How do I stop obsessing

[lynn97]

So I won't repeat the whole story, but basically my wife and I are now separated. She says it's so she can work on herself and be more independent. Unfortunately there is also an EA going on with on of my good friends. She says it's just good friends and they are helping each other through this rough time, but I just can't let myself believe that.

My question is how do I stop obsessing about it? Since we're separated I can't talk to her about it. I know if I call him and tell him to knock it off it will only push her farther away. I'm stuck and don't know what to do. In the end I know this is only hurting me but I can't stop doing it.

I just paid her phone bill and can clearly see that she has been talking and texting him so much that she has blown through all of her minutes, and mine (shared plan). She doesn't have anyone else to talk to but her mother so I could see where she needs friends, but this seems like over the top. Even her counselor said that if she wants to focus on herself she shouldn't start running to him, but she is. Should I just accept that it is an affair and move on? Should I try to stop it?

I know I need to LRT and start focusing on myself, I just don't know how.

Lynn

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

I see where you got some really good advice on your previous thread about how to deal with this. With all due respect, you appeared to just not even listen to it, and in fact spent more time defending your wife than you did heeding the warnings some of us were trying to give you. I even offered to help you phrase something -- a better way to handle setting the boundary -- if you would give me an example of a typical dialogue exchange with your wife. That offer was ignored.

It's not clear from your most recent post here what it is you want from us. How do you stop obsessing about it? You can't. What you DO about the things you think is another matter (read LostPhil's threads for a great read on "reactivity," and now NOT to do it), but you realistically aren't going to be able to stop THINKING about it at this early stage.

Or is your question "Should I just accept her affair and move on, or should I try to stop it?" That's an entirely different question, and much more controversial.

"Working on yourself" always SOUNDS good, but a wayward spouse doesn't do that when they're actively involved in an affair. The separation is almost entirely used as a means to carry on the affair more easily, than it is for any meaningful introspection and movement back toward the marriage.

Puppy

[lynn97]

I just realized another problem after reading a few post. Since this A is just in the beginning stages I want to stop it. I want to put my foot down before it gets worse. I know that will only push her into OM arms but it sooo hard not to do.

I really want to believe her that she can just be friends with him and to trust her, but the phone records are telling me she is talking with him an awful lot.

Another telling sign is that she's completely shut down from me. Right before the separation started we were starting to communicate better, we were reconnecting on an emotional level, etc. Then after the first night she left all of that was gone. I know she had talked to hours on the phone with him.

She is also buying new clothes, getting her hair and nails done, etc. Is it really for herself?

I'm so tired of this and it's only the 1st week of my separation, how am I supposed to get through months of this?

Lynn

[lynn97]

You're right Puppy. I've been trying to just ignore the A or pretend it's not happing because that is easier for me. Ok, I'm back and it's happening so what do I do. I just don't want to make things any worse. It does still seem like it's in the beginning but it's moving fast. If it hasn't been physical yet it will be soon I bet. Especially with her new look.

Because of our separation I can't talk to her about it, that's against our agreement (of course so is having another relationship). I thought about talking to him to see if I could make him feel guilty and that would help, but I doubt guilt would trump the feelings they're having.

Next Sunday is our day to talk about R issues so I could bring it up there. But that goes against LRT right? Can I really talk to her about setting a boundary at this point? I wouldn't even know what to say. She is in a place now where she isn't sure she wants us to work. So I can't say if you want us to work we need a boundary. She'll just say no you're controlling me, you'll never let me have my independence and you'll never trust me. I don't see how we can ever make it work.

Lynn

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

What was your agreement regarding dating other people while you are separated?

Assuming that it's NOT agreed to, I would say to her:

"I am NOT okay with you having an affair while we are still married, make no mistake. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage, and it needs to stop."

If she says you're controlling, say "that's not the issue -- the issue is your affair." If she denies the affair, put your hand up (as in "STOP") and say, firmly, "Stop it. Please stop lying to me -- it's very disrespectful."

If she says "we're just friends," say "First of all, we BOTH know that's not true, but even if it were, you'd be putting a friendship AHEAD of your husband, and that's not right. If the situation were reversed, I would honor your wishes."

Most people on these boards are not advocates of "snooping," but I think good intel-gathering has its purposes. Legal/strategic/tactical aside, it would help you muster up the strength you need to set a firm boundary and enforce it. With your wife separated from you physically now, that will be harder to do, but there are still ways you can gather more intel to find out more accurately what you're dealing with.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

I failed to answer one of your main questions.

