He left then Cheat 2

[No Longer BH]

Ok, my thread finally locked up. Here's a recap....H said ILYNILWY last year then after I found some evidence that he might be having an EA (now wonder if it was a PA) he decided he loved me and wanted to work on R. That lasted all of 3 weeks then things started to fall apart. H became VERY depressed and by March wanted to move out to find himself and his happiness. Started to hear that there might be OW again in April and by the end of May he confirmed that yes he was in a PA. I packed my son up and moved 2 hours away to be with family (still dont know if that is a good DBing move). H is so angry that I stole son away that he cant even hardly look at me now when we exchange S. Keeps demanding I move back so he can be a part of S therapy.


Now that that is done...I am having a delima and I want to know what people think the right thing is here. First, Since last week, H keeps emailing me everyday wanting me to tell him how S is doing. Last week I told him that I thought S would love to tell him on his own and have stopped replying to these messages. He sent an email yesterday that he wanted me to send laptop home w S so that he could install a video camera so they could video conference on their Tues/Thurs night calls. My heart says "I just dont want to have to see him. I dont want to do it" but my brain says that this is for my son and so I am going to do it.

Here the thing I need advice on. H created a hotmail account for S8 so that he could email him pictures of the 2 of them having a great time together. I dont want to have to go into the email account everyday so that I can open up another pic H has sent. It angers me to know end that he is doing this. I feel like if he wants S to have those pics then he should frame them and place them in S room at HIS house. What is your opinion? Am I just being overly sensative because I am so angry right now or am I allowed to say this is my time with S, I dont interfer with your time w S and send photos of me and him having a great time to you.


Any advice is welcome.

[runningoutoftime]

Would you rather your H have a relationship with your S, or would you rather he be closer to someone else's children? Chances are that if the D goes through your S will slowly lose his father to another family if your H remarries or lives with another W. Would you like to speed this up?

[saffie]

This isn't about you, it's about your S.

Look at the big picture....if you don't do all you can to keep your H's and your S's R healthy and keep them in touch, you open yourself up to being accused by both your S and your H, at sometime in the future, of manipulating them. Not helping them keep in contact could backfire big time. Your S is not a pawn in this - he is a victim.

[Astimegoeson]

Your being overly sensitive. Whatever you do, don't interfere with the Father/Son relationship. To many Fathers walk out on their kids when they leave a marriage, yours wants to maintain a relationship. Your Son is fortunate that is the case. You can be angry at him, but leave the S out of it.

[No Longer BH]

Ok ok got it. I guess I am just feeling angry and raw which is why I wanted the advice. Even though it hurts to keep getting these emails, you are right, its not about me, its gor my S. Thank you for your comments.

[runningoutoftime]

Focus on detachment rather than how to punish your H. Not will you hurt your son if you discourage that relationship, you come across as a mean, bitter person and that will definitely push your H further away. No one wants to be with an angry, bitter, vindictive person.

[No Longer BH]

I just got back from C and it was a really hard session to take today. She said that she did not think H would ever come back, that he will be filling his needs w OW until she decides enough is enough. She said she thought H had a history of abandoning me, at that this time he did it in such a way that maybe I would take the hint and not come back. She said that she did not neccesarily think the he was in MLC, but just a self centered person who only looked after himself and not others.

This is so not what I wanted to hear. She knows that I want my H back and that I was happy with him for the majority of our relationship. Of course he has issues, we all do, but that does not mean I do not love him. She keeps trying to get me to see that loving him is not a healthy thing for me. Funny had when I had it, I felt healthy! <Sigh> I just dont know what to do with her take on things. Maybe she does see something that I just dont want to see.

I'm just going to take it one day at a time and stil focus on me getting as strong and as detached as I can. It just makes me so sad that she could be right.

[karen43]

I just got back from C and it was a really hard session to take today. She said that she did not think H would ever come back, that he will be filling his needs w OW until she decides enough is enough. She said she thought H had a history of abandoning me, at that this time he did it in such a way that maybe I would take the hint and not come back. She said that she did not neccesarily think the he was in MLC, but just a self centered person who only looked after himself and not others.

Your C sounds perceptive. I think a lot of WAS around here are self-centered or they wouldn't be off with an OP. I know my H is self-centered and admits to being selfish. When I told him I thought he was selfish after I found out about the affair, he said "You just noticed that???". (Sometimes I'm not that quick!)

She keeps trying to get me to see that loving him is not a healthy thing for me. Funny had when I had it, I felt healthy! <Sigh> I just dont know what to do with her take on things. Maybe she does see something that I just dont want to see.

I don't know I think loving someone that's messed up happens/has happened to me and most of us here of course. I think it's what you do about that which makes it healthy/unhealthy. I still love my H, but I feel healthy--but I've detached a lot and am focusing more on my kids and myself than I used to. Does realizing your H is self-centered matter so much? I guess it depends on how important that is to you: if you want a selfless husband than maybe you should think about that? Karen

[No Longer BH]

I never wanted my H to be selfless, but I never thought that he could turn into someone so selfish. I was ok with the way he was because he still found ways to do things for me that made me feel special. It just breaks my heart that he is now doing those things for someone else.

Today is the day that I transfer S over to H for the weekend. I am going to take my C advice and not even get out of the car. Here's the thing though, H has not contacted me yet to tell me any of the details - the when and where. I dont want to contact him because then I will be fixing things for him again. How long do I wait before I say , um, hello,what are the plans???

[No Longer BH]

I just found this an wanted to share it with everyone:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's how the Urban Dictionary defines:
"I love you but I'm not IN love with you."

Phrase used exclusively by shallow self-absorbed individuals who actually have no concept of what it means to love or be loved. Their hearts are vacant and usually associate sex not with a deeply emotional or spiritual experience but rather purely a physical and transient act involving no emotion. Such individuals are limited in both intellect and in normal socialization skills. People who use this overused cliche usually suffer from a combination of schizotypal disorder and sociopathy. A catch-all phrase when the person doing the dumping knows there is no reason for the relationship to end, other than for purely selfish reasons of wanting to pursue sexual relations with other individuals outside of the current relationship.

I love you but I'm not in love with you.
Translation:
I don't love you and I want to experiment with other people.