WAW- Need advise, what to do, I want her back.

[cz946]

My wife recently filed for divorce, she has since moved into an apartment. We have a 4 year old daughter. She says is loves me, but is not in love with me. She feels that I have ignored her for 2 years, been married for 8. She went through a cancer scare and i wasn't goint to appointments with her. etc.. I was working 7 days a week, thinking was supporting her by providing as much as I can. She said she has put all the effort in the marriage for the last 2 years and can't do it any more. She also can not take criticism from my parents(they do their fair share), I would just tell her to blow them off. She says I never stood up for her. She told me 2 days ago they are a big part of why she wants a D.

I do not want this at all. Realized I needed to be more emotionally connected, so I changed she said I was smoothering her. Which I think I probably was. About 6 months ago she started to see a counselor. Last week I stopped by and she hugged me and gave me two kisses. Gave me hope, the next day she told me it didn't mean anything and it can't happen again.

So I started reading books about how to stop your divorce. I am trying that tactic now. Acting happy, not argueing, agreeing that the marriage wasn't working, complimenting her, trying not to look like I am desperate, etc.... Although its very hard, i miss her so much.

So now I need some advise. Remember my only goal is to save my marriage.
1.) Do I change the locks on our house-she has moved out.
2.) Her Bday is in 2 weeks, what do I get her?
3.) Should I try to get my parents to help. My parents want our marriage to work as well. My parents are angry because she wants a divorce but miss her very bad. I told them that if they disrepected her, they would not only lose a daughte n law,but a son as well. Should I have my parents call and apologize, and tell her they don't want to lose her or me.

I am thinking part of the reason she feels its easy to D me, is because she feels my parents are so angry with her. If I can get her to realize they love her and she misses them, it would help.

Any help please!!!

[EnergyAZ]

To answer your questions, here is what I would do

1.) Has she given you any indication that you should change the locks to your home? If the door to your heart is open for her to return, surely the door of your home should be as well? Unless there is a concern she may clean you out, I would think that changing the locks on the door would be communicated as lack of trust. If that makes any sense?

2.) Yes, get her something small. Something that caters to her personal interest which demonstrates that you do know her as a person. And if you decide to only go with a card out of concern she might think you were 'trying too hard' - then do only the card. But do acknowledge her birthday, she cant help but appreciate it. Just try not to let it be mushy.

3.)No...keep your folks out of it. She very well may see them as 'meddlesome' and would it be any surprise they petition for the best interest of thier son? It would seem typical and meddlesome IMO



My wife wants to leave me for similar issues, actually WAW are not that different from one another. Your wife had some health issues where she needed your support and you did not deliever. It hurt her deeply then. And the realization of you dropping the ball at that time hurts you deeply now.

I can relate to that because in our situation, it was when my son was born and she was struggling with post-partum depression and I was no where near as supportive as I should have been. I actually would get frustrated at her instead. I would not let her seek pyschopharm help. I just did not understand post-partum and felt it was all in her mind. I would not come home from work to avoid her when she badly needed help/a break with the baby. It left massive scar on her heart. And when I realized how crappy I was, and there was nothing I could do to rectify it (cant change the past), it hurt me very deeply as well.


We men, tend to think of support in a financial way a lot of times. For me it was: How could I not be supportive? I am working my ass off to provide for you and the baby. While that was a form of support, it wasnt what she needed MOST from me.


At least you seem to be getting a clue as to what drove your wife away. When you stop thinking of her as the 'bitch who walked' and start identifying and accepting your share of contributions to that, you have taken a big step on a positive journey.

This site is a wonderful resource for both knowledge as well as comfort and I suggest you explore it.

And while there are no gurantees you will be successful in your quest for reconciliation, you will still be a better man for your growth

Keep talking, keep sharing and folks here will share back. We in a way, are all in this together and all pulling for one another.

[EnergyAZ]

Also - I suggest you get your parents to permanently tone things down.

You may be thier son, but no longer thier 'child'.

I can understand how this could be a turn off for your wife, especially if it was rare you came to her defense.

I am sure you have tried to put yourself in her shoes imagining how you might feel if her parents were critical of you over the years.

So tell your folks you love them and value thier opinions on matters. But also tell them that thier actions towards your wife over the years did you no favors at all. Did thier granddaughter no favors either.

[Bridgestone]

Trust is a hard thing to earn after it has been violated many times. That is what I hear your wife saying you did. She looked for you to step up, counted on you for support & time in various situations & you didn't come through.

Now that you see it through her eyes you can see how much it hurts.

It took 5 months for my LBS to even acknowledge his role in violating the 'intimate trust' we had built in our R. Until he could recognize his role in this, convey it in a way I could "hear" (multiple times actually) and apologize for it in a way that was meaningful to me, I was not ready to even consider trusting him.

Patience, not being pushy, kind, 'quietly present', doing a 180 especially in areas of her 'love language' (great book highly recommend it).

when there are opportunities to apologize for your role in this, do so in a way that means something to her (5 languages of apology..also highly recommended). HOWEVER.. do not just dump this on her. I know it is tricky when you are DB'ing & they recommend no R talk, but acknowledging your past actions & how you are taking responsibility for them are not necessarily "us" & "R" talk.

If you feel at ANY TIME you can not be true to your level of support you want to give her or acting in a way that will build trust. You need to put the phone down, walk away, shut your mouth. Any little rebuilt trust is fragile, tender, & needing close caretaking to allow it to continue to grow. It takes very very little to damage it and you will need to start almost from square one.

Years were spent destroying that intimate trust the two of you developed, it will not come back in a few days/weeks or possibly even months.

Peace to you.