5 yr DBer, "Joint" D now in progress

[RSmiles]

Hi everyone- Some of you may remember me, I posted a lot back in 2003-2004 during my previous S. These forums are so supportive, and I really enjoy meeting everyone- so I am back again and in need of friends/support..

Brief history- Successfully pieced M back together in 2004, after being on the brink of a D. A year or so later, things started going downhill again and I began to wonder if I was doing the right thing. However, I kept hanging on. Then, in the last year or so, things have been getting worse- H is having another EA online (2nd or 3rd?) and we started having money problems since H will not get a job (I've been supporting him/us.) H has done some freelance work but has not had a steady job for 4 years (since we got back together in '04). To top it off, H has a drug problem and blames most of his life problems on me, often snapping at me. I realize I haven't been perfect either- I've found it way too easy to get defensive and argue when he blames me for things. I've also been upset about him not seeking a job and insisting his music will make money. But, unfortunately there's more- H has pretty much been avoiding me for a couple of years. Doesn't come to bed until 7 am- then sleeps half the day. Yells at me to buy him groceries, yells at me about lots of stupid things like the dogs chewing up stuff. H is a musician who wants to be a rock star with groupies and believes this is his only career. I thought there might be some hope when H decided to see a C for his depression a few months ago. But, that is when things started to get even worse. H started coming home from his counseling sessions with a huge laundry list of things he hates about me and why we are so different from each other. It is kind of true that our interests are opposite in recent years. H is mostly just interested in his music and thinks that the things I like are 'lame'. I completely see through him and know he is projecting his own feeling of failure on me- but how much is a person supposed to take? A friend told me recently, "Life is not supposed to be suffered through" which makes a lot of sense to me. He does not want to do things with me (it's like pulling teeth to get him to go somewhere with me-even the grocery store) and has basically skipped our last 3 wedding anniversaries 2004-2007 (out playing a show with his band and thinks he's too broke to do anything to celebrate) One year I was invited, the other years he didn't think there was room for me in the band van. Nice anniversary, huh? Feels like I'm living with a 16yr old. It's possible H has had PA's out on the road- I don't know and don't have proof though.

H no longer wants to be M- and I realize I deserve better than this- thus our "joint" D filing recently. H first consulted a lawyer and then 2 wks later, I retained a lawyer for myself too. So here we are, trying to do a "cooperative D". We're both still staying at the house we own-but avoiding each other. H wants me to leave the house by Aug 1 (when the D temporary order is in place) and he acts like he is 100% about this D. In fact, he nags me every other day about D progress/getting done. H wants to keep the house but has no money for it so he thinks he's going to rent it out and possibly make it a huge music studio. Whatever. Nevermind that it was my savings and a gift from my family that helped us get this house to begin with. I feel totally used. I have roller coaster emotions, but see the logic that this is a poor R for me. And, I know, I should just forget worrying about the money. So, I've went ahead and have started to make plans to move out of state in about a month to live near my family. My family lives in Portland, OR area- which is a nicer place to live than where I am now and I will have more job opportunities there. So, my life does have the potential to be happier/better. Also, I think the move will really help me start over easier and get through this, not to mention I'll have the support of my family. Nonetheless, it still feels like a failure. I feel like I've spent so many years trying to stick it out and make things better and it ends like this. From the previous S, I remember feeling lonely and confused and betrayed. Then, I'm also worried about "starting over" and how long it will take to get a new job, etc. I gave notice to my current jobs this week and it hit me - oh wow, this is really happening- am I going to make it through this D?

[RSmiles]

One more part of the story is that we tried MC in early 2003- which ended up leading to our S in 2003-2004. H reluctantly went and in the sessions acted uncooperative and seemed to purposely have a bad attitude toward the C. After several sessions, the C asked me why I still wanted to stay M and then recommended individual counseling.

