Is this a strange reason for a Separation?

[lynn97]

So last night was the first night of our trial Separation. It was very hard on me. I came home from work, she said goodbye to the kids and left.

The reason we are getting separated is both her and her C agree that she needs some space to be her own person. She went from her fathers house to mine and never had an opportunity to be independent. She has been quite unhappy for sometime and thinks that she needs to fix herself before she can work on us. And with me around I cloud her judgment and try to fix her and that doesn't help. We've decided to only talk about R issues on Sunday nights, other than that no contact and no R talk.

So I've started re-reading Michele's books. I've jumped into LRT and am doing my best to stay strong. I'm just not sure if I should be so aloof. I want to help her grow, but I shouldn't right?

If I'm doing LRT should I even discuss our R on the designated day? Or let her do all of the talking? I'm so confused.

Lynn

[WAWed]

Hi Lynn,

It's crushing when then walk out, sorry you are going through this.

Don't think aloof is where to aim, more like lovingly withdraw. You can only help if she wants you to help and if right now she doesn't, its really important to respect that.

I think the general consenseus is that R talk is to avoided unless she brings it up, if she does and I can't understate how vital this is..listen and validate..do not try to fix or make excuses.

Unless your are one of the lucky few that gets a quick turnaround , this will most probably take a while, buckle up and use this time to improve yourself and your life.

One final tip, when you do see her make an effort to push one of her postive buttons each and every time - comment on her hair, her clothes or whatever you know works.

[Bridgestone]

Hi Lynn,
Find her love language, speak it when you get a chance. It may be words of affirmation as WAWed mentions above, it may be acts of service, gifts, or just time spent with her.

This is her journey, she will view your help right now as anything but that, and it will prolong the process.

When she talks R with you validate, validate, validate.

use the time inbetween to view your role in the R, in how it has affected how she feels now & see if you can see the R. through her eyes.

If she tells you things she wishes were different, if you can do them for you.. do them.. we WAW notice.

It's going to be really hard for you to not tell her what you want right now, but resist the urge. We view it as pressure and pull farther away. She wants to focus on meeting her needs right now, not feel guilty that she is not meeting yours. Guilt drives us further away.

Peace to you.

[lynn97]

Thank you all for the reply. I really appreciate it, it helps.

I had a huge setback today at our meeting. I ended up breaking down and asking about her EA, talking about our relationship, everything I'm not supposed to do in LRT. I did manage to apologize for my actions, but I messed up pretty bad.

One other question. We are supposed to talk R on a specific day. I'm wondering if I should only talk if she wants to, and if she doesn't I should leave it at that?

Lynn

[Bridgestone]

Thank you all for the reply. I really appreciate it, it helps.

[quote=lynn97]I had a huge setback today at our meeting. I ended up breaking down and asking about her EA, talking about our relationship, everything I'm not supposed to do in LRT. I did manage to apologize for my actions, but I messed up pretty bad.

Everyone is human, we all do things we 'know' we're not suppose to do. Give yourself a pat on the back for the apology, recognizing that you made a mistake, learn from it and move on. Just out of curiousity though, what was her reaction to this?

One other question. We are supposed to talk R on a specific day. I'm wondering if I should only talk if she wants to, and if she doesn't I should leave it at that?

The talk on the specific day was her idea was it not? If she wants to talk about it and you feel you can do so (which to me means both listening & sharing) in a way that is productive, (what ever that means to you), then let her talk her emotions of it out first!!

When you have heard her all the way through, validated, THEN ask her if she is able to listen to your POV all the way through... if she is not, then you'll have to decide if you want to keep listening without sharing back.

This is what worked for my H & I early on. I needed to have him hear me without the expectation that I had to hear him (at first). Not sure what your wifes expecations are. Your milage may vary.

[Sara]

I'm curious about this separation. Is there an agreement about whether or not the two of you can date others while you are separated?

[LolaL]

Hi Lynn...if it makes you feel any better, we all say and do the wrong things at time. Just jump back on the band wagon.

I think the best piece of advice I can offer is to take this time to work on you. That seems very difficult at times, because we all want to make the WAS feel better. But you matter too. It matters that you are hurt, and confused, and want something more than what can be offered. The trick is not to talk to your W about that, but someone else. The best remedy I had was seeing a C. In the matter of four weeks, I feel so much better. That may be what you need right now. Also, the people here understand exactly what you are going through, because we are ALL going through it or have been through it. So when you need that extra boost, post. You will get valuable understanding in a way that no one else can give it.

(((Lynn))) one more thing...remember to breath.

Lola

[mkultra]

Hi I am sorry about your separation. Please stay positive and follow the advice above. There may be no quick fix and you will have to be very patient. Think of your Northern Star!

[lynn97]

Thanks for all of the kind words everyone.

Just out of curiousity though, what was her reaction to this?

She mostly shut down, said little and just looked upset

I'm curious about this separation. Is there an agreement about whether or not the two of you can date others while you are separated?

Yes we did say we would not have a relationship with anyone else. Unfortunately this is probably too vague for my situation. She was having an EA with one of my friends. Once I helped her realize this she decided to keep the friendship but be aware where the line was and not cross it again. They now talk more than ever before

So today was another day. I picked the kids up in the morning and went to the zoo for fathers day. I saw my wife but kept very upbeat and positive and felt really good about it. I and the kids had a great time. I kept the W out of my head and it was a great feeling.

Then when we got back she wasn't at home. I called her and told her we were home. My 4 year old was really throwing a fit and not wanting to "end daddies day" Absolutely broke my heart. She heard it and asked if she needed to come home. I told her no that I would handle it (I didn't want to seem like I couldn't handle my own child).

I had in my mind that she would already be home and that I would look like the great father and be happy and prove to her that I could talk to her w/o bringing up R stuff. Anyway since this was blown I started feeling down. I called her to see WHEN she would be home and she said a couple hours. This upset me a little since I was tired and really needed to go home and lay down. I latter called her and asked he if she could come home sooner because I was so tired. She hesitated...a lot. I immediately started thinking that she was with the OM and flipped even more. Later she called and said she was on her way home and I again I apologized for not being able to make it to the kids bedtime. She said that was fine she was just at the nail salon and had to wait until they were done. I felt like crap then. I really have to stop obsessing over the EA but it's so hard. It really could be just friends and not an EA.

Anyway that's the update. Tomorrow's is my day off from the kids so for better or worse I probably won't have any contact with her.

Lynn

[Dom R]

So I've started re-reading Michele's books. I've jumped into LRT and am doing my best to stay strong.

Lynn,

for some reason, almost everyone wants to "jump into LRT".

Lets spell out what that actually is:

"Last Resort Technique".
as in, "Try this, only AFTER you've tried everything else".
Have you already tried everything else in the book, for at least a month?