Really upside down

[upside_downer]

I guess I'm locked, so here is my new thread. Link to old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1483272&page=0&fpart=13


So Bworl, you said "one more time, detaching does not mean going dark"

This is the problem though! Earlier in my post, I specifically asked:

With what is going on, is going dark really what is best for my sitch?

Tink seemed to be suggesting that going dark was good or what I should do. I asked because I was confused and still am!!!!!

[Bworl]

Try checking this out.

Detachment Link


Bill

[upside_downer]

Got it. I understand the basics of both detaching and doing dark. My question is:

Which is best for my sitch? I'm not really sure. Both have certain aspects that seem to be good, so I'm having a hard time deciding.

[upside_downer]

It's almost like clockwork. If I don't call, 4 days is the limit on how long my W will wait until she initiates a contact. We haven't talked since Saturday, so I figured she would contact me either today or tomorrow. She chose today. Sent me a 3 word email:

"Dinner tomorrow night?"

I responded with "I can't, I already have plans Maybe another time?"

She responded: "totally :)"

I don't have solid plans yet, but was already making them, so this was no lie. I will be doing something tomorrow.

Well, I returned with "Saturday?"

Thing is, I know she has plans already with the cousin (which is FINE by me). I was using that date because we haven't spent any time together on a Saturday in a long time. Plans could have changed, too, so I figured, oh well. If she is busy, I can wait.

**Update: she said "no good, Sunday?"

Honestly, I don't want to. I'm tempted to just say "nevermind," but I don't want it to come across negatively. Hmmmm.....what to do!!!!!

Still, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be detaching or going dark or both........

[Bworl]

You're still playing a game.

You asked her about saturday, knowing she had plans with her cousins.

When she says no and offers sunday, you get mad because she's with THEM once again.

I'm telling you, you are on course to let this cousins issue be the thing that ALWAYS holds you back from making the progress you need to make. And that lack of progress will keep you and your wife in the same state that you are in now, with little to no progress.

Enough with the cousins. You truly have to let this go.

Why didn't you just offer thursday or friday? You don't have time in your busy schedule to respond to a request for dinner from your wife?

I'm not sure what your strategy is here.

Right now it looks like you're trying to see if you can either annoy or ignore her back to you.

Can't think either of those are real succesful strategies.


bill

[Tink]

IWell, I returned with "Saturday?"

Thing is, I know she has plans already with the cousin (which is FINE by me). I was using that date because we haven't spent any time together on a Saturday in a long time.

I don't understand. Why did you choose Saturday if you know she is busy? Were you testing her to see if she would choose you over the cousins?

Tink

[upside_downer]

You're still playing a game.

You asked her about saturday, knowing she had plans with her cousins.

When she says no and offers sunday, you get mad because she's with THEM once again.

I'm telling you, you are on course to let this cousins issue be the thing that ALWAYS holds you back from making the progress you need to make. And that lack of progress will keep you and your wife in the same state that you are in now, with little to no progress.

Enough with the cousins. You truly have to let this go.

Why didn't you just offer thursday or friday? You don't have time in your busy schedule to respond to a request for dinner from your wife?

I'm not sure what your strategy is here.

Right now it looks like you're trying to see if you can either annoy or ignore her back to you.

Can't think either of those are real succesful strategies.


bill

I didn't get mad. That was just a lack of typing skills, but it's more that I just don't like being confused with what to do. Detachment would dictate that it doesn't bother me that she is being herself, and that I need to disengage from an over-enmeshed R. Right now, I don't know if I'm supposed to be going Dark. I've asked that 3 times because I simply don't know.


I'm confused as all getout because the scenery so far has not changed one bit. The same thing has happened for 4 weeks. I don't call, 3 or 4 days later, she tries to get together for dinner. We don't really talk much at all, and then I'm back to my life and she with hers.

I can't offer Thurs. or Fri. cuz I play volleyball on those days.

So....I'll ask again....am I supposed to be dark? I'm detaching because I need to (obviously), but our communication (or lack thereof) is going absolutely nowhere.

[upside_downer]

IWell, I returned with "Saturday?"

Thing is, I know she has plans already with the cousin (which is FINE by me). I was using that date because we haven't spent any time together on a Saturday in a long time.

I don't understand. Why did you choose Saturday if you know she is busy? Were you testing her to see if she would choose you over the cousins?

Tink

Honestly, IF she was available (in case the plans fell through with the cousins on Sat.) I wanted to see her on a Sat. It sounds stupid, but it would be nice to see her when work isn't coming up, and we can just relax and maybe do something more than just dinner.

[Tink]

Then if that's all it is, with no power struggle, why is your next impulse after Saturday is (still) no good for her, to say "nevermind"?

Tink

[upside_downer]

Then if that's all it is, with no power struggle, why is your next impulse after Saturday is (still) no good for her, to say "nevermind"?

Tink

I want to see her, for more than just dinner. I'm confused because I'm supposed to be trying to make her miss me, but I don't know how when we don't comminicate much at all, and she only offers dinners.