[cat03]

Hey there, big hugs and welcome)))))))))))))))) your story is similar to mine, depressed H, C gone wrong, pieced for while then ended up in D path.

ut, that is when things started to get even worse. H started coming home from his counseling sessions with a huge laundry list of things he hates about me and why we are so different from each other. I

When C goes horrible wrong- We had a great MC, then stbx started seing ow (I didnt' know yet) and he shut down, C saw right through him, stbx wanted another MC, we go tone, another 'new age' IC for him, and the new IC not knowing our full story told him how oppressed he was and all went downhill from there, butt old issues came alive and it turned out we were "incompatible", ummm, YEAH right.
Sadly, a small amount of C sessions do more damage than good. But you know what? the will and drive to heal our Ms was always in our H's hands, not the Cs, they should've have the spine and guts to fight for their Ms.

Nonetheless, it still feels like a failure. I feel like I've spent so many years trying to stick it out and make things better and it ends like this.

Hey, none of that! I will quote a good DB'er who knew it was almost a lost cause but kept fighting for his M: "it might be late but damn if it is going to be too little"

Who's the looser here? we, who gave it our all, DB'd our hearts out and trusted that our M could be saved or those men with their heads up their butts living in la-la land and who can't see the future 2wks from now? (really! dont' think ahead!)

I have 2 sweet kids, they of course know nothing of the hell I went through with their father and his A. But one day they might have to know, and they'll know that their mom went down fighting tooth and nail. I have no regrets, I wans't perfect and had backslides, but every morning, while he was with me, I thanked God for my family and chose to be the greatest W I could be. This trial by fire had brought me closer to God and has made me into a better person.

Had I not have kids I prob would've done what you did, just get the heck out of his area and move on and get another job near my family. Look at this change as something wonderful, as a new opportunity for you, you are still young and you have so many options in front you, you are very blessed and I know you will be more than fine.

A great book for healing is "Healed without scars", i'm reading it now and it has helped me big time.

Welcome, and I hope you find the support you need here, hugs)))))

[cat03]

and about the D and him harrassing you, ish!! what a jerk! he's luck you dont' throw his butt out in the street, bumb. If he wants things done quickly then tell him to do it himself, dont' lift a finger if you dont' have to, and it is your house too, he can't ask you to leave! What have you decided about that? if he wants to stay, how is he going to buy your part out if he has no fixed income? that is just madness, hope you got a good L, dont' give away anything. I too cooperated with the legal separation and we both agreed on every thing, but was always careful about looking for the best way to provide for my kids and I.

[kml]

Yeah, make sure you're not giving away too much in your desire to be free of his antics. He obviously won't be able to buy you out - do nOT, under ANY circumstances, give him the house with your name still on the mortgage!!!! Either you sell the house or he buys you out of your share AND he refinances in his name.

Of course, since you've been the main wage earner, you have to know what the laws are in your state. It might be that trading him the house in exchange for you not having to pay him alimony or split your retirement fund is a good idea. But get a lawyer and DON'T leave with your name still on that mortgage.

In fact, I'm concerned about you leaving town before you get the D settled up. I know it seems best for you emotionally to move on - just want to make sure you're financially smart and not in such a rush that you end up with some nightmare (like, say, H in charge of selling the house and not doing what needs to be done to sell it, or your name still on the mortgage and H goes into foreclosure and ruins your credit.)

Ellie

[ALL6785]

kml

I wish I had gotten that advice 3 years ago. Yup, EX has a house and a mortgage with my name still on it. She is often late on payments and it's killing my credit.

[RSmiles]

Thank you everyone for your posts- I'm really feeling in need of support right now...

