So, recap: H and I have been separated since 7/07. We talk pretty often, but he is still w/ OW (who he has been with since 6/06). When around me, H wears his wedding band, never talks about OW when he is with me.
For H's 30th birthday, I got him a watch. In which he responded that I obviously know him better than anyone ever has or ever will.
For mother's day, he sent my mom a gift that said, "Happy mother's day to one of my two favorite mothers. Love, ***"
For my birthday, he got me a card (signed it with a heart, H, not Love, H) and concert tickets.
Thursday was the concert. We had lots of fun, I got drunk, started crying, mourning over us. H wasn't phased. While the show was going on, he hugged me from behind, kissing my head and holding me.
I've since decided that we need to talk and just lay everything on on the table. This will be a 180 for me as I NEVER talk about issues, always avoid things.
But, I just realized that today is father's day. last father's day, H ditched me and my family to go hang out with OW.
This is a hard day for me.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I'm so glad you started a new thread, and so sorry today is a hard day. I am really feeling for you- it's a year this weekend since H spent the night away with aubergine......
I think there are some positives in your sitch still- that h wears his ring around you is one. And Thursday sounds really interesting. It's intriguing that he wasn't phased by you getting upset and crying- in fact it sounds as though he stepped up to comfort you. On my thread a few people have advised me to be more open with H about my feelings. Do you think that might be worth trying on your H?
I don't understand your H. Or OW in a way- how can she not be imploding as a result of H spending time with you? Obviously she has loser issues.
OD--so glad you are on. I've been on your thread alot and it took this to finally have me start again.
I DEFINITELY need to express my feelings more. He even said that on Thursday when he was comforting me.
H works so much, I don't think she has any idea that he is seeing me. I'm sure he tells her he is hanging out with a friend or something. I'm sure he takes his wedding band off with her. The only thing that is certain is that I'm still married to him (but, he probably uses our house as a reason why we are still married).
The problem that I have w/ H is that there has been NO change. He has been taking his wedding band on and off since before I found out about OW. Still doing the same thing. Nothing is different.
I feel like I need to make a decision b/c I love him still.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Maybe we can work on expressing our feelings more together? I have a feeling that we're the same- very strong and keep our feelings to ourselves- building walls around ourselves!
Do you think that maybe if you change a little (perhaps by expressing your feelings more) he might change in response? I just wonder if it's worth a go before making a final decision on what to do. If you still love him, it must be worth a little longer, although I know it's wearing isn't it....
It's interesting that she doesn't have any idea H is seeing you. Their R is based on untruths, and seemingly not so much time spent together. I honestly think the ring thing is a positive sign though- maybe he's waiting for a change/sign from you before changing himself. That he still spends so much time with you means he still has feeling for you in there, definitely. We just have to find the key to unlock him!!
Yes, lets try and be more expressive. I have a tendency to procrastinate on my personal feelings and not really "deal" with my feelings. I've always felt I needed to be the strong one.
One thing I want from both of us is to never be desperate. I really want to be strong with who I am. You are right, I am not going to do anything until I'm certain. For now, though, there are things that I know I want to do for myself. Those things are: 1) be honest w/ H about my feelings. 2)I want to move into my own apartment. While H is in limboland, I want to finally live by myself in my own place. (I lived w/ my parents until we got married. Now, I'm in our house still)
I do still love him. I think I'm just a little scared of being hurt again or making a fool of myself by holding on?
L--If I need anything from you it would be a reminder of what I'm doing isn't desperate or wrong. I believe he still has feelings for me somewhere. I just don't want to be made a fool of.
I'm here for you. ((((ONE DAY))))
Running out to my parents for Father's Day. TTYS.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
If it helps, I think you are doing the right thing to do what you believe in. In the end, you may or may not succeed, but please know that you will not be the fool!
Yes, lets try and be more expressive. I have a tendency to procrastinate on my personal feelings and not really "deal" with my feelings. I've always felt I needed to be the strong one.
Me too!! This is like a perfect description of inside my head- I really feel like I need to be the strong one all the time- result, it's very difficult for anyone to get in.
