((lodo)) I found some old cards and a couple of letters when I packed up H stuff a couple weeks ago and it was just like getting kicked. I ended up putting them with the stuff I took to his mom's but it was just so hard to read them, knowing what I know now.
Not much help, but my heart goes out to you.
S^S
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
I have letters from my old boyfriend saying he would love me forever, with little wet spots on them. I used to think he was crying when he wrote it. Now I think he sprinkled water on the paper to make it look like he was crying. Anyway, he didn't love me forever.
I have been reading your posts and there are striking similarities between your sitch and mine. The only difference is I have 3 children and we were together for 17yrs. We are both academics and she is currently doing her PhD. I have applied for the divorce, which should be completed any day now.
I am wondering, what is it that is making you reminisce and retrace old ground. Do you think that history will repeat itself? Would you be happy with that? Right now it appears that you are stuck in a vicious never ending loop. Power dynamics between you and your ex appear to be skewed in her favour, and she knows that, because you still want her back. It is a form of slavery from which one needs to emancipate oneself from. It is a form of oppression: she has oppressed you for years by the sound of it. As someone said, oppression is a connivance between the oppressor and the oppressed. Because power is a construction between people, not a fixed tangible entity. It is enacted by some on others. One can never become fully human while inhabiting that space of powerlessness. Remember the song 'emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds' Marley was so right. You need to let go my friend and start a new chapter.
Sugar and spice / sara - Those memory anchors serve to perpetuate the attachment to the past. What I have found incredibly useful, was to cleanse my living space from old memory triggers and hastily replace them with new ones, like recent photos, gifts etc from my current lady friend. Hey I am off to Paris tomorrow for a weekend with my new lady friend and next month we are flying to the south of France for a weekend. Can't wait!
You are right. I should get rid of them. And I don't need to replace them with anything. I've got lots of clutter, they won't even leave an empty space.
thanks for stopping by. When I started this thread, my intention had been to let my R dance before my eyes so I could see the good and the bad and choose what to leave behind and what to hold onto. I realize this isn't history repeating itself and I wouldn't be content if it were.
Perhaps I'm holding on more than I care to admit, in which case your words are timely.
I agree about cleansing the living space. I thought I'd lose my mind before I got out of our house. Now that I'm in my new place, I'm so much more comfortable. Her letters, along with a few photos and a book she made me, are the only items explicitly tied to her that I have kept. Everything else was left behind.
Perhaps it's wrong for me to be a friend to her when she's willing to take advantage of that, but it's a decision I decided to make and will let it play out for the moment. My intention had been to take the high road in order to ease tension since I wasn't very good at doing things like going dark - felt too much like a game.
July 8: "Dear lodo - Oh, what a grand mess I've created for myself. I've been through an incredible range of emotions in the past six months. At Christmas, I was so confused, and overwhelmed, and a little lost - so excited about all of the new things and so disoriented by everything coming to a halt and returning home. Then the burden of trying to fix things over the phone and still be involved in things, and just not wanting to deal. Feeling like I didn't have the energy to mend things. Denying interest in someone else, because I didn't want to be interested in someone else. Not knowing what I wanted from you. Feeling totally detached from my instincts, my emotions, unable to control my reactions. Feeling like I just needed time and feeling totally relieved when I told you that. Knowing how much I was hurting you and still feeling a little relieved and a whole lot sad. Sad for all the things we've shared, and share. Trying to figure out what I was missing from you that made me interested in someone else. I do love you, lodo. Can you see how this hurts me too? I guess, though, that I have to tell you it's over because I'm not ready to be with you right now. Honestly, I'm excited to try things out with OM, even though I can't believe I am. But I still want to see you and talk to you - can I do that? I'm sorry to be hurting you so much."
She ended things with OM 2 weeks later becuase she couldn't relate to him like she could with me.
"ME. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me; me, me. Me, me me me; I, me, me, me, mememe."
Quote:
Sept: "You must know I've been thinking about you a lot. I feel so stupid that I put you through such crap. I can't explain my narrow-mindedness, my ... I don't know.
Here, let me help you, Mrs. Lodo -- "self-centeredness."
Part of the reason I posted this letter is because I think it's the well-written reasoning of someone in an A. "I know I should work on things with you, but I'm excited to be with OM".
