WOW!! progress w H? Keeping my PMA

[pisces9]

i hadn't seen my H in about 4 weeks.
we had a spontaneous lunch yesterday and it went really well...i rubbed his back after and was very open and attentive to him..

he then wrote me a long email last night (very rare)...
he said he was so happy to see me looking so good..
he was sad the our dog wasn't happy to see him (ouch)..
he said he was impressed by me and my attitude...

he also said he couldn't believe i invite him a a trip in July- i i did it very casually and he said he cant believe i would do this after what he has done to our R! this was huge for him to say our R....i have brought it up only once in an email a week ago..so i haven't said much..he said he doesn't think it would be good to go at this point and create expectations for both of us and he thinks he would be going for the wrong reasons..

he also said we should meet again soon to discuss the next steps in our R....
this has me scared..why am i focusing on the negative?

i think this is where the pattern of our R gets muddy- when he wants to open up my fear gets in the way...

luckily since our S i have GAL'd and PMA'd a lot and detached so much..this is another area where i get to do this...

anyway- i just replied and said sounds great im free...let me know what works for you....

any advice??

[ms ladybug]

It sounds like you're doing great.
He said he's impressed by you and your attitude. I would focus on that and not panic. Nothing has been set in stone. If he wanted to divorce you, he would have filed a month ago.

[pisces9]

thanks ms ladybug!
i think i found the area of our R where i get wacky...he is finally wanting to discuss our R and i think the worst... and in the past it would cause him to shut down...

i need to think the best (be prepared for whatever)....
i agree- he would have filed...he was read to right away and hasn't brought it up since...

thanks for your positive thoughts!! BREATH DEEPLY.....

:-)

[pisces9]

ps. ms ladybug
my H is in law enforcement too....i read some of your thread..
an added special twist to this..
they have so much stress in their lives they dont realize how much it affects their personal life....
they have to be ready to react on duty to save their life and then to come home and act differently...and hold it all in.

OY VEY!

[ms ladybug]

Oh the woes of a law enforcement wife!
My personal experience is the need to be in control and respected. You know, in their job, if they tell someone what to do, they do it. At home, well maybe not so much... And, I think that was hard for my h. I was always telling him, "I'm not a suspect! Quit treating me like a suspect!"

[pisces9]

i hear you...such woes!
always in control at work...they deal with yuckiness all day...he seemed to always have it under control but was very quiet- then started acting out like a 2 yr old and then got depressed ...then the bomb.

but i agree... they need to feel like a MAN and not guilty or like a loser...i tried very hard to make him feel like a man- he just had a hard time feeling it himself!

i think a lot of this is unhappiness with work..he just promoted and its not what its cracked up to be...

we shall see...i can only do so much...
im happy ive DETACHED but i have way more to go!

i never knew what detachment was until this happened...i used to live and die by his words....not good.

BREATH DEEPLY! (talking to you and me :0))

[pisces9]

he just called and wants to see me tonight to talk!
what is going on??
all of a sudden he wants to talk!

should i see him??? i said was avail earlier in the day-
but im feeling a little sick (for real!) now

help!!

[ms ladybug]

If you need some time to collect yourself, tell him you can't tonight, but you're available tomorrow.
OR take a Xanax now, and face it head on.

Don't forget to breathe! And, we're here for you!

[pisces9]

HA HA!! i am taking the challenge head on- with calm, quiet, unconditional love- meeting him for a walk/ talk in a few!
i will keep you posted-- BREATH!
thanks for being there for me!

[pisces9]

we talked for 2.5 hrs- i was so COOL AND CALM in the face of HELL!
initially said so should we get a lawyer or mediator or what? he teared up- i didnt.

i was quiet...just listened to him share - blame- and think there is no hope...
i said i understand a lot...uh huh- etc

then we talked about possibilities- i did- i brought up stats about D- law enforcement stats of D- he was interested...i kept asking what he thought about that- he just said he isnt sure and we have so many issues- blame..uh huh- i understand- the he said he was curious about stats...i said i refuse to be a stat.

i also brought up a website that i had heard f from a DB coach...with options instead of therpay...

then i said there are so many options we haven't tried...i cant stop you if thats what you want- i trust you know what you are doing- he said thanks that makes me feel good...ha!

i said dont you want to know if we have tried everything? this is a lot to give up...he said yeah but i dont know how we can overcome...blah blah blah- uh huh yes i know...

lots of fun jokes throughout and sidelines of humor and stories...lots of quiet too...

i said i was scared too- and i cant ever go through this again ether...i said i wouldnt take it back bc ive learned so much but i cant ever have this happen again either...

we said a lot of other stuff...
at the end he said well- i dont want to give you false hope and have you think that things will be ok...im not sure...i said thanks dont worry- :-)

he asked how much weight i had lost- ha!

then i said it was great to talk with you and good to see you...talk to ya soon!

so overall i think it went well- if he cant make any changes i dont want this marriage anyway - really...i love him but his progress is SO SLOW...he is still in blame phase...unreal immature sad.

i feel very good that we got that elephant out of the room.. he can file- i truly dont think it will scare me. he is way more scared and in fear mode than me. i am so strong.

GOOD NIGHT!