Depressed H walked out- similar to MLC?

[pisces9]

Welcome to the roller coaster!
I know my H is Depressed and in early MLC. He wasn't really ever that Angry with me. He has been sad (crying randomly) for months prior to this, he said nothing to do w us or me...i had tried everything...give him space, ask if he needed anything, he reached out once for therapy but never followed through, then the BOMB after his actions were odd for a few weeks (and i called him on some BS actions in Vegas- i did this lovingly but i put my foot down. he replied with I think we need to be apart and D....)

Now we are separated- he moved out a month ago. Im using LRT...he contacts me every few days via text, some email ( i love having a marriage by text! ugh) and he just called me the other night for the 1st time instead of text ( i called back later that night and he hasnt replied) ...No OW...just very sad and BUSY BUSY BEE behavior from him (trying to stuff his emotions like always).

This is where i get confused because a lot of ties people say he will be angry with you and cant see the sweetness and independence if you cling...well he only said a few mean things in the first day or two...but then that ceased and he talked about how hard this was for HIM and how sad he was and how many good memories we still have. He asked why i was being so nice or stop making me laugh. I acknowledged a few of his positive statements, but he was so hellbent on moving out that he did it.

i even said that to him- "I just dont want you to be so hell bent on this that you follow through just because you said you would"...."he said I dont care what anyone thinks and i wouldn't do that"...so that is a good sign.

since he moved out no R talks, NO ILY's, no pursuing from me.

am i on the right path? I know it is still LRT but i am just frustrated these past few days.

VENT VENT VENT- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH- much better!

[One Day]

Hi Pisces,

AliSuddenlyAlone has a WAS who is depressed who left a while ago (also no OW). It might be worth reading her threads to get a feel for the actions she took. She's been making some great progress in her sitch recently. Incidentally, she's a Pisces too.

I think you're on the right path with LRT, and being nice, friendly and supportive when he contacts you. The depressed walkaway is a slightly different breed to the others in that they need support (not in a pursuing way, though). Get ready, though, to get settled in for the long haul- take whatever timescale you have in mind for this and add 6 months- progress is much slower than any of us would like it to be!

You're in a great place to get support. I read your posts on Newcomers, BTW, and think that communicating by text/e-mail is fine for now (but great news that H called you too!)

OD.

[pisces9]

WOW- Thanks OD!
add 6 months- yay.
i had 6 months in my mind and i think 1 year is more like it.

I was very sad earlier bc my H never called back after i left a message for him when he called me the other day...my mind starts playing tricks on me like: did my message get to him? is he hurt? etc.
this is clearly where i still need to let go and detach. Funny how i thought i had already done so much work- each new level is so hard...

i would say this has been another VERY hard part- i have been doing well- and then BAM...i just got hit with this wave of sadness today.

thank goodnes for this site...you guys are my saviors :-)

any other advice? do i contact him again at all until he contacts me? and then when he does do i wait?

this is so unfamliar to me- i was soooooo involved with doing everything for our marriage- i think i broke the see saw so its his turn...YUCK PUKE ARGH!

thanks so much for replying- i will check out alisuddenlyalone- i think i read a lot of her stuff already but i will check again...

any words of wisdom or encouragement or ideas tokeep doing what im doing or change things would really help!

THANK YOU!

[peacetoday]

pHi
I wouldnt contact him again
he will contact you when he is ready
like was already said
get busy with making a new life for you
be positive for now with him
be supportive and validate
mostly be there for you
get a support group a counselor
books help
it is a long haul
MLC takes a few years some get lucky and H return 1-2 years
no guarantees
we change for us
good luck
peace

[pisces9]

Hi Peace-
I agree-I went overboard emotionally-- in reality it has only been a few days...but I guess so far he has been receptive or communicative more quickly.

The words like PATIENCE and GAL are really becoming clear to me now.

