movies.
After living through an SSM myself and helping several friends through it as well, plus reading and researching the issue for many years...I have come up with the obvious solution: don't marry someone who has a different sex/desire level than you do!
DUH!
OK, I'm being silly here. But also serious.
So many people (including myself) just think that the sex will "work itself out" and while they are engaged, they already know there is a problem, but again, they just assume it will "work itself out". How naive is this? Why would it just "work itself out"? There is no reason it should, and we don't have any evidence that its going to.
Love is not enough. So many people don't understand what this means. They meet and fall in love and assume because they love each other that marriage is the obvious next step. OK yeah, there is a little problem in the sex department, but it will work itself out. We love each other, therefore that should be enough.
Love is never enough!
If only I could have understood what that really means.
Now I know there are many couples who my "obvious solution" doesn't apply to, such as:
...Couples who did have great and frequent sex and both wanted it equally in the beginning, but then something changed for one or both partners that caused the SSM later.
...When there is an MLC involved, this kind of thing can't be forseen.
...SSM's due to tragedy, illness, disability...this kind of thing can't be forseen either.
...Marriages where one of the partners is hiding their true sex drive from the other for some reason, or in any way "duping" one of the partners.
But beyond the above types of couples and a few others I didn't mention, there really are couples who know before they get married that their sex drives aren't matched up and yet they get married anyway. It is THOSE couples who maybe could have been saved by an intervention of sorts...
How can we intervene?
This is something hopefully others can share in but to me it seems that there needs to be MARRIAGE EDUCATION somewhere in our socitety. Maybe as a required college course? People need to be educated before they get married about what really causes divorce. Churches try to do pre-marriage counseling but it doesn't seem to be that effective. I think we need to get ahold of people who aren't even necessarily engaged or in a relationship yet - and educate them. Because the person who is already engaged cannot really *see* the truth out there. But people who are not in a relationship are truly interested in learning. How can we reach young people and tell them before they meet someone the ugly facts about divorce?
We need preventative divorce training, for all young people. If they could receive this training, then when they did meet someone and fall in love, if they then found there is a large difference in sex drive, they could call back on their training and realize "oh, I better not move toward marriage with this person without figuring out this problem first".
If all the HD people could be married to HD people, and all the LD people could be married to LD people...wouldn't we be happily married?
Just add those extra points of compatibility to those matchmaker web sites and increase the odds of HD/HD and LD/LD matches. I guess the only drawback is lots of guys would be left out in the cold, so to speak, since there is a higher percentage of HD guys than HD gals. I've seen the rough estimate as something like 80% HD men vs. 40% HD women.
Hmmm, that's 50% more HD men than HD women. Does that explain the 50% divorce rate?
The real solution still seems to be a different approach to sex ed for the gals to become comfortable with their sexuality and for the guys to become better, caring lovers.
While I totally agree that both young men and women need better sex education, and that would definitely cause *better* sex to be had amongst those youngsters as they grow and enter into meaningful relationships...however, I don't think that would do anything to change their desire level. People with low desire are frequently very good lovers, and people with high desire are NOT necessarily good lovers. The quality of sex is a different problem between couples, I believe, and is usually much easier to deal with as long as the frequency is agreed upon.
Another quick twist...I haven't read any statistics about this, but I do talk to lots of people and read lots of message boards, and I am seeing more and more, women who are HD together with men who are LD. Now, I would have assumed that your stats quoted above were the norm, that men are way more likely to be HD. But ... I think that is changing for many reasons. Women are more liberated, (duh), and the overtly sexual nature of the media and music and fashion is causing younger and younger girls to really want good sex (or to be slutty, depending on how you look at it). More of them are easy going about porn and want to "be" that girl in the porn movies in bed with their men. So I assume all of these things are contributing to more and more young women coming into adulthood ready and willing to get it on, and I mean get it on "good", not just lay there and wait for it to be over.
I have had many female friends in their 20's complaining that their man talks big but when it comes to the bedroom, he just isn't all that into it. Backlash? Does he not really want to have sex with her unless he has to coerce it out of her? Is continuous overt sexuality from a woman a turn off to a man? I know you, Cinco, and most men literally can't imagine any healthy man turning down sex with his beautiful, young, willing partner. But you'll just have to take my word for it - this happens over and over. And women are just as crushed by the rejection as men are. It kills them inside.
Common wisdom used to be that if a man didn't want sex, it was because:
A. He is getting it elsewhere.
B. He is gay.
C. Either A. or B. and there is no other reason.
This is short-sighted and silly. Until you hear first hand the stories of HD women with LD men, you won't believe it yourself... but it is way more common than you might think.