About H and the house, yes, you're absolutely right. I have found a good L and I'm meeting w/her tomorrow. I am very concerned about what H will try to do (or not do). About a month ago already, H visited his bank to apply for a refinance and they told him that he needs to pay off some past due bills (under $2,000) and wait for his credit score will get better again. He also has a cosigner. So H claims that his bank said he can get approved in 6-7 months when his credit clears up. The bank gave him that estimate of it taking 6-7 months. I'm not sure they verified his income or anything. So, then, H wants up to 9 months to refinance the house before it has to sell and he thinks it's only fair he gets the extra couple months to "have a chance" to qualify. H knows he needs to pay me my 1/2 of the equity and he said he would build that into his loan. After initially talking to my L, she said that I shouldn't extend it that long for him to refinance and she will definitely make sure I either get my payment or the house has to sell. H will probably fight on this though. I'm worried about the house selling, too, since it is an old house that needs repairs, and it isn't in the best neighborhood. It could sit on the market for a long time. It would be the best if H could refinance, but there is no guarantee of that. I got myself into a mess with this and the stupid thing is that I worried about this before we bought the house (1-1/2 yrs ago). I had a tiny voice inside my head worrying, what if we ended up getting a D?? Maybe we shouldn't buy this house. According to my L, she can have a temporary order in place about the house and our finances before I leave. So, I hope I can be protected with that.

[RSmiles]

Emotionally, I'm feeling like a roller coaster right now. H is still trying to manipulate me in one way or the other. He needs $6K in dental work done since he hasn't taken regular care of his teeth(yes- it's that bad) and he was trying to give me this sob story today about how he made the appointment at the dentist, but has no money to pay for it, so what is he going to do. He is in constant pain now. I do feel sorry for him. It's sad to watch him go downhill. For years, I asked him to brush his teeth regularly. H has a daily pot habit and has lost more weight- he's actually looking unhealthily thin now, because he doesn't want to eat much. I asked him to go to the doctor, too- but he doesn't think he has to. He hasn't gone in 2 yrs. The last time we visited his parents, his mother almost cried looking at him. Ok- this is the stuff that is heart wrenching. To watch a person you care about fall apart so much. My sister is an alcoholic, so I should be used to it. He really needs to go to NA- but he won't admit he has a drug problem. He's got a knee injury and acid reflux so he claims it's his "medicine" His family doesn't really know about the drugs, they just think he's stressed out and having career problems. I told him I can't pay for his dentist appt, I really don't have the money anyway. It's been a stressful financial burden for me to try to pay for both of us these last few years, because I'm not really making enough to support 2 people and a house by myself. I'm not sure if he's just trying to get some kind money from me or make me feel sorry for him. He still wants the D 100% and is anxious to get on with his life.

[Briget]

If your divorcing then it is his issue to get his teeth fixed.He may have to fall all the way down to be able to get back up.

Drugs are a dealbreaker.Don't give him the money.If you feel like you have to do something pay the dentist.Don't give him the money.

Later Friend
Briget

[RSmiles]

Thank you Briget, thanks for reminding me that drugs are a dealbreaker. It's so hard for me to see clearly since I'm stuck in the sitch. Now that the D ball is starting to roll along, I can't help but doubt and wonder if there is any possible reason for me to still try to save this M. Am I a WAS now? Am I giving up? Is this it? Is there anything else I can do or is H really unworkable. Or am I truly deciding to take care of myself, because H is not capable of having a healthy R due to drugs, depression, his own unresolved personal issues, etc. etc. I need to admit that H has been a drug addict for several years, and has not really faced his own problems since I have known him. I didn't want to face this for a long time. When we met, we were both in college still and it seemed like we were just "having fun"- but H never really moved out of that stage. I truly do feel empathy for H and his struggles. However, I guess only he can help himself. He is seeing an IC, but it's making him feel he needs to end this M, because the M is the source of his unhappiness and depression. I know that when he says this he is masking the real issues he must feel about not being good enough, etc. But he needs to recover from that himself. Maybe I'm just scared of being D and the loneliness and feeling of failure coming. I know I have issues too about not feeling good enough about myself. It feels so weird, I care about H, but then I know that I really deserve to have a life with an R with a happy, healthy and sober person, for starters. Since I don't have kids with H, this life choice is really about the R between me and him. As I kind of mentioned in my last post- my sister is also an unrecovered alcoholic and I'm concurrently dealing with the sadness of watching her not help herself and blame her life on others. I've had to start realizing that people really have to make the decision to help themselves get better and that others can't do it for them. I have gone to Alanon lately, too...and thankfully have met others with spouses that use drugs/alcohol.