The biggest change I have to make is to detach. I was stuck on him like a barnacle and i thought that was the right thing to do, i had even given him space for a month prior to his as well...now i get to me my own being...i was very wrapped up in him and his needs...

this is harder, but a new kind of hard....it is just more weird that this is hapennnig..we spent so much tome togther, did so much fun stuff together and still this happened...he was really more depresed than anything but also MLC...

i will give him the breathing room he needs. i need it too. his sadness and reclusiveness were driving me nuts too. especially bc he was getting nasty to me.

I deserve to know myself and my true wants and needs.

today will be a greaqt day!

Pisces

[peacetoday]

P
It gets way easier in time
keep on plugging away building your new life
our H need lots of space and so do we
we practice letting them go..some days are easy while others are very painful
it all passes though
now I am grateful for the changes
I still stand but I dont worry anymore..I needed to give him up as I was too dependant on R
I am trying to be independant and God reliant
now I am free
peace

[pisces9]

HI!

ill repost this here too, i posted in newcomers too...

ok! he sent me a text message tonight...
i havent replied and he said as he would call me tomorrow, so ill see if he calls.
when he does ill wait to reply. how long?
we got an offer on our cabin thats for sale so i think i should at least reply to that part...when he calls, not tonight.

he doesnt want to counter offer..thats interesting bc we have had the house on the market since before the bomb...now that we finally have an offer during this separation- and he doesnt want to sell it??? i hope this is a god sign..mr. confused.

so i need to have a PMA! and i need to stay cool, calm and collected.

luckily i got to a better place today...i think thats what its all about....

he also asked how the dog was and said "i hope you are doing ok"...thats nice...but i wish he would ask "are you ok?" or "how ar you doing?"...thats more open ended and requires me to actually tell him. how funny...more of his fears of not wanting to know if he is hurting me...

so any recommendations?

part of the prob. in the past is that i made a lot of decisions for us...about this house thing i would persuade him to at least counter...should i recommend that or just let him take the lead and feel like he is in control?

i want all of the things we do from here on out to make him feel like he has control over his life...especially getting back together with me - that will be HIS decision so he cant have any excuses. so this house thing is a major way to SHOW him this...

do you see what i mean??

any advice would be great....

happy he contacted me though!

ill keep you updated but i really want advice before i reply to him...
thanks!

ps. im reading my desperate posts here even a day or two ago- gosh- its amazing how our emotions can toy with us ....ROLLERCOASTER........ weeeeeeeeeeeee!!

[Sara]

I am a realtor, so I am with a lot of couples when they decide what to do. Generally, I find that countering is a good idea if you want to sell the house. Most people (buyers and sellers) will split the difference if the offer is relatively close. Sometimes it takes one or two counters before you get close enough to split the difference. But in this situation, if it is not important to you that the cabin sells, then you can just let him make the decision. If he asks you what you think, you can suggest a counter to keep the buyer interested. If you want this to be his decision, you can give your opinion once, and then let him decide. But answer his emails or call if they are about the cabin. There is usually only a 24 hour response time for offers, so this is no time to play hard to get.

[pisces9]

we have sold many homes- this buyer has made very low offers....we countered once then they started a new offer again...my H is VERY resistant to selling it...he says they are low balling, he got pissed, never gets like this.... and I think his pride is in the way that we would take a loss. it really doesn't matter financially that we take a loss, and we have talked about that so he is pretty clear that he doesn't want to counter at all. maybe he wants to keep it after all???

i will just let him make the decision....he needs to feel heard and knows clearly all sides of this financially...

thanks for your help!

[peacetoday]

P
What has workewr well for me this past year with H is asking questions like
what do you think?
what do you want to do?
How do you feel about that?
My H never gets too personal of course, but he seems to enjoy our conversations..I give my opinion more now than I did post bomb..then I just listened and tried to validate
but all decisions for our our Seperation, our business, his visits, his interactions with kids were all made by him
so maybe try for now to ask a question not too personal and listen then say oh so what your saying is you dont want to make a counter offer?
then let it go
My H has made very poor decisions about our business this year and maybe for the last 2-3 years..I let it all go
if he looses it, its totally on him I cant rescue him anymore
peace