So yesterday was a big day. I got a call from W in the afternoon. Actually 3 calls because I didn't answer the first two. She was very blunt and said we need to talk. I feared the worst...the D word.
As I drove to meet her I just kept playing the conversations over in my head. I kept telling myself that I don't want to freak out. I just need to listen.
As we started talking she started with our M. How we've been strangers for a long time, how she's afraid my new changes are only temporary in order to get her back, how she afraid that if we do try we will only be in the same spot again.
Then she admitted to me that she was dating the OM. She admitted that she was kidding herself that they could be just friends. That she does have strong feelings for him. And that she was very confused.
She also admitted that she couldn't be dishonest with me anymore. That she had to tell me the truth about it. That she doesn't know what to do but realizes she is dating two people. She also said that she realized she was cutting me off emotionally, and that wasn't fair to me.
Mostly I just listened and validated her feelings. I told her I understand about the marriage and about us. I said nothing about the EA nor validated those feelings only listened. I didn't push her, I didn't tell her that we were going to be ok, just that she would be ok. That she was a very strong person and would get through this. And in the end she is the one that has to make the decision. When she asked me what I thought we should do I said little as well. I let her decided.
So we decided to continue on with the separation mostly as is. Obviously the dating other people rule is out, but so is the can't talk about R and little contact during the week. I'm pretty happy about this because I feel if she will just start to let me in again that we can work it out.
She also mentioned that she was having a hard time caring for the kids. I told her that I understand, she's going through a lot and if she ever needs me to come and watch them to call (as long as it's not to see OM of course). I also recommended AS HER FRIEND that she go take some time for herself. Maybe go off to the beach for a few days. No phone, no internet, and no contact with anyone, just her and her thoughts. I even told her that she could leave her contact information with her mom and we could call her if we needed to get a hold of her in a emergency. I truly believe this would help her greatly.
In the evening she started feeling a little sick with a sore throat. I offered to go pick up the kids while she went and laid down. She got very emotional when the kids came back so I tried to occupy them so she could have some alone time. I played with them and gave our youngest a bath. When our youngest started throwing a fit with her I went up and took care of her. I put her to bed and played with our son for a little while longer. After I put him to bed I went in to tell her bye. She was still very emotional. I told her that I'm hear if she needs to talk, if not I'm going to take off. She said she was doing better and was going to bed.
On the drive home I felt pretty good. I felt like we had reconnected again and that made me very happy. A few minutes into the drive I got a text from her saying thank you for being there. The entire drive home was spent with me pulling over every so often and texting back and forth. Basically that she does still care about me, she hasn't forget everything that was good about us and that she appreciates me. I confirmed that I still care for her and am there whenever she needs me.
Sorry for the long post but I had to get it off my chest. I know it's still a long road ahead but days like these make me feel it's going in the right direction. I hope today is good day too.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/17/0801:28 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Very nice, very nice indeed. Its a great step forward and remember it's just one step in a journey of a thousand and one steps. With that understand she went way out on a limb with all of this so she most likely will withdrawal a bit. Knowing and understanding this is a key thing for you because it means you know and understand she needs the space and aren't pressuring her.
Good work all around!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Thank you. It's taking every ounce of my being to not tell her how much of a mistake it will be. How most affairs end and why. But this is not my decision to make and I realize that. She has to make it for herself. I can only work on myself and be there when she needs me. I won't pursue her, but I will add a few more texts to her just to see how she is doing and to let her know I'm here if she needs me, especially with the kids.
I must say that I have a clarity now that I haven't had in a long time. I'm seeing things now that were right in front of me but never noticed. I only wish I would have woke up sooner.
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/17/0802:59 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
(((Lynn))) Just remember everything happens for a reason, even the time frame. Sometimes its easier to talk about seeing what the problem was and going through the motions of fixing it than actually realizing that something needs to be done. You are fortunate in that you realize that something needed to be done, and are taking the steps to correct the situation.
It's hard to swallow, but remember you are doing great!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
She's going out to talk to OM tonight while I'm with the kids. I'm gonna have to be strong. This is going to be a real test for me. Now I know for sure and I hope I can focus and handle it.
Please pick me, please pick me, please pick me!
Got to breathe....
Lynn
Last edited by lynn97; 06/17/0805:34 PM.
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
Excellent DB work!!!! If you handled that conversation with your wife so well, the rest is just more of the same. Remember patience and keep your cool! The OM will likely put more demons in her head, but he has probably been doing that all along. Sounds like she is starting to see things. Keep up your good changes and remember consistency and time in those is your biggest asset. Be her friend like you have been.....even through the tough times, it will show her the type of person you are! Hope all goes well
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
(((Lynn))))...I will say lots of prayers and keep all fingers crossed that this will work for you!!!!! You have been doing great...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
