Spouse and I have been living apart a year now. He says he loves me but is frightened of the marriage(and the divorce-we got as far as nisi and he suggested a pause)and of not being able to leave"I couldnt go through that again" We have seen each other every so often and things are fine as long as I dont mention the relationship.Had some counselling around Christmas but he never opened up. He has an emotional affair with OW dumped her last January but pined-then I got bomb in May. We have been married 28 years. I truly think he doesnt want to let me go but is confused "I dont know if we could live as man and wife" and OW is still around though he lives alone. I blew it 4 weeks ago and said I couldnt go on im limbo .He said give him a month and he would see his counsellor! Since then hardly any communication-a friendly text with a kiss on my birthday 9 days ago. Since then-nothing. This is unusual he generally calls every week or so.What to do?I have been trying so hard to detach but this roller coaster is exhausting.Should I go for broke and confront him ? I can afford to give him some more time but not much as I leave work in July and need settlement I will be 60.Havent called him yet-very tempted. So odd this silence after such a friendly text-I think he is scared because the month is up .Any advice please I feel I can hardly think clearly any more x
(((Arianne))) I am so sorry you have to be here, but welcome to the board. You have come to the right place.
First, breath. And realize it will be okay. Take a mind rest.
If you have not already, please get a copy of the Divorce Remedy. It is a wonderful book. There is alot of insight.
May I ask what led to your separation?
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thanks for responsing lolaL ,Long story. We married in 79 madly in love.Within 2 yrs he was being unfaithful and has been ever since on and off. I was in denial most of the time and he was always kind but distant- we had no intimacy from early years but didnt talk about it. Never argued- just lived seperate lives but enjoyed each others company. As I moved towards retirement we (I) had planned to move back to my home town to have more of a life with my daughter,grandchildren and sister. He never would talk about future plans and became very tense- couldnt sleep,stomach problems etc. Then last May- Bomb. He started sobbing one Sunday and said he couldnt move with me, we both needed an "adult" relationship-he had accused me of behaving like a little girl which I guess I did sometimes.He admitted a recent affair which he had ended but felt terrible about"I hurt somebody really badly" (what about me?!) I had a sort of breakdown and moved in with my daughter for 6 months. We communicated every couple of weeks. Had mediation- Then some counselling but his heart wasnt in it.Around Christmas I began to use some DB techniques and he renewed interest "You have changed can we postpone the divorce?"But OW is still around where he lives and he an d he ad mits strong feelings for her.At moment I havent heard from him for 9 days and really dont know what to do. I am stronger than last year but still not strong enough to send off the final divorce paper as long as he is saying he loves me, doesnt want divorce but doesnt know what will happen.I would be happy to leave things but I stop work in July and need financial settlement-my pension is not enough to live on.In my heart I feel he will regret it if we divorce he is really frightened of it I have said if that happens I never want to see him again as I feel he didnt give us a chance. I really need an impartial view on this-my family think I am crazy to hang on but I love the man and hate to see his weakness,pain and confusion.Sorry long post but feel really desperate with the roller coaster! Anyway,Love from England!
It is never crazy to want to resolve your marriage!! That is why we are all here. The biggest thing I have learned over the last eight months is that you need to take care of you. If you don't, it is hard to take care of anything else. It is easier said than done, and you really have to get the mindset to take care of yourself. Once you learn to do that, everything else starts to fall into place. It makes it easier to handle. There are no guarantees, but have faith, and keep up what you are doing because that seems to be working. And keep posting...the people on this site are great and offer great advice.
The biggest thing, though, is listen to your heart and have patience. These things do not change overnight. Remember it took years to get to this place, and the changes cannot be seen unless you have time to work on them. Once you start to change, and your H can see the changes, he may change as well. But the biggest difference is that you become happier with yourself, and in the long run, that is the biggest plus.
(((Arianne))) there are plenty of hugs and plenty of support here!
Lola
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
it is easy to say "just leave him!" or "why are you hanging on?" whey one hasnt' gone through it. You have been with this person for so many years, it is worth a fight, so dont' listen to people who think you are not doing the right thing. Ultimatums never really work. You can call him and acknowledge that you shouldnt' have give him that time frame (I can totally understand you though, 1 yr and a possible ow would make me loose patience too). "strong feelings" for ow are just that, a feeling--you've been his wife, the mother of his children for most of his life.
have you acknowledge your wrongdoings? have you changed what you think are the problems? Let him know that you admit you have a part in the M falling apart, that you value your M, that you value him. Ask him if he'll be willing to start over as friends and go from there. I see that the clock is ticking about your retirement and that is a biggie, but at this point, him being under the gun has not made things better.
Tell him that no one knows what will happen, at any give point (funny, my stbx used that line a lot, what if this and that) that what you have now is the present and that the future is what you make of it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks cat03. Yes I have told him how sorry I am that I never acknowledged or confronted his unhappiness and that I take my share of the blame for what happened. Right now he is frightened of feeling like he did before"trapped in the marriage" and not being able to get out again. But he doesnt want divorce and says he cares for me deeply. This is what keeps me hanging on. My gut feeling right now is that a few weeks silence is a good thing. We havent done it before, I would always call him (but in a friendly non-needy way) after five or 6 days. Or he would call me. Its odd communication has just stopped. But I feel he is thinking things through-also afraid to call in case I lose it and make demands like I did when we were last together. Im going to leave it another 2 weeks then take your advice and send him a friendly card.As someone else posted,my insisting on contact isnt going to make him reconnect......Thanks for your comments x
