So I need some help from you that have been here longer. Tomorrow marks day one of my separation (H is moving out to stay with a friend). This friend lives over an hour away. So when H comes to see the girls (which he wants to do 3 to 4 times a week) often due to the timing he gets off of work, and how far he will be from his place, he will only have like an hour and a half to visit them before their bed time, so it will need to be here at our house.
I want to go "dark" as I'm feeling very much in the final stages and am desperate, yet I have no idea how I do this with knowing I'm going to see him SO much due to our separation situation.
Ideas? We also live 1/2 hour from town, so it's not really an option for him to pick them up, and go somewhere for that hour and a half, he'd drive them an hour of it. See my dilemma?
D6 has t Ball practice Tuesday nights, and H wants to make that a night to see her. Well, tonight as we were dropping the bomb on the kids about his move tomorrow, D6 asked if H would ever be tucking her in at night anymore. And how would she give him butterfly and eskimo kisses? (yeah, I kept having to leave the room crying).
Anyway, he commented that he'd be here at bedtime on Tuesdays and would tuck her in (news to me). so I'm not sure what he's thinking, but I just want to give this separation the best chance possible, yet not be cold.
Man, this is all so calculated, it makes me feel icky.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Hmmmm. That is a tough one. I am in a different sitch since my H and I don't have children together.
Just a suggestion, but is there any way that you could leave the house on the nights he is going to visit? It might make it easier on you, and allow him to see what "single" parenthood is like. It will give him the time with the children, and you get a bit of a break. Go to Starbuck's with a book, see a movie, something like that.
I can't imagine it is easy to go completely dark when you share children, but maybe by minimizing the contact you and your WAS have together, it will make it easier for you to tolerate.
(((Chris)))
I hope it gets easier for you.
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
7, I must say it was comforting to read your post. You are in almost the exact same situation as me. Of course I'm the H who moved out and my W wants the separation, and we started 2 days ago. We also have two kids.
While, I really don't have a suggestion on the distance issue, I will tell you the one thing I learned is YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THERE. I can't stress this enough. Especially this early on. I'm sure you thinking the same thing I was. That maybe if I'm there they will feel something for me, or they will want to talk. In my experience this doesn't happen and you only hurt yourself more for it.
Also rather than going dark I would do the LRT. Basically work on you and try not to think about him or your R right now, it's too early. Work on yourself to become a better person, someone you're happy with.
I'm very new hear so I'm sure others will have much better insight, but I thought I would share.
Lynn
ME: 37 W: 32 S11 D6 Together: 14 yrs. Married: 12 yrs. Previous PA: 8 yrs. ago Previous EA: 1 yr ago
why do you want to go dark? your sitch seems pretty fresh to me, going dark is recommended for abuse and toxic Rs. We all hurt during S, and going dark is sort of a step above the last resort technique.
How will going dark help your sitch right now? what do you mean final stages, it's been 2 months barely? I dont' want to downplay your hurt, for I've BTDT, thought he first 2-3 mths are the hardest that is hardly the end. He is very angry and hurt right now, in time he will calm down and perhaps will rethink this, you giving him the cold shoulder will just confirm your rejection. My suggestion? dont' do it, don't. Be the W he could be coming home to, I don't mean a Stepford wife, but find yourself again and be that confident person he fell in love with. No games, gimmics, sarcasm nor drama. A book that opened my eyes to what I was -unwittingly- doing to my M is "the proper care and feeding of Hs"
Dont' loose hope now, it might look hopeless but the good news is he wants to be involved with the kids, he is willing to come to the house, there are plenty of DB chances there.
Think of your kids, you have to be strong, you are here in this board to fight for your M, dont' give up without a fight, your H might be telling you it's over, forget it, well, they ALL say that, he has to have an excuse to leave (though I've read your old thread and it seems he had to go through a lot). Going dark is not giving this S a chance, you will seem cold if you try to minimize contact with him. Rethink what you are about to do.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
