I am a WAW, but do I really want to be?

[lost3031]

First off, I posted this in the newcomers section because I am new here and didn't really know where to post, so I apologize to anyone who may get annoyed that it is posted twice!

My situation is not unique, and it certainly isn't any easier than anyone else's, but I'm hoping that someone can give me some insight because it sounds like there is a lot of experience on these boards! I've been married for almost 10 years. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I was 15 years old when we started dating, and 19 years old when we married. He's a good man, strong of heart and extremely loyal, my best friend. The only thing that he did wrong was not be there. For the past 12 years, he's worked an average of 75-80 hours per week, usually 7 days a week. As you can imagine, it gets lonely to be left on your own for so long. I love him, have always loved him, yet I always felt as if his work was so much more important than me. His neglect hurt me every day, until one day 2 years ago, I went into an emotional shutdown. It was easier than dealing with the pain and loneliness I felt every day.

Three and a half years ago I took a new job which has really helped me be a stronger person, more outgoing and much more independent. Unfortunately, it also brought another man into my life. We've been friends from the moment we first met, and I knew from the first time I saw him that one day I was going to be in the situation I am in. For three years we were just friends, but a few months ago I told him for the first time about my emotional shutdown with my husband. As you can probably imagine, that eventually led us both to admit that we had feelings beyond friendship for each other.

I am a WAW of nearly 4 months now. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I expected my husband to put up a fight, but he never went out of his way to do anything to convince me to stay. He said he didn't want me to leave and that he would do anything to fix things (meaning he would work less) - but I had heard that so many times over the years and, being in that numb state, I didn't believe him this time either. I told him there was someone else that I was confused about and that I needed time to think. He let me go.

For four months, the OM has been actively fighting for me while my husband firmly states that because he is my husband, he doesn't have to fight for me - I should just want to be with him. Am I wrong in wanting him to fight for me? Am I wrong in thinking that he should want to prove to me that he's the man for me?
The OM is in it for the long haul. He's mentioned things he wants to do with me next year, he's been patient with me as far as my feelings for my husband go, and he's even told me that if I go back to my husband, he'll always be my friend even though it will kill him to let me go.

My husband asked me to file the divorce papers even though he didn't want to get a divorce. I filed them, even though I'm still not sure I want a divorce. I don't know if I still want to be with my husband or if I'm just having second thoughts because I've lived half my life with him and am scared to try something new. I'm doing fine on my own, but I do miss him - we've been best friends (besides spouses) for so long that it seems weird without him.

If anyone has been through something like this and can offer some clarity, I sure would appreciate it because, as you can probably tell from this post, I am an emotional basket case...

[cz946]

Hi Lost3031, Your situation sounds alot like mine, except I am the H. My wife's reason for walking away sounds very similar, except I am not aware of her having a male friend, but tend to think there may be one. Separated 5/6/08.

The only difference is that I am willing to do anything to save my marriage, but she keeps saying its to late. I feel really bad that I didn't meet her emotinal needs. I have learned alot over the past several months, through books, online, and couseling. If I would have worked as hard for the last 12 years as I have in the past 3 months, I would never have found this site.

She is not willing to work on the marriage at all. She says she is moving on. What did your H do to make you have second thoughts. What could he do to win you back. Do you have any advise for me?

As far as your H, saying he doesn't have to fight for you. I disagree with that. His thinking is exactly why our m's are in this situation. If I was you, I would tell your H is actions will determine if you want to be with him or not, and by him not willing to do anything or change may lead you to a decision he doesn't want. Let him know that you are truly willing to give it one more chance, but be honest with him and yourself.

Good Luck, I really hope everything works out for the best!

[lost3031]

Thanks for replying, cz946. It's great that you are seeking help through books, counseling, etc. I wish my husband would be as open-minded about it as you are... As far as what he did to make me have second thoughts - he really didn't do anything, it was more or less that we spent some time together without bringing up our marriage or troubled relationship and it reminded me of why we were together in the first place. Then, as soon as I began thinking about seriously going back home, he said he couldn't do the "friends" thing anymore and told me to file the divorce papers. I know it's hard on him, but I gave that man 10 years of marriage and he seems completely unwilling to give me any time at all to sort myself out. I agree with what you say about his actions determining whether or not I want to be with him. The more he ignores me, the less I want to go back - not because I don't love him, but because it merely confirms that he's not going to change.

As far as giving you advice, it really depends on your wife. If it seems like she needs space right now, then by all means give it to her. Smothering is sometimes just as bad as neglect. If it seems like she is receptive to spending time with you, and I mean time spent just being together and having fun (NOT to discuss the marriage or relationship troubles), then by all means go along with it! If she initiates it, take her up on it. Initiate it herself, but don't get discouraged if she declines. One of the things that hurt me terribly is that after I left, I tried to get my husband to go out on dates with me to try to get back some of those old feelings, and he declined every time. I know he was hurting, but his refusal to spend time with me just seemed like an affirmation of why I had left in the first place...

Thanks for your well wishes - I truly hope that everything works out for both of us!

[Flipper]

Hey lost,

First of all, let me commend you for having the guts to come on here. Your a great woman for being here! My W left me in December and we were (are) best friends. I miss her too.

