Oh Hum seems to be a thing to do

[deepdive]

2 days before our 8th anniversary I was told we were through, shocked would be a understatement ripped apart devastated and so on .
I was told that there is no hope no help that we could get she was done and moving to be close to her mum 1000 miles away all very reasoned all civil but done, I got a apointment at a counciler she went told him what she said to me she was there to give me closure but not to come back... now she is packing I am at home and trying to get a morgage not a date has been said and she clls and asks if I need any thing from shopping just like normal but she is going it seems .... help advise please, I am trying to find a 180 that I can use

[AnonymousJane73]

I don't have any advice for you, other than maybe you should try to just go dark? No communication?

I can understand how you must feel and it does hurt. I am sorry.

[deepdive]

I have thought of that but I need also to get some info so being off may make things worse, I am used to people shouting NP but this is calm and frightening I do not frighten easy.

[EnergyAZ]

Forgive me, but I am having a hard time understanding

You are saying she is going to move 1,000 miles away to be closer to her mother, but has not set a date for that move? But she is packing and preparing?

Where is she staying now? Still in the home with you, or has she gotten temporary housing until she leaves?

Its normal for the WAS to appear very calm and collected and firm in thier decision. They did not make this decision over night. They have already shed thier tears and have emotionally moved on to the point they are excited about the new life they are getting ready to have.

While we LBS tend to feel blindsided, for whatever reasons we did not see this coming. We knew our marriages might not be perfect, but we may have underestimated how badly our spouses felt and when the bomb drops we are stunned at both the news as well as how calm, cool, and collected they seem about informing us.

I advise you learn as much as you can about WAS. That helped me really understand my wife's POV which was important to me because I was baffled by her.

Having a better understanding of the WAS point of view enabled me to better identify the things I did over the years to contribute to that.

And once I was able to identify the things I did, I took ownership and vowed to address these issues because if I did not, I likely would wind up in a similar boat again in the future.

It is not overnight decision for a person to decide to end a marriage. And its certainly not overnight to improve to the point the other is willing to try again. This is something you simply cannot put a time frame on. And no matter how genuine our attempts at improving ourselves and reducing/eliminating some of the bad habits we have - there is zero gurantee it is going to result in our loved ones trying again.

The only thing that is safe to say in this regard is that if one geniunely takes the steps to improve aspects about themselves..for themselves (and any loved ones who benefit - great!)...that we are better people in the end for our efforts.

Its a very difficult time of course, but its up to us if we allow it to tear us to pieces or learn to grow into stronger individuals.

[deepdive]

We are both at the house we have a civil time but she says nothing of plans and I have as I said looked into getting a mortgage and she looks at real estate and discuses the properties with me, but no no time frame as you said she has thought it through it seems and is and does get up set but her and her mum chat it helps her resolve I think, me I am just willing to change but it seems I missed ignored the signs and all the asking has no results, how do I win back what was so vibrant.?

[sooners7xchamps]

Well this may not be your answer, but it may be of some help. Try to stay focused on yourself and put God first in your life. So here are a few verses I picked up at church today that I thought applied to my sitch.

"11 Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. 12 I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. 13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it."
John 14:11-14 NIV

Also we are effective by caring, we are effective by praying. Pray to carry one another. Carrying means we do whatever it takes to position people for a miracle.

[deepdive]

Thanks sooners7 I do ask and pray for guidance too

[EnergyAZ]

There are no easy answers here, and most of them you need to discover for yourself. But continue visiting this site and read threads from people. There is a lot of valuable insight here, and even if it does not specifically apply to your situation, its still very educational/beneficial.

It took a while for your relationship to get to this point, and unfortunately its going to take a while for it to get back to what you hope it can be. But the nice thing is, it could very well be stronger than ever before.

Of course, there are no gurantees. But like I said before, if you take the time to become a wiser person in regards to the nature of relationships, and make honest efforts to improve less than perfect traits of yours, you will be a better person for it.

Considering we both still live with our ladies, I have found that not talking about our relationship and just trying to be friendly and enjoy one another's company goes a lot further than emotionally draining conversations about our relationship. Its hard not to talk about it, and I frequently slip up...but it seems pretty clear to me that just trying to live happlily makes things alot smoother. Frequently bringing up the relationship adds pressure and makes us appear clingy and insecure - aka not attractive or appealing

[deepdive]

Sad to say the answers are hard to find as you say, talking about issues does not get a positive response and trying to ignore her is harder so I end up just watching tv with her and doing my best not to do anything that would further drive her away,today She has packed more stuff and been doing her "thing" online ?? but I have fixed the garage door and the AC that kind of stuff just coming in and seeing a pile of boxes grow hurts as it means the days must be getting close to over as I said sad ain't it of course she has a support net of family me I have not got that as I am from the UK and my folks would not understand as they have been married for 50 yrs or so.

[EnergyAZ]

Yes, the general concensus would be to avoid discussing the relationship at the moment. As you probably have seen, it tends to add pressue to the situation

There are no gurantees that your marriage can be salvaged, but do you understand why she is leaving? Knowing what has broken the marriage from your wife's perspective is going to give you clues as to what you might need to do if you dont want that to happen.

Typically, its not one or two things that compells someone to end a marriage. It tends to be a cumulation of unhappy experiences over time that someone gives up hope that the union will be fufilling & rewarding for them.

If you want to stop this from happening, you need to understand your wife's POV on the matter. So far, you have not mentioned anything as to why this is happening so its very difficult to give you any bit of useful info