Sex and Separation....... Discuss!

[7 Year Itch]

Thoughts, experiences? Yay or nay? WE've had more sex since the bomb in the last 2 months, but H is getting ready to move out next Monday.

I don't know if it will even be an issue, but I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. Part of me thinks no, because well, we are separated ,and I don't want to be reduced to a "booty call". The other part thinks...... any form of intimacy can only help, right?

Help. Please tell me your experiences.

Chris

[LolaL]

I am not sure how to answer this one, because I think if my H asked for sex, I would probably do it. Oh heck, no probably, there, I would. But my H has an ED problem, so even when I did bring the issue up once, he didn't speak to me for a week, and then we had a huge blowout. We are tentatively still recovering from that.

Of course, for me it would be different, I think, than it would for him. I have found that, in my personal experience, I enjoy sex more with the person I am in love with, so I know it would be an emotional connection, and frankly, I miss just touching him.

I don't suppose that is much help, but I am not sure what the answer to that one is!

(((Chris)))

[girlfromipanema]

My motto is "just do it". Unless there is an active affair going on, of course.

I am slightly conflicted about it, but to me it seems worth the risk of 'being used' to keep some sort of connection going.

That's just my point of view.

Hang in there 7YI.

[minkerman]

We "did it" for the first few months we were separated, then decided not to, since it was putting W's head in a weird place (no pun intended).

Since we have gotten back together, we have cooled down to once a week or so, with a bit of playing around in between, but I think that the sex we had while separated showed her (and me) that it could be passionate, energetic and wonderful. Very different from how we were just before separating (like once a month if we were lucky).

So, if it feels good, do it. If there's any weirdness, stop. It's really your decision.

[ms ladybug]

Well, we've been having sex off/on during the sep. For me, it was a way to connect. With such hurt, and no way of being able to get around the muck, we could have sex, and connect that way.
Things are at a crossroads with us now, so I don't know what I would do...who am I kidding, I'd jump his bones.

[james85395]

I am in your same sitch. Wife is more sexual now then in the last four years of our M. She is always sure to tell me that this doesn't change anything. I always say I understand, but am hoping that for inside it does start to open her heart back up to me. Another thing we talk more and have a great time together. We are better friends now as well. This really sucks because this is all I wanted when we were M and it takes until now for her to give it to me.
The other day she hit a low though. She asked if I met anyone when I was at a party the night before. I told her I talked to someone but thats all. Thing is she brought this conversation up while we were ML. Good news is she kept asking more questions about it the rest of the day. Maybe a little jealous. Who Knows.

[Astimegoeson]

Attraction is 50% of a healthy relationship IMHO. If that part of the relationship is still sparking, then I think you have a better than average chance of repairing the relationship if you can address the other 50% outside the bedroom.

I would have settled for just being a "booty call" after our separation, but I wasn't offered that opportunity. I mean, she was more than welcome to use me in that sense and I let her know that. No strings attached, I'm your booty man, do what I can type thing. Strangely enough though, I think she would have thought of sex with me as cheating on her OM who wasn't able to do anything with her in that regard anyway due to his circumstances. I think we would have had a better chance at reconciliation if that aspect of our relationship was still there, but sadly, it was one of the catalyst for our total "disconnect" after a long period of time. Even I lost my appetite for her sexually after many month.

[jon2911]

Great topic! Got my attention at least.

I agree with MWD on this one: it's an emotional connection. Sometimes works when nothing else does. Positives really seem to outweigh negatives to this one. There may be misgivings of "booty call" or "cake-eating", but it depends on the sitch. Bottom line, I don't feel guilty for having sex with my wife, even if she's chosen to be separated. And of course, she'll say things like "this doesn't change anything". I'll just let her keep believing that

MWD:
___________________________________________________________________
Many times people wonder whether or not to have sex with their estranged spouses. Here's my response:

As I always say in my seminars, there are no single, one-size-fits-all solutions to any situation, this situation included. However, I do have some thoughts about the issue of having sex with your spouse when separated either physically or emotionally and/or if there is another person in the picture.

For starters, if you do decide to be physical, it's essential to use caution and be smart about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases.

Having said that, let's explore the emotional side of things. If your spouse is interested in being sexual but shows ambivalence about or even disinterest in your marriage, it makes sense that you might feel uncertain about being close physically. You might worry about feeling used or cheapened in some way. IF this is an overriding feeling, don't do it. However, I look at it another way.

Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.

I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

One word of caution. If you've been intimate with your commitment-phobic spouse for a long time and nothing improves, it's time to rethink your actions. Your relationship may have become too comfortable. Perhaps s/he is taking things for granted. Time to consider a change.

Michele
_________________________
The Divorce Buster

[HeartScared]

Man I should have came over to this forum a long time ago.

So hubby has been 1/2 way gone 11 months. He is around a lot though. Watches the kids while I go to work. We spend all the holidays together that he is not working.

Ofcourse we are still intimate. LOL! Yes I have heard the "this does not change anything." "we are just having sex." I also get questioned if I am seeing anyone during these times and he tends to get upset if the answer is too vauge. There is A LOT of passion between us and I think its good for us because like others have said there is the connection there.

He lives alone so its not just in our home but "over there" as well.

My question is how long is too long? Michelle mentions that if its been going on for awhile and there is no change that it needs to be rethought. What do you think too long is?

[ms ladybug]

I think too long depends on what else is going on. Michelle refers to too long as if that's the ONLY thing happening, and no improvements anywhere else. It's all individual as well. I think it's something you'll know.