Where do I start. Well, bottom line is...you love your H and this does not feel right to divorce him. Then don't do it. A wise person said, "when in doubt, do nothing". In other words, time is on your side! Slow and easy. Patience, patience.

My first W was my HS sweetheart and I divorced her. You know what? I NEVER got over it. It was wrong to do! Do not get involved with anyone right now. Take care of yourself and do not complicate things. Be fair to the OM. Don't put him through this and don't allow him to come between you and your H. Take the OM's offer to allow you the opportunity to work things out with your H. Your H may thank him for that later. There is a saying, "If the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to water your own lawn."

Try to remember the good things about your marriage...it's probably hard. Know that it took a while for this to happen and it will take some time for you and your H to come together. I have spoken to so many elderly people who had been on the brink of divorce but were soooo glad they stuck together and worked it out. I know of so many couples that, not only came back from the brink of divorce, but are happier than ever...even than on their honeymoon! If you don't get through the bad times, you can't get to the great times. Love feelings come and go...and can come back!

If you two cool your heels and make some real changes (be patient!), you can have a great relationship and marriage. People do it all the time. Do not give up! Feelings can be dangerous and feelings change. People fall out of love...but when they eventually come together on things, they often fall back in love.

Also, be prepared for H to be a butthead until he has a chance to get through his anger and betrayal feelings. It's going to be a roller coaster, but that's how real change comes about. Be prepared and stay on this BB. Keep reading DR and other books. It's going to be a lot of work...but can be well worth it!

Find out when/where Michele is having a seminar and drag the H along if he will go. Or buy her DVD's. She's pretty awesome and she is so unlike the marriage counselors that can sometimes make things worse...and tell you to "throw in the towel". They are doing you guys NO favors. Also read the part in DR about how to find a Solution Based Therapist.

If you didn't want to fix things, you wouldn't be here! Good for you! Just do what's right and don't give into those feelings of wanting "freedom". Trust me, you won't feel better, just guilty, embarrassed and you won't be able to face people. My W is going through that right now and is too proud to lift the divorce papers. Please consider lifting the papers. It will buy you more time. If this helps...save face with your husband and give him an excuse as to why you lifted it. Sounds like he needs a wake-up call, but divorce papers should not be the solution.

From the sounds of things, your H is not getting the message and you are at your wits end. We guys are dunces and often do not get it! It takes something like this for us to finally get a clue. We mean no harm and we love our wives deeply. We just need help seeing and hearing. This crisis is an unwelcome, but wonderful opportunity for you both...Time to turn the tide! Did I mention...Do NOT give up! You can have a great marriage! If I didn't truly believe it, I wouldn't say it. I hope I helped. My humble opinion.

I don't know if you are Christian BUT, here is a great website for you to look at:

http://rejoiceministries.org/

Also, click on the Stop Divorce Radio. Good luck, Lost. I have a feeling you will be fine! Please keep me posted and please feel free to give me YOUR insight as a WAW. I need all the help I can get.

((((Hugs))))

-Flipper

PS: Men DO change. I am living proof of that.

[lost3031]

Thanks for your reply, Flipper! You're right - it does not feel right to to through the divorce right now. I'm not saying that there will never come a point when it will feel right, but right now, I don't feel I'm ready. The only reason I filed the paperwork was because my husband felt he needed some closure on the matter. Personally, I feel that 4 1/2 months is way too short of a time frame to give up on a 9 1/2 year marriage! I know that he's hurting - I'm hurting, too! I just don't know how to convince him to give me more time to get things figured out for me - because until I get things figured out for me, I really don't see any chance of "us" making it work...

[Flipper]

Lost,

You are so RIGHT! Nine and 1/2 years is great! lots of good times there...and more to be had...after you guys get through this. You probably already know this, but you are very weak and vulnerable right now. That green grass on the other side is pulling at you. Do not allow "the enemy" (bad feelings, bad mojo, whatever) to win.

Sounds like your H is being a lunkhead (like most of us). Also remember the "new guy" is one of us and he will not look any better in 9 1/2 years...LOL! Honest. We all fart, burb...eventually. Also remember that 60% of second marriages fail. Why? Maybe because we never worked things out in our first marriage? Don't give up and be a proud member of the 50%-of-marriages-work club. Food for thought. Keep remembering what you love about that H of yours.

Keep posting here and talk to the other WAW's for advice. You will need the lion's share of the patience right now. Just know that it takes time for everyone to simmer down and work things through. You both are not in sinc right now. Your timing is off with each other. Keep reading DR and posting here. Work at stabilizing things with H if you can. He has to know that you both need not panic and this thing can work out for the better.

In my humble opinion, I might tell him that you wish to rescind the D papers and work things through. He has to know that the problems took awhile to build up and it will take awhile to build back...hopefully sooner than later Don't do what I think my W is doing...she file pretty quick and now, instead of having a nice cup of coffee and starting over, we are now taling about the property settlement. She is now noticing changes in me but we're all stressed over the D.

[smartcookie]

lost, I read up on your story.

I would ask your H to do 2-3 specific things that would let you know he's interested in pursuing the M with you. Make them very easy for him to do. If he's not willing, then you have your answer. You can not make a relationship work if one person won't make any effort at all.

In the meantime, keep working on you. Take care of you. Be patient with yourself. Don't let H push you into a D if you don't want it.