What do they do to those guys in the seminary? Or are they already warped when they enter? I know so many guys who left, who are just lost boys--can't commit to anything or anyone except intellectually.
So--any tips for when we go to therapy? I have it on good authority that the MC we're going to see can see thru the BS. I'm no stranger to therapy, therapeutic language and theory myself, but I feel like I have to go in and set the tone. Something along the lines of--he has had significant personality changes over the past couple of months, sees things in absolutes, appears to need a change in every area of his life; I want to work on the marriage, but recognize that nothing can happen as long as there is an OW and recognize that he is unlikely to end that A to work on the marriage in the near future; I'm not interested in finding out how we got to this point but rather in finding solutions; I don't want a divorce and I think it's far too early in this crisis to make those kinds of plans.
I know I'm in for a long haul, and I am not sure I have the stamina for the fight. But one day at a time, get my life together and do what I need to do for D and myself.
I am also a little concerned about him still being highly recommended for the next step in priesthood formation; his discernment committee knows none of this, his pastor is aware (I've talked with him) and he's been told that none of this will stand in his way. Good grief--what if he murdered someone or something? Would that slow down the process? I know this is basically irrelevant right now to me, but still it makes me wonder about the integrity of the process.
Yes, the mini-marathon is a nice one. Glad you enjoyed it. Indy has come a long way in the past 20 years or so.
Good ideas about taking care of myself. Actually, I won a silent auction bid at our festival for a makeup lesson with THE makeup artist in the area. I've been intimidated about even walking into the place, but I've quit wearing makeup because my face is so different in the past 5 years! I know--weird, isn't it. The women will understand, guys think I'm nutty. But I'm not feeling especially attractive right now, and this is a good time for cashing in my gift card. My hair is so short that I don't think anyone could find any place to cut it, so I'll have to give that one some time. Considering a massage but funds are limited. Also thinking about decluttering my house and rearranging things to suit me; that could be therapeutic too.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I've known so many of those guys. Nuns too. I wanted to be a nun. But institutions attract people with really deep rooted problems. I've loved so many of them dearly, but the life doesn't help them, it seems to make it worse. But then people get pretty screwed up in marriages as we've seen, too.
People are hurting and they try to get their needs met in the oddest ways, it seems
This is going to take a lot of patience on your part.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
It's ok to splurge once in awhile, your mental/emotional health is as important as your other bills....and sometimes pampering is just the ticket.
Massage schools sometimes offer free massage. Massage therapists have to donate x amount of time.
If you do most of your own mani/pedi, salons can paint them for you for $5/$10 depending on if you want color or french.
A wonderful relatively cheap mask, (I figured this one out after looking at the ingredients of an aveda mask)....buy a small tube of CLEAR aloe vera, and a bottle of glycerin....or bottle of glycerin and rosewater. (If you just bought glycerin, and have a few extra dollars, buy a bottle of rosewater or orange flower water (my favorite)). Mix a dollop of aloe vera gel with an equal amount (or less) of glycerin....add the waters if you want.....smooth on your face for about five minutes, rinse off.
Glycerin and rose or orange water makes an awesome moisturizer...it's unique because it will feel like water, just pat it on. It's a humectant, so it draws the water out of the air to moisturize.....glycerin is the basis of most popular lotions.
Mary Kay, BeautiControl, Aihu, and others will give you one on one demonstrations and freebies.
Ayurveda practices really teach you to care for yourself. You don't betray your Christianity to do them: Yoga. Body brushes. You can google those practices....especially morning and evening routines. What's more important than what you actually do is that you do them.
Your H and this other W are pretty indulgent in a sense in the same way....reaching out to these other spiritualities....nurturing their own deeper level needs.
Your taking exceptional care of yourself could lure him back.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
You are my new best friend!! Thanks for the ideas, they got me thinking about some other ideas as well.
I've noticed recently that men seem to go ga-ga for high-maintenance women. I never noticed that before (not very observant, I guess!) and I've always tried to be as low-maintenance as possible. Must have been how I raised myself; also I was single for a long time and without family connections since 22, so I just learned to fend for myself. Initially this was quite a conundrum for me--why would guys like self-centered women? Then it dawned on me--because they exude postive self-esteem, they demand to be treated well so they are, and all of that is attractive. Not to mention the good hair, nice clothes, mani- and pedicures, expert make-up--those are attractive too. Women like me, who are too busy taking care of everyone else to do much for themselves, become invisible; we may be loved for what we do, but not for who we are. I probably would've made a good nun. I have a little note hanging on my computer, can't remember who said it--"the spirit we bring, not the work we do, makes us important to others." It's been hanging there for 6 years, and I finally get it.
Shortly before all of this transpired (which seems like years ago but was really only a couple of months) I began learning Healing Touch. It's an amazing thing, fits well with my ministry. I think that one of the things I will do for myself is find a friend who does HT and ask to receive it.
My H has always been good at taking care of himself--not only is he a guy, but the youngest son in an Italian family, so he's entitled to it, by God. He's so good at it that I often haven't had time for myself because I'm forever picking up the slack. The funny thing is that I don't experience him as a spiritual person lately. It's all an intellectual exercise for him, a set of techniques or theories--and with the OW, right now he'd probably worship a golden calf if it would get him closer to her. So I don't think it's necessarily that he's open to other spirituality, but more that he's running as fast as he can away from Catholicism, away from me, away from whatever doesn't make him feel he's special and unique and wonderful. And marriage sometimes feels like life's not blowing you kisses, because it's hard work. I think that MLC is just a narcissistic personality with the brakes off.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
"I think that MLC is just a narcissistic personality with the brakes off. " .... I love that.
"Shortly before all of this transpired (which seems like years ago but was really only a couple of months) I began learning Healing Touch. It's an amazing thing, fits well with my ministry. I think that one of the things I will do for myself is find a friend who does HT and ask to receive it. "
That is an awesome idea. Two years ago I found out I had colorectal cancer, had surgery, and a friend gave me a gift certificate for a massage therapist here at work. That therapist also does reiki and she offered to work on me free while I was recovering and even after for awhile. It was amazing. Now I have a great yoga teacher (at our YMCA) and that's really helpful for me right now.
What is your ministry?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Didn't see your thread in newcomers but it caught my eye here.
Definitely, work on those things you mentioned about the clutter and the make-up lesson. Anything that makes you feel good about you and boosts your self esteem.
Did you go to the MC session yet? If not, try to keep an open mind and not go in there with what you know.
Other than that, I would say in regards to your H, be agreeable, friendly, you say you have been low maintenance well, start a 180 there and do some high maintenance things. Grow your hair get some different clothes and shoes. You say funds are low so start slow.
For you, go and do some things you may not normally do. What is something you have always been interested in but didn't get the chance to do?
Also, as SG suggested seek out your neighbours and other friends. My one neighbour was great when my H first left me. Invited me to dinner and her parties, over for a glass of wine, etc.
My big thing in the begging was to make a goal list. Big and small goals broken down into doable tasks. That helped me to focus on something.
The giddiness your H feels now will pas, it always does so just bide your time. I know it's hard but it helps to stay busy.
Make up your GAL list, follow it and add things as you think of them.