Originally Posted By: Beth 83
For now, though, there are things that I know I want to do for myself. Those things are: 1) be honest w/ H about my feelings. 2)I want to move into my own apartment. While H is in limboland, I want to finally live by myself in my own place. (I lived w/ my parents until we got married. Now, I'm in our house still)
I love both of these goals, both for yourself and the first one for initiating a change in H. I'm going to experiment with the first in my own sitch too (the thought scares the living daylights out of me though!)
Originally Posted By: Beth 83
I think I'm just a little scared of being hurt again or making a fool of myself by holding on?
I'm here for you too Beth. Honestly- I'm so pleased you're posting again. I DO NOT think you're making a fool of yourself by holding on. At all- I do think it takes a lot of strength to open your heart to the possibility of being hurt. Committing to that is in no way foolish- it's the bravest thing you could do. For myself, every time I feel silly for still hoping for me and H, I tell myself that if I gave up, I'd just never know what would have happened if I'd tried/waited just a little longer. As long as there are positives, it's worth it. And we'll know when the right time is to stop (if ever- we are totally going to be success stories!).
I'll totally tell you if I ever change my mind- you know that- and I'm going to rely on you to do the same for me!
(((((((((((Beth))))))))))))) Have a good day with your parents.
Ugh. I just saw that H last texted someone at 2:44 am Thursday night/Friday morning. This was right after he would have dropped me off from the concert. Must have been to OW. Stupid Horse.
I just felt sick. I'm sure he ended his text to her, Love or XOXO. Something I haven't heard from him in a long time. What the heck?! There really has fundamentally been NO change from him. I think that him wearing his ring and seeing me is "same old" with him. I agree, OD, that he still has something for me, but what?! Comfortability? What is crazy is that I know he still thinks I'm pretty...no doubt. I honestly (and I'm not being pompous)don't know what The Horse can be giving him that I couldn't (Probably good sex, b/c that was a HUGE issue with us, but one that was never talked about and could've been fixed). I feel like saying to him...I'm gold and you know that I treat YOU like gold. If you can't see that, then it's your loss. ARGH!
Also, no word today from him in re to my father. On Thursday, he was going up and down as to what he was going to get my dad for Father's Day. And still...nothing. I know my dad is thinking about it.
(((JEFF))) (((OD)))
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I am so glad that you are back!!!!!! WOW, H wasn't phased and held you and kissed your head???!!! that is HUGE!!!!
I am wondering... you keep saying that H hasn't changed at all. Can we brainstorm a list of babysteps from H that would indicate that he was growing and working on himself??? Not R babysteps, but H-for-himself babysteps? comforting you while you were crying is so big, I am wondering... not to defend H here... if he is changing but you might be overlooking the signs???
I am so excited that you and OD are working on expressing your feelings more!!!!!! Can I tell you something good that happened to me? I have been working on *acknowledging and experiencing* my feelings. I had this weird friend situation with a friend who basically told me point blank she didn't want to hear me talk about my R. I was so hurt and angry... but anger is one of the hardest feelings for me to express. I worked on it with a friend of mine, and my counselor, and a couple days ago I thought about the weird friend situation again, and I realized, my anger was GONE. So apparently, when I let myself FEEL the feeling, eventually, it REALLY DOES change and dissipate... so counterintuitive to me!!!
I am sorry to hear about H's retarded late night text to probably OW. Beth darling, are you sure checking his phone records is helping ... ????
What you are doing is NOT foolish or desperate or wrong. Beth you really are standing up for what you believe in, and you are growing SO much!!!
I am sorry to hear about H's retarded late night text to probably OW. Beth darling, are you sure checking his phone records is helping ... ????
Nope. They don't help at all.
Isn't it strange how we can drop into confusion so fast? I'm sitting her so upset at H also b/c he hasn't done anything for my dad yet for Father's Day. On Thursday, he was ALL ABOUT getting my dad something. When I said, you're going to get my dad something. He responded, shocked..."Of COURSE BETH! stop. of course I would!" and lo and behold. Nothing yet.