If she says something like "I'm not even sure I WANT us to 'work' right now, so why should I listen to anything you have to say?", say

"You don't have to -- you're an adult, and you're free to make your own choices. Whether or not to work on our marriage is certainly your own choice, and I can't make it for you or even tell you what to do. What I CAN let you know, and I certainly WILL let you know, is under what conditions I'm willing to remain married to you. And having an open marriage, with a third person in it, is totally unacceptable. If you refuse to end your affair, then I cannot remain married to you."

If she says "Are you saying you want a divorce? say "I don't want to divorce. But I'm not willing to live in an open marriage, so I guess we BOTH have some decisions to make, don't we."

The key to "boundaries" vs. "control," as I wrote to you on your previous thread, is to make the choices HERS, but to let her know what YOUR boundaries are and that there will be consequences if she crosses them. It's a calm, loving, yet firm expression of basically "Hey, what you do is up to you, I can't control you. I'm just telling you what I'm willing to put up with, because it's only fair that I let you know."

Adding in a "and please don't take forever to decide, because my patience isn't infinite, and your recent behavior is making me lose my love for you" is entirely bonus/optional.

Puppy

[tfkeel]

Your wife needs to understand that there is going to be a PENALTY for her actions, and there are CONSEQUENCES for leaving her marriage. She is dishonoring her word, her vows before God, and her own honor as a woman by these actions. And you consider these current actions of hers as just this.

The trick is to do this in a totally non-threatening way, and with a complete CONFIDENCE on your part. You want to portray to your wife that you are just going on with your life, without her.
You are simply taking care of, and protecting, YOURSELF.

You WANT to have her be your wife, like she promised she would be. But, if she is not going to do that, then you would really prefer to just be rid of her forever. You don't want a philandering, cheating woman for your wife..... do you?

Never mind what your wife WAS, in the PAST.... it is what she IS NOW that is salient and germane to your decision process.

Calling the OM and telling her to stop and doing things like this show FEAR. It also places the blame where it doesn't belong. The blame should be placed squarely upon your wife. SHE is the one who has lied. SHE is the one who has disobeyed God. SHE is the one who has broken her vows.

Obsessing about her buying new clothes and reading her phone bill only make things worse for you. What you imagine is happening between her and the OM may be far worse than what actually is.

Your wife is rationalizing her affair in her own mind by calling it a "friendship"....as long as she can keep thinking of it in that way, she can continue without the CONVICTION that it's wrong.

Stop paying her bills. 100%, off, kaput, finished. No exceptions, no ifs, no ands, no buts. OFF. Take any money in joint accounts and either give her half of it, as a lump-sum, or keep it ALL and use it for repayment of any joint debts - if there are joint debts, I suggest this method, because it increases the pressure on her to stop her foolishness and come home and honor her vows and her responsibilities as an adult woman.

Adding in a "and please don't take forever to decide, because my patience isn't infinite, and your recent behavior is making me lose my love for you" is entirely bonus/optional.

Perfect.

[lynn97]

What was your agreement regarding dating other people while you are separated?

That we would start or be in any other relationships.

If she says "we're just friends," say "First of all, we BOTH know that's not true, but even if it were, you'd be putting a friendship AHEAD of your husband, and that's not right. If the situation were reversed, I would honor your wishes."

She will say something similar to this. The only thing I would add is that I have no problem with you putting YOURSELF before me during this time, but not HIM. Then she would say that you're trying to control me. You always have to be in charge and run the situation. How are we ever going to have a marriage again if you can't trust me, or let me have friends.

The last two posts seem like taking it beyond LRT and going to after the last resort. Isn't it too early for that? Should I be giving the D ultimatum at this point?

Lynn

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

I'm assuming that you meant "WOULDN'T" be dating other people. Let me know if that's not correct.

I think you need to re-read my posts to you. I am NOT advocating an ultimatum. Ultimatums are about CONTROL. What I'm advocating is that you let your wife know what YOUR boundaries are, and what YOU are willing to put up with (or not).

What she then does with that information is entirely up to her.

She will say something similar to this. The only thing I would add is that I have no problem with you putting YOURSELF before me during this time, but not HIM. Then she would say that you're trying to control me. You always have to be in charge and run the situation. How are we ever going to have a marriage again if you can't trust me, or let me have friends.

I'd suggest you say "You may have whatever female friendships you wish. I'm not willing to tolerate an inappropriate emotional attachment to another man, if that's indeed all it even is at this point.

Would you be willing to show me your last 10 text messages, sent and received, between you and him?"

If she's not, then I would treat the situation as if she is having a full-blown physical affair at this point, and plan accordingly.

Puppy

[failycrazy23]

Puppy you have great advice and I agree 100%, but how do you do it with children. Because ultimately it is a bluff on my end, she needs to have consequences to her actions, but our son will also share in the consequences. I continue to just go day by day, bending over so that we will have at least the outward appearance of a 'happy family'