My situation is unique and no one will understand. I'm alone on this one and will just have to figure it out. At least those were feelings until I came across this web site and forum.
I had what I thought was a happy marriage until my wife told me that she loves me but is not in love with me and that she no longer wanted to be married. My first thought was where did all of this come from? And, how did we get here?
I'll be the first to admit that I had not been a model husband and father for the first few years of our marriage, but from 2002 until February 2008, I thought I had turned all of that around. However, according to my wife, I discovered that I had only turned the being a good father part around in 2002. The being a good husband part didn't come until last summer/fall sometime. The thing that really upsets me is that I have become the father and husband that my wife has always wanted, but now she tells me she thinks its too late and that she doesn't want to be married to me [or anyone] anymore.
On the positive side, my wife likes me now, but as a good friend with benefits rather than as a husband. She jokes with me all the time and tells me I'll make a great second husband. Some consolation considering I currently make a great first husband.
My wife does have an OM, of which they are attracted to each other. But, as she has made clear to me and to him, she is not looking to divorce me so she can be with him. She is at a place in her life where, with the exception of our kids, she would like to be on her own. And, if she were to be on her own, she would love to date her OM as well as me.
I have read the first chapter of DR [still waiting for my copy to arrive] and learned how people close to the WAW [or WAS] tend to favor their side; basically telling them whatever they think will make the situation better for that person. My wife's mother was prime example of this; however, my wife's OM is telling her that she should work it out with me. That he values their friendship more than a relationship and that what he is going through with his wife is not worth it. My wife's OM is going through a lot of problems with his marriage and his job and my wife and I have been there for him, supporting him all the way. The screwed up thing is I like my wife's OM and he likes me. The three of us get along great when we have gotten together.
Anyways, my wife is sleeping in the guest bedroom. We have talked about getting an outside place where we could swap out so our kids can continue to live at home, but for now, we have decided living together in the same house is in the best interests of the kids. My wife and I get along better now than we ever have, but I still get the ILYBNILWY [very depressing]. I try to stay busy to keep my mind off of things. I hope my wife and I can eventually work out our problems so that she will love me as a husband again, but she still remains doubtful.
We text each other quite a bit [each of us equally initiating], we have been having the best sex we have ever had in our marriage (frequently too, 3 sometimes 4 times a week), she sometimes likes to sleep with me, we workout together (have been since 10/07 prior to the bomb), and we sincerely enjoy each other's company. I try to give her her space, even though it is hard sometimes because we live in the same house. We talk about our situation pretty often, even though it never gets us anywhere and is makes both of us sad.
I never thought I would be in a situation like this. I like to think there is hope, but sometimes I just don't know if she will ever want me as her husband again.
Anyways, that is my not so unique [as I discovered] situation.
Sorry you're here and no, your situation isn't unique unfortunately. You can get lots of good advice on these boards though.
Just an FYI - this forum is for spouses who have walked away. You might consider posting your thread over in Infidelity or Newcomers, where there are a lot more people in similar situations and who check in more often.
dzd, I'm in an almost-identical situation, but there's no OP in mine. Right after the bomb, my H & I were re-connecting and having better and more frequent sex than we'd had in years. H said just because we enjoyed each other, had good sex, shared the same sense of humor, etc, it didn't mean he had the "right feelings" he needed in order to stay in our M. So he withdrew everything--no more sex, no more affection, no more dates.
H is still trying to get it together to actually move out and it's very stressful. He refused to participate in MC. It's extremely confusing. The way I see it, being good friends with benefits is EXACTLY what one should want/expect of a long-term M with kids--but these foolish spouses of ours fixate on some feeling that's missing, yet refuse to do anything to rekindle that romance.
What does your W think of her actions in terms of the effect on your kids?
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
The way I see it, being good friends with benefits is EXACTLY what one should want/expect of a long-term M with kids--but these foolish spouses of ours fixate on some feeling that's missing, yet refuse to do anything to rekindle that romance.
That is exactly what I think. What is wrong with being married to your best friend? She seems to think something is missing [just like your husband], but for the past few months has not been able to figure it out. She thinks the only way for her figure it out is for her to be on her own, but she won't leave because of the kids and for financial reasons.
I know she has these feelings with her OM. I can't help the fact that we don't have the newness of being together like she has with her OM. The newness wears off after 16 years and two kids.
Originally Posted By: lovemyguy
What does your W think of her actions in terms of the effect on your kids?
She is very worried about how her actions will affect the kids. That's the main reason for her not leaving.
In most cases an EA is worse than a PA because all the emotional energy needed to address the problems in your M is being directed towards someone else.
In most cases an EA is worse than a PA because all the emotional energy needed to address the problems in your M is being directed towards someone else.
My wife's EA is draining on our relationship IMO. I hate my wife's EA. I am working on getting my wife to come to me, but she tells me it's hard to talk to me because for so many years, I was not there for her. I can't argue with her on that. As hard as it is, my strategy is patience.
I thought about taking your advice and posting this thread in Newcomers. I thought this forum was for WASs as well as LBSs.
AFAIK this forum is for WAS to support each other. Some LBSs come here to seek advice and it's helpful to participate here to get an idea of what your W might be thinking.
You should keep posting here if you want, but there is a lot more activity on Infidelity and Newcomers, so more people will be stopping by and reading your thread in those forums.
AFAIK this forum is for WAS to support each other. Some LBSs come here to seek advice and it's helpful to participate here to get an idea of what your W might be thinking.
You should keep posting here if you want, but there is a lot more activity on Infidelity and Newcomers, so more people will be stopping by and reading your thread in those forums.
Just my $.02.
lodo
Advice taken. My thread is now posted in the Newcomers forum.
