separated 9 months and counting

[cat03]

oic, I didn't know it was that long, thought it was only a few wks.

Hope you find a good C for your son soon.

[picasso]

yeah, see....its a whole diff pic when you realize i've been going through this hell for almost a year now.

[nerraw]

I'm in the same boat as you just 5 months behind. Trust me I agree it's hard. She said in the beginning she wanted a divorce not a separation and then I waited 60days and nothing so I asked her again where she stands and same thing. It's been 3 weeks since that last conversation and no paperwork. She is a teacher and starts back to school in less then 4 weeks so I was expecting to her to file before the school year starts. I can't help but think that her delaying is just her working through it but then again who knows. I've started the LRT and it seems to be working. The first couple days are hell but it's gotten easier as the days go on. When she does call I take the time to catch up but I no longer go out of my way to contact her. We have a 18month old so I have to pick him up from her place occasionally but besides that there should be no contact. She still calls about once every 5 days whether it's just something quick or something important it generally turns into a good conversation about the days happenings. Still miss her dearly and feel it all can be worked out but it now rest on her shoulders. So don't worry we are all in the same boat. Like my grandpa always said why get a new boat when the old boat can be repaired. Even if it's sunk you can still pull it out of the depths and repair it. Good luck.

[picasso]

Thanks. It's just getting harder and harder to keep the faith. She has a myspace webpage that she posts pictures to all the time, although she keeps her profile private.

A few days ago, she posted a pic of herself, our son, and some other guy. Today, she changed it to a pic of herself in a bikini with out son sleeping on her lap.

I think its plain she's trying to send me a message, and the message is "Move on already...I have."

I cannot help how I feel though. She is my wife. We were together for 13 years (married for 6) when she left. I can't just get over her like that. She's a part of who and what I am.

The ONLY good point is that she still has not gotten her wedding dress, computer, etc from my house. She has been working a LOT of overtime lately though...and I smell a rat.

Something is up, and I hate not knowing what is going on. I just wish I could get in her head and know what the hell she's thinking...if we have any chance at all or not, you know?

My life is on hold, I cry on almost a daily basis over her, and I dont know what else to do.

I only contact her when I have to, or to talk to our son on the phone. I want to tell her SO badly that I love her and that I'm sorry, but in my gut, I know it would be a bad idea..because I know what she would say. She would say "I dont love you anymore and I wish you would see this."

Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing all of this in vain..that the only thing that it happening is that it keeps me hanging onto false hope.

[picasso]

Alright, just turned 301 days separated, and nothing looks like it is going to change.

This bit of hope I've been holding onto is getting thinner and thinner.

She recently asked me to be a volunteer coach for our 3 year-old's soccer team, which I agreed to.

We had a conversation a few nights ago in which I sincerely appoligized for huring her in the past. She seemed to listen, but I dont think it makes a difference to her anymore.

I carry a lot of guilt for doing to her what I did (recap: I'm bipolar), and I feel absolutely HORRIBLE for it, but the reality is there's nothing I can do about the past except make it clear to her how sorry I am, make a promise to keep doing what I'm doing to get betteer, and show her I'm not the same anymore.

I'm on the verge of giving up.

[picasso]

Alright, just turned 301 days separated, and nothing looks like it is going to change.

This bit of hope I've been holding onto is getting thinner and thinner.

She recently asked me to be a volunteer coach for our 3 year-old's soccer team, which I agreed to.

We had a conversation a few nights ago in which I sincerely appoligized for huring her in the past. She seemed to listen, but I dont think it makes a difference to her anymore.

I carry a lot of guilt for doing to her what I did (recap: I'm bipolar), and I feel absolutely HORRIBLE for it, but the reality is there's nothing I can do about the past except make it clear to her how sorry I am, make a promise to keep doing what I'm doing to get betteer, and show her I'm not the same anymore.

I'm on the verge of giving up.

[nerraw]

You have to balance giving up and keeping on trying. It's hard but I've come to realize that this is the only way I can make it through the day. Yes I love my wife and I would kill to be back under the same roof as her but I also know that at this point it's not my choice to go forward with the relationship. I've stopped trying and started living. I make the most of the time we do share together. I took her and the kid to breakfast on Sunday. It was a great time but I'm not scheduling things with her. If it happens it happens if it doesn't yeah it sucks but no need to let it ruin my day. If she shows signs of wanting to work things out I would be there in a heart beat. I also know that the chance of that happening at the current time is very slim. Now who is to say it may or may not happen down the road. I'm just not going to let it rule my life or decisions. I say enjoy your somewhat "singleness". Go on a vacation to some place she wouldn't want to to (yes I have tickets to the most of the Rangers games for the rest of the season my type of vacation). Buy a new TV and an Xbox 360 (it's for therapy I swear). Just do something for yourself. I see this as a time to somewhat enjoy. No pressure to date and no pressures of day to day marriage (just that overwhelming feeling of impending doom ... great isn't it). Enjoy your reprieve just a little. Just don't go out and start dating quite yet. It's not worth it. I swear women smell blood and they are coming out of the woodworks to try and get me to go out. Thank God for that 360 it keeps me from getting in trouble. Like my dad always says life sucks get a helmet. Just protect your head and keep it in the game and everything will be fine.

Well I'm off to enjoy the wonderful Texas weather it's going to be 104 today. Nothing like managing an un-airconditioned warehouse in Texas in the middle of July.

[Nugget]

picasso, read through your thread here and I do feel your pain. I just passed the one year mark being apart from my wife. Take what I am going to type, as an observation that you hopefully will take to heart and apply into your life. One thing that keeps resurfacing to me in your post is the neediness that you have for your wife to be in your day to day life. You seem to spend a lot of time dwelling on the feelings you have for her (getting emotional when you see her at her apartment, crying on a daily basis, etc.). I am not saying this is wrong or bad, but it seems to be consuming you. What are you doing for yourself. Are you building your own life, personality, identity or are you still living the married life, but with no wife? You have got to be you and live for you, not for the past and what was, but for what will and can be. I am not telling you to push your feelings for her aside, but to build your own identity. I bet your wife will find that more attractive then how she views you now. Even if you do not speak in words to your wife on how you feel and you do not tell her verbally that you miss her and that when you leave her apartment it crushes you, she can see it. Our thoughts, feeling emotions are not only expressed through our words, but through our body language, tone of voice, facial expressions etc. So even though you are not speaking how you feel verbally, I promise you that you are showing it. We are what we feel and it shows. No matter how hard you try, it shows. What are you showing her? Needy, clingy, wimpy? Or strong, confident, self-respecting?

[nerraw]

Nugget hit on exactly what I was saying. I've noticed that ever since I've stopped groveling and just let her be and let her take the reigns on any relationship discussions I've seen some turn around on her side. Now I don't believe she is coming back quite yet or if ever but it's nice to know that she may be considering it. The biggest thing that I've told myself since I finally let go was She doesn't make the sun rise but just makes it shine a little brighter. Life goes on with or without her. Yes it will be different but different isn't always bad. I know I'm not looking forward to being single again but remember their is always one benefit to a guy being single no one yells anymore about the seat being up At this point that may be the only positive I see in being single but hey at least it's a start.