Thank you, Hoos, for helping to point out the things that I seem to be getting right when I question it all, especially with regards to the kids.
I do find myself not taking the little joys for granted, either. I think I have always taken time to "smell the roses," tuck memories away in my forever box when I have a joyful moment. I tend to remember in pictures and scenes (artist in me). A random one, for example, happened when x and I were driving down a random road in town, and out on someone's lawn were three kids, running and laughing the unaffected laugh of children. The leader was holding the string to a kite, while the other two ran close behind, each waving a small fan! It was like a scene out of a Norman Rockwell painting. I didn't know the kids, the family, etc., but that vision of pure joy has stayed with me for about 20 years.
My children are the very reason I am alive today, and I will be forever grateful for having them in my life.
My IC gave me two new goals for myself. One, to think up lots of new family "traditions" for the kids and I, making things special, and to make the new stuff fun and exciting. (D and I had a "girls' day" today: painted our nails, shared in making lunch for a picnic in the backyard, played badminton with the puppy trying to be monkey in the middle, laughing our heads off, played Shoots n Ladders, did our hair, etc). The other is to set some boundaries with x, in regards to the visitation, and the manner in which he speaks to me. The next time I hear a flash of anger from him, I will simply say that he can talk to me after he has calmed down, and hang up. That is, if we ever get on the phone. There was a brief call today about getting the kids that seemed to go well: very brief and cordial. I am still in awe that my interactions with him went from the most intimate to the most superficial, in such a short span of time.
Good for you! Celebrate the little things. I wish you'd been MY mom!! The girls' day sounds great. And it's the small things that they'll remember--and you too, it sounds like!
Sounds like your IC gave you some good ideas for goals. I'll bet that you'll achieve them in record time, and they will become part of your life. No excuse for your X to be short-tempered with you; he got what he "wanted," he ought to just grow up!
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I came your way through trip. I have read through your post today and i truely admire your spirit and couragtiouness(SP)you are a very strong lady and i only hope when my time comes (probably sooner rather than later)that i can be as strong as you.
My 8 yer this morning asked me if i was still friends with his dad and i said yes. The 4 yr old then piped up, so why doesn't he love you anymore?......
I'm waiting for the time that H exposes the kids to OW, they know her atm as a friend bot as X GF.
keep with the positives vibes.
X Evie.
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I'm cracking it this weekend while the kids are camping with x and the Boy Scouts.
Is it the one titled: The Co-Parenting Survival Guide by Thayer and Zimmerman?
Thanks for stopping in, Evie (even though the format for your dates has this blonde a bit confused )
Its been a hellova ride! Just told my sitch in a nutshell at the divorce support group I go to with the kids.
There is a very nice man there, divorced in Feb, who got the same BS story as I did (took him only 3 months to discover that the real reason his spouse wanted a D was because of an affair; took me 8). His kids are in the same age range as mine. Think it would make things weird for me to email him and ask if he has plans for fireworks? He said that the only new update he has, is how hard he is finding it to come home to his big house after work when it is empty, how he had always been such a family guy, helping with the kids' homework, dinner, putting them to bed, and how he missed it.... He asked if any of us had tried any online dating sites. I'd be ok with even becoming friends, but I also think he is attractive and has good qualities, so might have potential for more.
OK, I'm not really enjoying this part--I'm not supposed to have to try to figure out the single and dating life NOW, when I never really had one before (I only dated x).
just checking in on you. not sure what to say about the guy. h keeps asking me why I didn't date/see someone/sleep with someone while we were apart and for me, until I was whole and healed, it felt too band-aid to me, with too much potential for complications (don't mean because of h, more that it would be too easy to slip into another co-d R). but that's just me, I have seen others who are really successful at it. and I know you aren't necessarily talking dating here yet.
anyway, glad to hear you are doing so well. keep it up, donna. hope you have a wonderful summer creating those new memories!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Just stopping by to say hi. The guy in your divorce group reminds me of me. I'm pretty sure my W. has been having an affair with her boss for over two years now as well. I'm just not sure what they are looking for. The family was the center of my very existence. I don't know how anyone can do this to a family.
I draw inspiration from you since you told me about going for a "rest" just like I did. It's inspirational to see where you have come.
hmmm, I wonder where is he at in terms of healing, if he is yearning to have someone RIGHT now, then it is not the time to be searching for someone. I also had my yearnings and was making plans of how I'd get a date or which sites I'd go to... but then I decided to wait, to be still and make sure I was in a good place mentally.
His D is pretty recent, I dont' know, was he S from his W before that? if not, then he needs more time (in my case we were pretty much S while he lived with me since last summer and when the D comes next year I'd have about 1.5yr on my own, a 1.5yr of healing behind me.)
And yes, that's the book, quiz on Monday
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I understand all of the theories on "healing." A lot of theory for one-size-its-all. Nothing can tell YOU exactly what to do.
I definitely suggest you open the door to friendship with this gentleman. I am certain he, like you, needs to know there are good people out there. It could be very good for both of you to share your experiences. My friend Teresa was very helpful to me in this way.
I know it is hard at times but I would focus on getting to know him before involving any romantic entanglements. Who knows? You could be friends for a while and end up dating....
Take Care,
NMD
"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last --more than passion or even sex!" - Simone Signoret
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